Rough Night with ROCD - ̗̀(ꀬ⏖ꀬ∴)

Hi everyone. (|||❛︵❛.) Tonight is a bit rough I'm noticing, which is unfortunate because yesterday was a lot of fun and even today was good with the exception of one intrusive thought I had earlier. I will take the opportunity to vent, since I don't normally do so on here (even though I should—who will understand me better, besides my fiancé and sister, than others who also suffer from OCD?). I went out grocery shopping with my fiancé today, which we went to Walmart, and we had gone into the toys area because we like to look for Magic the Gathering cards and plushies. He found a Vaporeon plushie and knew that I'd want it, so he showed it to me and said I could get it. Really sweet, right? ⸝⸝ʚ̴̶̷̆ ̯ʚ̴̶̷̆⸝⸝  I was so happy, and then I had a classic OCD thought: what if we end up breaking up, and I leave my plushies at his house? It was upsetting and I ended up zoning out for a little until he asked me what was up, to which I tried shaking it off and carried on with our trip. I successfully finished shopping, getting food, and coming home without feeling too uneasy! I also helped put groceries away, ate with him, and then we watched some YouTube videos before he fell asleep. ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ ) It was only until the past 20 minutes or so that I started getting the unnerved, uneasy feeling in my tummy that usually comes with my intrusive thoughts. I notice sometimes I get the feeling without a direct intrusive thought attached to it, which ends up with me trying to figure out what's causing the anxiety or nervousness. I know that's a compulsion, and I typically am good about not engaging with it, but for whatever reason tonight is a bit more difficult for me. It sucks dealing with ROCD, same with all of the other themes there are, especially because I love my fiancé with my whole heart. I went through 2 very bad relationships before I got with my fiancé, and he's done nothing but treat me the way I want to be treated. He's my dream partner, and before my OCD latched onto the relationship I couldn't have been any happier, so it's really hard sometimes not being able to get that same level of excited happiness anymore because of how anxious I am. I know love isn't a feeling but a choice, and I have consistently made choices that align with uplifting my relationship and fiancé, but I really do hate being so anxious and having my mood tank so easily sometimes over what would be a passing thought for someone else. I had a lot of wins today, so I'm going to try and remind myself of those and also the many wins I've had throughout the week where I didn't engage with my OCD and let the intrusive thoughts pass by without latching onto them. I'm also going to try and give myself grace—it's okay for me to cry and to feel sad about having a rougher time tonight, because that's the nature of having a mental health disorder. I'm going to have good and bad days, good and bad nights, and plenty of days that are both. Hopefully I can try to sleep soon, but until then I am going to play games on my phone that I like, cry, maybe eat some snacks that my fiancé and I got today, and let myself feel my feelings that I'm entitled to feel. ( ᵕ̩̩ㅅᵕ̩̩ )