Hey there! I completely empathize with you. I often play music live, and it has taken me a long time to get more comfortable with it. I also had to give a wedding speech as the best man a few years ago, and I absolutely dreaded it. For months leading up to it, I lost sleep and ruminated about it every single day.
One thing I've learned is that the first step is recognizing how natural this fear is. There is nothing wrong with you; this fear is quite literally in our DNA as humans. It's helpful to reflect on where it comes from.
For most of human history, our ancestors lives in small tribes that only stuck to themselves. For hundreds of thousands of years, we depended on our fellow tribesmen/women for food, water, shelter, and a sense of community, in a very hostile environment. If we were to do something that got us kicked out of our tribe, we would quite literally die. We'd either starve to death, get attacked by wild animals, or killed by another tribe. In other words, being accepted by our community was literally a matter of life and death. We evolved to really, REALLY care about what our fellow humans thought about us for that very reason.
Now fast-forward to 2025. This world that we currently live in is COMPLETELY different from the one our species evolved in. We now have an abundance of food at our disposal, countless places to live, science and technology to heal wounds and illnesses that used to kill us in a matter of days, and the ability to communicate with millions of people from all over the world at our fingertips. But evolution hasn't caught up to this new world yet, so it still FEELS like whether or not people like us is the most important thing in the universe.
This anxiety that you feel about giving a speech isn't your fault. It's not the result of you being "too negative" or not being brave enough. It's a survival instinct. Logically you know that all you're doing is public speaking, but emotionally it feels like you're about to fight a tiger. Yes this fear is stronger in some people than others, but at its core, this fear is universal.
So what's the best thing you can do when you feel really nervous about public speaking? Acknowledge the feeling! Feelings just want to be felt. If you resist it, try to use logic to get rid of it, or beat yourself up about it, things will always be stressful. Instead, show yourself some compassion. Put your hand over your chest and think, "you feel nervous right now because you're trying to survive." Or, "thank you for trying to protect me." Try not to completely hide the fact that you're nervous from the people you're talking to. Contrary to popular belief, it's okay for people to see that you're uncomfortable. In fact, most people would completely empathize with that discomfort. Worst case? You mess up, your voice is quivery, your hands are shaky, you get a little embarrassed. Okay, that's not fun, but...you'll still be okay. You'll still go home later. You'll still have food to eat. You'll still have your favorite music/shows/movies/pets/friends/family members...the world will keep spinning, people will move on. You'll try again next time.
This isn't to say that you aren't allowed to self-soothe to ease the feeling of anxiety. You can notice your breathing when you're nervous, and try to slow it down. Make your exhales last as long as possible. When our exhales are longer than our inhales, we signal to the subconscious regions of the brain that we are safe, which activates our parasympathetic nervous system. This is the system that makes us feel relaxed, as opposed to our sympathetic nervous system, which is what our fight/flight response comes from. I like to think of it as PARAsympathetic = PARAchute. It's like opening a parachute and gracefully coming in for a landing. The reason breathing slowly is so effective is that throughout evolution, if we were breathing slowly, it meant that we weren't in danger. It meant that there was nothing physically in front of us that required heavy breathing. So slowing down your breathing is like saying, "the coast is clear; all is well."
I hope some of this is helpful. Over time, the more you expose yourself to these scary situations and make it through to the other side, the easier it will become. You just need to stay mindful and notice what's happening in your body.
Remember, it's okay to feel this way!
