The one thought that feels like it will never go

4.5 years ago my boyfriend and I finally became official- it was a time where my SO-OCD was bad but i was determined to get over it so I kept fighting for our relationship. A month after this, i went to a party where I found someone attractive which was shocking at the time as I rarely found men attractive during my SO OCD, I don’t think i was outwardly flirtatious but I did speak to him during the evening and he asked for my instagram at one point and I gave it. I remember the morning after I thought he would message and I would have to make sure to say I had a boyfriend incase he got the wrong idea but he never did so it was fine. I admitted this to my boyfriend as I have had these thought for years but they come with different intensities- now 4.5 years later the memory is hazy ‘what if we slept together’ I was a virgin at the time so i doubt i would forget that as I wasn’t that drunk. ‘What if we kissed’ - again I really don’t think i would do that BUT WHAT IF?! We’re looking to take that next step soon in our relationship but how can I move on without knowing for sure? Anyone else going through/gone through something similar?

hopessk

Date posted: 17h

I’ve gone through something similar. I met another male friend of mine — he lives abroad. At that time, I was having problems in my relationship, so I wanted to relax and spend time with someone whose company I enjoy. We met and had fun, but after I came back home, the memories started to come back. Like, I was so sleepy that I fell asleep on his shoulder, and he drank from the same water bottle I drank from, etc. For a week, I felt extreme anxiety and guilt. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even move. It was so hard to get through the day without music or videos to block out my thoughts. Of course, I told my boyfriend about it, and it wasn’t a big deal for him, so I felt relieved — but that’s when the real game started: false memories. My brain started to make up memories or change the real ones into something I really didn’t like. It was so hard to get rid of. After that, I couldn’t stop overthinking my interactions with people, and I’m still struggling. The best thing we can do, I guess, is to wait. Just wait — and let it flow. Don’t let it get to you.

aaliyahfield...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17h

There’s no “What if?” If you don’t know for sure, then you won’t know for sure. You don’t have to know. You don’t.

Lake12

Date posted: 17h

@aaliyahfields400 Thank you. I really try to remember that. But I always end up “having to know” because I would hate myself if I hurt my partner like that.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4h

@Lake12 I completely agree- I always think that maybe over the years I have convinced myself nothing happened but it really did, its torture!

aaliyahfield...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1h

@Lake12 I get it but in reality you do not have to know. You will never know what really happened and you can’t make yourself crazy trying to figure out

aaliyahfield...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1h

@Anonymous Can’t keep torturing yourself. You’ll never know for sure.

MutedAnguish

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17h

OCD is gonna latch onto stuff we care about so this makes sense. I would view it as we don't read our books backwards and noticing that you are creating a narrative and feeding into your anxiety. Know that your body and brain want a response out of this but know it's only temporary and no matter how hard it gets, there are no studies showing that anxiety has killed anyone.

Lake12

Date posted: 17h

Yes, I have the same thing going on. Almost 2 years ago while out one night in a different city I met a couple and we went to a few bars. I went back to my hotel woke up the next morning and ever since have been convinced I could have slept with a stranger, kissed someone, etc. I know this is something I deal with so does my partner. That night I even texted him telling him that if I asked the next day that I promise I didn’t kiss anyone. But still the thought… WHAT IF?!? We are getting married on Friday, and I still am dealing with this doubt and guilt and want it to GO AWAY.

aaliyahfield...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17h

@Lake12 It won’t go away unless you realize that you’ll never know for sure.

polish_germa...

Date posted: 23w

Can OCD make you question whether you’ve ever truly felt sexual desire?

I’m struggling with something I’m afraid to even admit out loud. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone I love deeply. He’s kind, safe, and emotionally close to me — and we’ve built a life together. But I keep obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction anymore. Or maybe… I never truly did? At the beginning, I felt butterflies, excitement, connection — and I assumed that meant I was also attracted to him physically. But now, after reading so much and reflecting more deeply, I’m starting to wonder if I ever truly felt sexual desire in the way I was “supposed to.” Maybe my feelings were more about emotional longing, comfort, and romantic closeness — but not sexual chemistry. And now I don’t know what that means. OCD makes it so much worse. It constantly tells me: – “If you really loved him, you’d want him.” – “You’re leading him on.” – “What if you’re lying to yourself?” – “If you try to fix this and fail, you’ll have to leave.” I feel stuck between wanting to fight for this relationship — and being terrified that trying will just prove it’s hopeless. Has anyone experienced something like this? Can OCD really make you question something so deeply personal? And how do you move forward when even trying feels terrifying? Any thoughts or support would mean the world right now.

.Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

ROCD/False Memory

I suffer with a constant worry of what if I’ve cheated. You name it I’ve thought I’ve done it. I’m quite flirty at nature and also insecure. Sometimes hand in hand I don’t think they balance each other out as the constant need for attention to validate myself can backfire. Although I have the best partner ever and she makes me feel nothing less than beautiful I still crave validation from others. That being said someone I used to work with left over half a year ago and when they worked at my current place of work we were very close. Text everyday, phone calls you name it. However looking back I was extra flirty as I wanted him to fancy me. I wanted the power to turn him down to make myself feel better. Awful I know. Now all I can think about is what if I’ve done something. What if I kissed him. What if I’ve slept with him etc. I’ve kept our whole conversations from the minute I got his personal number. I constantly search key words to see if my intrusive thoughts are real. I can except the uncertainty my therapist tells me about as if I have done the worst and cheated I would loose my partner and our 10 year relationship. I love her so much she is my life but I can’t stop thinking what if I’ve cheated. Does anyone else suffer with the same theme? If so how do you cope?

Chickenwang123

Date posted: 18w

I had a one night stand …

I slept with someone before I met the love of my life .. I slept with this guy and then the next day I met the guy I’m seeing now at a restaurant.. we hit it off from there and been together ever since .. I’ve had major ocd about confessing that I had a one night stand before him .. but I fed so hard into the ocd that I kept saying well what if I did more bad things not only before .. BUT AFTER I MET HIM.. So I’m comming here for some reassurance … my question to yall is .. if I did something wrong RIGHT AFTER I met my boyfriend , wouldn’t I have been stressing about that rather than what happend BEFORE ? Or maybe I just forgot ?? HELP

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The one thought that feels like it will never go

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