@Speckles Ok this is a Long one. But I think you’ll benefit from this. So when I had my anxiety attack I had a shotgun in my garage(it was turkey season in ky) and when I saw it I had the split second thought “that shotgun would make this stop”! My anxiety/ panic attack eventually subsided but that one thought haunted me. I couldn’t believe I had that thought. Never before in my life (34 yrs old) had I ever had a thought like that. I’ve always loved life, been a very happy person, and had every reason to live my life! After that panick attack and that one intrusive thought it’s like the flood gates opened for intrusive thoughts. My brain was hitting me with every fucked up thought it could in every situation I was in. And you can imagine how bad this messed me up. No idea what was going on. Psychiatrist put me on hardcore sleep meds and Lexapro. But in the back of my mind I knew this was bullshit and it wasn’t me, never before had I been like this/ thought like this, I wasn’t this monster my brain was trying to convince me I was, never the less the thoughts were horrible, and put me in a really bad place, but I researched. And I learned, there had to be people that have dealt wirh this, there had to be a way to get my peaceful brain back. And that’s when I learned about anxiety/ ocd and the brains ego dystonic threat detection system. My nervous system was sensitized, and these thoughts were my brain just trying to keep me on high alert, I learned about the subconscious and where these horrid thoughts were coming from( that was a huge relief) your subconscious never ever stops recording, any movie, book, thing you’ve heard, literally anything your subconscious can pull back up and replay in your mind, even putting you as the subject, so basically neuroscience confirmed that YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS” and also I learned that I can condition my brain by not giving these thoughts any attention. Thoughts are repetitive positively or negatively. Any thought you give attention your brain flags as important and it comes back around, so if I know these thighs aren’t me, as much as I hate them, I can give them no attention and little by little my brain will learn they aren’t important and they won’t come back around as much. And that by living my life based on my values, and doing what non anxious/ ocd me would be doing I can re condition my brain to be a peaceful place again. It’s been 8 months since my panic attack. Truly one of the worst times of my life, but I’ve got two boys I’d die for and I everyday I wanted to give up bevause my ocd was living hell I kept going for them, I had faith this was all bullshit and kept going. And I can tell you now it was all worth it! Still have some very fucked yo thoughts, but they aren’t me. And they don’t derail me for longer than a min or 2 at most anymore. And I’m gonna keep working on it. And you can too! Please don’t give up.
