i feel bad

i feel bad because i used to watch these people on pornhub who made videos that appeal to people with teen fetishized things and stuff like that. but i wouldn’t watch that role play stuff or any of that, like certain videos i would avoid because of that. but i liked the videos in general, i just didn’t watch any of that stuff or i would ignore it until it got something i did like. but i stopped watching them all together because it got too weird and i realized that i shouldn’t support them at all, even if i wasn’t watching that stuff. but now i feel bad for watching around that stuff, i liked the videos it was basic porn past that stuff and that’s what i would watch.

LegoLover98

Date posted: 21h

I get it, I was in a very similar boat but mostly regarding hentai (which is Japanese anime porn for those unaware). The really explicit/clear cut examples of l0li and underage looking stuff I avoided because it disturbed me and went against my morals, but the more gray area stuff I was more indifferent about and even experimented with but eventually even that I felt was too borderline for my comfort and avoided that content too. But I felt guilty for continuing to look at these sites because even though I wasn't going there to look at THAT stuff, I still knew it was there and I questioned if that meant I was secretly okay with it because I kept looking on those sites even though it was for other stuff not related to the things I disliked. I also feel like catching glimpses of that stuff may have traumatized me somewhat as I struggled getting the images of what I saw out of my head and that made me begin to doubt myself because why did I even have these thoughts in the first place of I am morally against them? Obviously now I understand that they're unwanted intrusive thoughts and that the more you try to fight them and make them go away the more they stay around and the more intense they get.

goggles🧝🏾‍♀️

Date posted: 21h

@LegoLover98 yes exactly, i wasn’t looking at the fetish stuff. i knew they was what the used as content but i didn’t watch any of that stuff, i watched around it or just skipped it. and by watching around it i mean if there was something like a little off i would only focus on the sex not the thing.

LegoLover98

Date posted: 20h

@goggles🧝🏾‍♀️ Right?! I remember one hentai Manga I found online a while back that had a kink in it that I do enjoy but as I read I noticed that it contained something in that borderline area that I wasn't too comfortable with but I tried ignoring that aspect to focus on the sex and the other kinks involved I liked and what I was there for. But afterwards I just felt wrong in my conscience and decided not to go back to that specific content again. At the time I brushed it off because I didn't develop the theme quite yet. But let me tell you, when I did, boy did my brain dig that sucker back up from the depths of my memory to assault my sense of morality and sense of self in general lol. I can laugh at it a bit now that I'm more educated on what's likely going on. I say "likely" because I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD but I have pretty much self-diagnosed because more and more I see how others in the OCD community be brave and talk about their experience with similar situations and I'm able to relate the majority of the time, so it gives me reasonable confidence that this is what I have as well. But an official diagnosis wouldn't hurt either so I think I may work on getting one in the near future. At the very least I'm almost certain I have an anxiety disorder with some comorbidities with OCD if not the full disorder itself, there's just too much in common for it to be coincidence (even if my brain makes me doubt that sometimes, which ironically is a sign that I probably have it lol).

EndOCD!

Date posted: 24w

I don’t know what to do

I have this same situation replaying in my head. It has to do with porn so if your young just know this may be a little graphic. I tend to use Twitter for porn and the reason I do this is it’s a lot more direct I can type in what I want to see and it’s there I don’t have to go through unknown websites and hope not to get viruses, and to be a little more specific more amateur/ real sexual experiences come up on Twitter rather than porn pages with staged written scenes. So in my use of Twitter for this there’s been times when questionable material/ illegal material has come up and never did I save it knowing it was 100% illegal or even interact with it if I knew it was 100% illegal. I was 18 or 19 at the time of this and I started to fear that in these moments I would look at these illegal videos/ sketchy videos to long when they would pop up like for example I remember seeing a video that was 100% illegal content and I was so shocked and like confused that I looked at it for a moment and then left and then I went back to look at it again just to confirm that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing I also remember seeing videos that were in a 18+ section but sometimes the girls in the videos looked like they could be 15-17. As we all know 18 year olds can look anywhere from 15-17 or even younger these days so I would be cautious and use my context clues and what I knew when watching videos that I was suspicious about but had no proof of them being illegal aside from my thoughts and the person looking young. So with this and me worrying I got super scared and hyper aware of what I was watching and now I remember me going back on Twitter to look at content that I was intending to be 18+ but all I would think about is what if something illegal would come up what if I see it and I look for to long or what if I feel attracted and I like it. And I just remember going back to Twitter to look at legal porn but it felt like I was there so that something illegal could come up to see how I’d naturally react to it. Never did I go and type in key words or type in anything illegal in fact I remember times I would strictly put 18+ next to whatever I was searching so I could be sure everything was legal but sometimes it would feel like my hope and intention was that I would see something illegal so that I could feel that anxiety rush or just to see how I would react naturally to seeing it and I feel like this would count as me intentionally looking for it so now I feel disgusting and like I committed a crime. Sometimes I just feel like I was only looking at porn because I wanted to feel that anxiety of what if something bad comes up and how would I react. I know deep down I didn’t want to see illegal content and that I was probably just feeling that I wanted to check how id feel if it did come up but now I feel like I was intentionally looking and that my whole objective was for something questionable to come up so I can see how I react. Is this ocd or did I just make a horrible decision?

Anonymous

Date posted: 24w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

genicrop09

Date posted: 21w

21+ only

TW: porn mentioned When I was younger around 18-19 or maybe younger, I stumbled across some porn labeled as 'teen'. I don't remember if I watched it or get scared away by 'teen', but I then searched for porn something like '18-teen years old', I wanted to make sure it was legal. Now I'm spiraling that I did it because I wanted to see someone younger. Or what my intentions could possibly be? It happened for once or I cannot remembered searching something similar ever again. I've always preferred bigger more masculine men, but why I did that then? I had active porn addiction since I was 9 or I'm afraid younger, watched some things that I regret watching... And now I'm 23 and don't watch it all for like 3 years, because I found out that it was unethical. When I was little I preferred BDSM porn and everyone was very mature and I did not watched anything questionable with real people, but some weird fictional stuff, but didn't like it. Now that I remember this I'm very confused and don't know how to continue living with that. I'm just done...

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

i feel bad

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community