I am feeling so overwhelmed

i had recently been triggered to have so-ocd. its been on my mind non-stop. (i am a heterosexual female) and my mind has been all over the place questioning if i have been in denial the entire time. ive always had people tell me they sort of got that vibe it it never really affected me until my own mother had her suspicions. so i would constantly get triggered un public around the same gender, while knowing my true sexuality. ive always been attracted to men but as of recently ive been having super bad anxiety to where i cannot eat or sleep and feel weak all the time. it was like that for a week or so. now im in the calm where i have been trying accept the uncertainty but it still isnt fair as im getting triggered. im a little worried because it feels like i have been lying to my parents the entire time although ive never had the desire to be with the same gender. and i keep getting intrusive thoguhts that make me feel anxious and uncomfortable. its all starting to affect my friendships as im constantly getting triggered with the intrusive thoguhts. i feel a little less anxious compared to how i was a couple days ago. im really scared on why im having these thoughts now when i have been having romantic feelings for a guy the past year or so. ive also been struggling with false attraction and loss attraction to men. it makes me feel uncertain of my life the entire time

So I haven’t been on this app in a while. But I just want advice on how to overcome this. I’m now 18 and I’ve been trying out dating apps. I’m not gonna lie I’m kinda picky when it comes to dating only because I plan on dating to marry…so I take it a bit more seriously. But for some reason it’s so hard to click with people on these dating apps. So my friend was helping me through this dating apps process. I told her that I wasn’t interested in this guy I was texting anymore because of the way he was responding to my messages. And she says maybe you’re gay…this is honestly the sixth time (I’m definitely over exaggeration but this isn’t the first time someone had said this to me) someone has ask/said this. Every time someone says this it literally sends me down this spiral of are they seeing something I’m not seeing. Despite never having a crush on a girl my mind goes down this loop of overthinking. And when I say I don’t want that lifestyle or I don’t really find pleasure in being apart of the lgbtq community my mind is like in denial. I just wanted to have a fun teenage dating experience and now every time I open the app I always think what if I really am gay and I’m just in denial…or what if the reason why I’m not connecting with anyone is because I’m really into girls. Since i’m also religious, my mom wants to go what you’re denying who we are because of your religion. And I tried to reassure myself by saying I would know if that was the case like I would feel deep down who I’m truly attracted to and know that I’m trying to cover it up by dating men. This whole thing is so mentally taxing because I was going through this all throughout my senior year of high school and I’m not going into my freshman year of college so. Like I literally felt so much anxiety next to one of my classmates who was gay and a masculine presenting. I feel like if I would’ve told this to anyone, they’d say of course you’re in denial. But ig reply if you can relate

I feel like the thoughts and feelings are getting stronger, to the point where they feel like they are my own and that I want them and want them to happen. Recently I’ve even had feelings of ‘wanting to be gay’ and that I ‘don’t want to be straight’, or that being with a woman would be nice even though that’s literally the one thing I don’t want otherwise I wouldn’t be constantly thinking about it day after day surely and if I wanted it I would just know? I feel numb and sick and terrified that I’ll just be what I’ve feared all this time. Why does my brain do this. I feel like I’ve lost so much already, I couldn’t concentrate on university work and I’ve had to delay my degree for a year, I’ve lost my purpose, and I feel so ashamed that I can’t tell anyone the real reason for it (I just told everyone the course was too much stress and was causing me anxiety) and it just feels like it’s getting worse to the point that it’s actually coming true, and I’m going to have to leave my boyfriend because I can’t be with him anymore. Why do the thoughts sometimes feel good? Why does it feel like real attraction? Why why why does it feel like DISAPPOINTMENT with the idea of never being with a woman wtf this is literally what I don’t want and never have? Even just writing that out my brain is telling me ‘it is’ and ‘I’m lying’ and I just can’t even believe myself anymore. I’ve tried telling myself the whole maybe maybe not but it just doesn’t work. It feels like if I accept I like woman I’ll want to be with one and leave him. Why does the idea of being with a man not fill me with excitement like it used to why do labels terrify me I genuinely just want to give up I still haven’t even told anyone about this cause I just feel like they won’t understand and that they will just think I’m struggling with my sexuality and the worst thing is I don’t even know what I want anymore cause of the thoughts and feelings I don’t know what to believe what if I am actually just struggling with my sexuality cause nothing feels right anymore