confessing vs opening up

how do i differentiate wanting to open up and talk about what’s bothering me versus feeling the need to confess compulsively? right now i just really want to get these feelings out and to just tell someone everything i’m thinking/have done but i know it won’t help in the end. i really really need someone to talk to. like badly, because i’m struggling so hard right now. but i’m too embarrassed to bring my specific issues up to a therapist, even when i compulsively search there’s not many people who seem to have the same issue as me or they don’t talk about it much. i don’t even want to say it on here because i feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself, too much to even bring it up to other people. the worst part is this was recent and i’m literally an adult now and these things happened more recently, i should know better. i definitely can’t tell my friends either, out of fear that they’d view me differently. i want to make friends with ocd and be in relationships (romantic or otherwise) but i worry that i’ll end up falling into confessing or over sharing or that they’ll see even my own events/thoughts as too bad or disgusting. i’m not even sure how to find people besides online, but even then i’m not sure how to approach people even on this app. i feel like i don’t deserve to talk to people sometimes. i’m just feeling so lonely and wish i had someone i could be completely open with or at least someone that understands this hellhole of a disorder.

OCDottie

Date posted: Yesterday

I believe that you can tell your therapist on the specifics of your situation. As troubling as it could be, theres nothing your therapist hasnt heard before that would shock them or anything. I know its easier said than done, but itd help your therapist understand better what youre going through. I believe theres a difference in confessing as a compulsion and confessing to gain more insight from a professional. I think it could help to just write down your thoughts as well to get them out of your head.

worryywart

Date posted: Yesterday

@OCDottie yeah i’ve been trying to write everything out and then focus on other things but the feelings and thoughts are still there so it’s hard, but thank you i’ll definitely tell my therapist too

Gabbie H

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

Oh my goodness. That what if they view me differently after telling them is so real. If it makes you feel less alone I’m planning to tell my therapist something I have never told anyone before. I’m really nervous too. We can do this though!🙌💜

worryywart

Date posted: Yesterday

@Gabbie H thank you! i’ve realized the more i tell my therapist and ocd specialist the better, so that i can actually get the help i need, it’s definitely better than bottling it all in and ruminating about it. it’s a really big step but i believe in you! :))

BigGyro09

Date posted: 19h

I'm right there with you. You described it perfectly. From the compulsive searching hoping people have the same experience so you don't feel alone, telling your therapist about the specifics, to not being able to tell your friends and feeling bad about it. Just thinking about telling my therapist everything I've told you makes me very uncomfortable. I have never gone into specifics of what I've talked about on here with my therapist, but they know the topic of what I'm talking about.

worryywart

Date posted: 17h

@BigGyro09 i’ve never really told my therapist the specifics of certain things either, i usually try to be a little vague cause these are things that i literally wouldn’t tell a soul if i didn’t feel the need to own up to every mistake i’ve ever made because of this goddamn disorder. but i have so much on my mind and so much i feel guilty about that i feel the need to just tell someone everything, all the way from my childhood where it started to now, where i still feel like i’m constantly fucking up. then maybe i won’t have such a guilty conscience. but realistically i know it’ll only make it worse and i’ll feel like i need to confess over and over, and it won’t take away from what happened even if i get reassurance. it’s just really hard to move on when you feel like you have this big dark cloud of secrets hanging over you and if anyone knew they’d despise you. i want to live the life my friends are living at this age, experience life and love but it feels like i don’t even deserve it sometimes. all the while i’m trying to give advice to people or help them and feel like a fraud because they don’t know the bad things i’ve done or how shitty i feel every day. even behind a screen of anonymity i still feel like i’m too disgusting to even interact with people. i want to break this cycle but this is the worst i’ve felt in years and i genuinely don’t understand how i’m supposed to live my entire life like this.

DannyO507

Date posted: 23w

I need help dealing with this

I have been really really struggling for the past 3 months and haven’t been able to stop intrusive thoughts/ rumination and confessing. It’s making me question my entire life, my relationship and even who I am as a person. It’s mainly effecting my relationship, I am so afraid that I did something or think things that are definitely hurtful to my partner. I know my brain is contorting my own memory and making things seem so much worse. I also know I haven’t done anything bad, all my things I’ve confessed about have been considered “normal” and I’ve been told that “you’re normal, you didn’t do anything wrong”. But I have felt this intense sense of guilt and shame and it doesn’t go away, I can’t even be a normal person anymore. And I keep searching for “just one more thing I need to tell” and I don’t want to keep searching my brain of every time I’ve said or done anything that I can distort and make seem 1000% worse. I’m isolating myself and just feel like I’m a bad person. I keep confessing my thoughts, feeling, urges, etc. to my partner and while I know I would never do any of these I feel like my ocd is trying to convince me that maybe I would because “why else would you think it or feel guilty” and that makes it so much worse. I really need guidance on how to handle this. What do I do to stop feeling like this and heal?

h4aling07

Date posted: 22w

i need help :( guilt and confessing compulsion

okay so, i had this friend i met in the 8th grade when i was 13 when we became friends and my nickname for her was “red” and i had a crush on this friend before we became friends and once we became friends the crush faded away and i just grew a close platonic friendship with her and no longer has any crush or attraction or romantic interest in her. then i got a girlfriend named lisa in the 8th grade also and we were all friends and hung out but that summer going into highschool lisa broke up with me, we dated only for 2 months so you know it wasnt a big deal. and my friend “red” she and my other friend lana we are a trio and they helped me move on from that. then i started 9th grade (my freshman year of highschool) and i went into this year thinking i was gonna stay best friends with this trio but we ended up splitting paths but me and my friend “red” always had a more special bond in the trio we were like the duo because we trauma bonded and dealt with mental health problems. and in the end of my first semester i fell in love with this girl named riley (who became my 3 year serious relationship) and i love this girl so much i met her when i was 15 and she was 14, me and riley (who is my current partner) were very toxic during freshman sophomore and junior year. she was very insecure over my ex from the 8th grade who i didnt care about because she was my first girlfriend. and she was also very insecure over my friend “red” because she was my best friend during the time i was with my ex and she reminds her of my ex for some reason. i still wanted to be friends with “red” at the time and we would get into numerous fights about that. she would control me and who i was friends with and said i couldnt be friends with her and i felt so awful and defeated bc i had a close bond with this friend. she then gave me an ultimatum of either her or my former best friend and i chose my partner obviously but she was so in her head i think that she still broke up with me for like 3 days and that day she broke up with me i had to go home with her since she was my ride home and i was broken and she was obviously angry and i was crying while we were walking out of school and then she stormed off without me all upset and my other guy friend and his girlfriend saw me and went up to me to comfort me and asked what was wrong and i told them she broke up with me and then my partner yells my name very upset from across the street comes back and grabs my arm aggressively and drags me past everyone very aggressively and angry while telling me to stop crying because her mom is going to be upset and ask questions and i felt so bad. we got into the car and i had to try my best not to cry and my partner who was visibly upset a few seconds ago just completely smiled at her mom and asked how her day was with such a happy tone of voice and i was completely in shock. hours later since we were broken up i texted my former friend “red” (the one who my partner broke up with me over) and told her i needed emotional support that reyna had dumped me and i needed a friend. and she came over and talked to me. that was all nothing romantic. and then 2 days later my partner says we are back together and i was happy but felt guilty because i hung out with my friend who she dumped me over. Now years later im still with this partner after many splits but we are finally healthy and healing and shes been super supportive and there for me and loving during my recent journey discovering my ocd. i have been confessing over and over many past mistakes or things i thought were mistakes. i last confessed something on monday and ive been feeling better and relieved after confessing up until yesterday when i remembered a past mistake (which was what i just shared) and now i cant stop ruminating on it and feeling guilty and feel the need to confess this to my partner but i learned that confessing is my ocd compulsion and if i give into it ill be feeding my ocd and not breaking the cycle. but im also feeling conflicted on if i should genuinely let her know and confess because i feel what i did that time was wrong but i dont want to give into my ocd but also what if i basically cheated on my partner by doing that and if i tell her that i did what i did even tho i didnt cheat but i told her i never liked this person even tho i had a crush on the former friend and tried to get my partner to let me keep this friendship because its not like i like her romantically which is true i dont but i used to. so i feel like i betrayed her even especially by hanging out with her so now i dont know if i should tell her or if its my ocd and i dont have to share absolutely everything especially if its in the past. i dont want to lose my partner and im scared if i keep confessing it will ruin our relationship and drive her away but it will also make me lose myself and my own privacy and also feed my ocd and compulsions but im scared if i dont confess ill never stop thinking about it and i will feel like im lying to my partner and like i cheated and i wont be able to enjoy the good moments and the present because im stuck on my past “mistakes” and now im scared ill have the end my relationship to feel better but that will hurt me more but im scared if i stay im just going to try to avoid my partner in fear ill confess or feel the urge to confess every time we speak. i dont know what to do im completely lost this is the hardest thing ive ever dealt with and i have a lot ive dealt with in my life already. im barely 17 i havent had a year of a break

dee012

Date posted: 21w

taboo theme ocd and childhood trauma

i need some kind words or maybe some advice? basically i went through trauma as a kid including sexual, and acted out in disturbing ways. I’ve done things i regret. even as an early teenager i did also. the only weird things ive done recently were compulsions and weird ocd driven stuff… but besides that ive found it easy to forgive myself for a lot of stuff because i know myself and my intentions and also talking to people helps. but one thing that’s hard is when im intimate with others or in a relationship. i feel so gross and undeserving like if they knew everything ive done in my life they would hate me. I don’t tell everyone everything, i think i only did that with therapists and like one family member. I feel like if I don’t tell someone everything I’ve done that I regret and see if they forgive me for it, then that means im “hiding” something about me and being malicious. anything helps :(

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