a rollercoaster

hello guys. i don't have anyone to talk to about all of this and i feel like taking some things off my chest. if anyone can give me some advice i will gladly take it, if not, that is ok as well. by sharing this i hope i can help some people feel less alone on this tough and lonely journey. my experience started about 2 months ago. one day, out of nowhere, all the stress and anxiety i accumulated throughout the years made me burst and i've never been the same since that day. it was hard dealing each day with intense mood swings, low energy, and crying literally every hour, but i pushed through, learning it's only a phase, being patient with my recovery and hoping better days would come. when i thought i was finally moving on, i was struck by something way scarier that i never imagined could happen to me, and it felt like i collapsed even worse than the first time. it terrified me so much that i started doing a lot of research on my own and i found out what OCD is. it explained everything i had felt for the past few weeks, when i thought there was just something wrong with me. before seeing a specialist, every day felt like a nightmare, dealing with intrusive thoughts and taboo themes that made me feel inhumane. after being diagnosed, i felt so much relief, it almost felt like that session "fixed" me. but now, after having a few good days in such a long time, i can't help but grieve who i was before and regret that i'm at war with my own mind every single second of every day. maybe because i've been battling all of this for a while i feel so tired and numb and i'm worried i don't care enough anymore, even if i want to, i cannot, i feel stuck. all of the intense emotions i had felt for the past few days, the guilt, the shame and the panic feel so muted or even nonexistent sometimes. all i feel is regret and sadness, regret that i can't live normally, regret that all of this is ruining the relationship i have with my loved ones and regret that i can't allow myself to be happy sometimes because i feel like i don't deserve to live a good life since i have these thoughts. i feel sorry for the people and situations my OCD has latched onto and i keep thinking about the past, when everything was so much better, but i took it all for granted and i miss those moments so much. i'm grieving the version of me that existed before all of this happened and i can't help but cry knowing that i can never be that person again. accepting change and letting go is such a difficult thing to do. i can't embrace healing and recovery since i feel like i have to take accountability for all of these disturbing thoughts even if they aren't my own. sometimes i feel like I am the one latching onto them because i have to keep myself in check and remind myself everytime that i am not normal and that i am different, in a way that i don't want and i never asked for. as much as i despise saying this, it feels like these thoughts have become a part of me, they are so glued to me that they are almost an extension of who i am. but i don't want to identify like this. and even if i feel lost i'm going to keep living each day hoping it will get better because even if OCD has taken everything from me, hope never left, even if sometimes it feels like that has abandoned me as well. if you have reached the end, thank you so much for reading all of it. i don't know who will see this, since it's only going to become a post floating among thousands of other messages, but if i helped anyone feel better or if anyone found the courage to keep fighting because of this post, i'm glad i could share all of this. thank you so much for the attention. better things will come, even if right now the future seems so clouded, the sun is waiting on the other side, and it's already shining through each storm and cloudy day.