SOOCD

Please read and offer some helpful words if you’ve relapsed before 😭 I have been doing so well in recovery for the last 6-8 months or so with SOOCD. I’ve had my moments where I come on this app and post, but for the most part it has been very manageable. I moved in with my bf a few weeks ago and things are amazing. except my SOOCD is back in fullllll force. It feels incredibly real this time, like I actually want to be with women, like I knew I was into girls when I was young and forgot about it or suppressed it, etc. I feel like I have too much proof in my past childhood exploration / curiosity for me to not be into women. I truly don’t think I have ever had feelings for a girl before even though I explored things through media when I was younger. It’s a constant tug of war in my brain, and I feel so stuck and unable to pull myself out of this spiral. I will have these moments where I’m like “oh my gosh. This is actually true because it feels so real”. And then I will accept it and tell myself everything is real and that I actually do like women, but it only leads to more rumination and questioning. I just seriously don’t know what to do or how to move forward. I can’t go back to therapy unfortunately bc of finances, so I’m stuck trying to go back to erp on my own to get myself out of this. It’s just too much 😭

carrotroot12

Date posted: 9w

Dealing with the same thing right now 😭. I was so happy 2 months ago and even got into a relationship. I was so ready to start conquering OCD (it rlly wasn’t bothering me for a while) and healing my mental health. If you check my posts you can see where I was extremely hopeful and where I’ve been spiraling. OCD kind of gave up with the thoughts because I was good at handling them after years of torment, but now it latches onto the weird childhood exploration, a couple uncomfortable memories, early stages of SOOCD, and my arousal to anything sexual in nature (even if it never changed me or who I was attracted to). I’m constantly checking, ruminating, searching for reassurance, questioning/analyzing everything about me. It’s getting harder to enjoy being with my boyfriend now. I hate how numbing this theme is 😭 I just want to enjoy my life and my new relationship that I was so excited about. I finally felt genuine attraction and happiness after YEARS of numbness. Just know you are not alone!! I barely started ERP 3 weeks ago, so we can work through this together if it ever feels like too much.

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 9w

@carrotroot12 I totally know how you feel. I also just get aroused to nearly all sexual content, and part of my childhood exploration that my ocd reallllyyyyy latches onto is that I watched same sex content when I was younger / adolescence a decent amount. It just felt safer to watch and whatever! You’re not alone at all! It’s so hard to go through this theme

Tiny Turtle

Date posted: 9w

You're not alone. I relapsed earlier this year after nearly 2 full years of recovery and of course, just like you, had some difficult but still manageable moments. Your description of your relapse is exactly like mine. Hope you don't mind me quoting some of your words. I can completely understand when you say that it “feels incredibly real this time, like I actually want to be with women, like I knew I was into girls when I was young and forgot about it or suppressed it, etc”. Reading every single word felt like I was seeing my brain on paper. I'm currently back in ERP therapy with my old therapist but can only afford limited sessions because of how expensive it is. Doing ERP on my own is also scary.

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 9w

@Tiny Turtle I’m so sorry. I seriously know your pain and it’s so horrible to go through. It’s so hard to stop the mental compulsions and seeking reassurance when you are so terrified and anxious. You’ve got this! It’s hard to rememeber that we’ve been through this before and survived

Tiny Turtle

Date posted: 9w

@LV4523 I know 😭. I keep performing mental compulsions and rituals, sometimes subconsciously. I hate this theme. You got this too! I hope we make it out to the other side again.

🫠

Date posted: 9w

Me too, word for word. I think someone on here said "OCD feels like hiding a secret, but you don't know what that secret is". Which rings true to me.

layla__\

Date posted: 9w

I relate to this so much you are not alone! i have only just started receiving therapy for my SO-OCD and have completed my first session. i have had this theme before and it went away for a while and has now come back even stronger. i totally relate to you ‘childhood memories’ that you spoke about and think that is one of the most traumatising parts of my rumination and thinking, when it goes back to childhood and suddenly i think it all made sense and always has and i just haven’t realised it. Im really struggling with my boyfriend at the moment too and have noticed it always comes with milestones aswell!! when we first got together he was the first man i had real loving feelings for despite being in a previous relationship, and obviously ocd decided to sabotage this :( when we had a break for a while and my anxieties turned to obsessively wondering where he was and why we broke up and i would even laugh at the fact i thought i was gay as it seemed so silly in hindsight! but as soon as we got back together again SO ocd came back. obviously your milestone is a lot bigger than these and im very happy for you and hope you find your way out of these dark times because you will and i will too! just wanted to share my experience to show that there will be ups and downs but your not alone and will get back into recovery 💕💕

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 8w

@layla__\ Thank you for the reply ❤️ yes it’s horrible and ocd latches onto everything it can. It makes it so hard to stay in the moment with your boyfriend and feel like you love him. I totally get you and you’re not alone

🫠

Date posted: 9w

I know that feeling! I think OCD likes to get your attention after big life things, like moving in, getting married, etc. Much easier to type than actually do but sit with the uncomfortable/anxious feelings. You're not alone. ❤️

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 9w

@🫠 Yes definitely. And I knew this was coming with the move, I just knew I would struggle some. It just feels like the first time I’ve had these thoughts all over again and like I don’t have any tools to help myself. Thank you 💕💕💕

🫠

Date posted: 9w

@LV4523 Best of luck with this spiral! ❤️❤️ Please don't be hard on yourself, I think when I moved in with my partner I placed too much emphasis on the whole thing. Objectively it was amazing, we handled it so well, but I was plagued with so many "what ifs" I think I traumatized myself with it. Don't forget there's people here on NOCD who understand you!

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