recovery?

hey guys, i need some advice again😭 so i have felt better these past few days, the intrusive thoughts don't feel as persistent and sometimes they even seem to blur in the background. i should be relieved that i am calmer and that there's progress but i just can't seem to be happy about it. as much as i wanted to escape from the intense emotions i felt at first (guilt, shame, panic etc), i feel like they were proof that these thoughts don't reflect who i am. it's contradictory, but somehow i wanted to keep being anxious because it proved that i am not the horrible person my mind kept telling me i was. but now that i feel so calm, i feel even more unsure about who i am. i keep telling myself that deep down i don't like these thoughts and i don't want to pursue them, but i just can't trust myself and it hurts. what if i'm just lying to myself? i think i'm going through a really weird phase. as much as i want to recover, i can't be happy when i feel better. i think i've been in such a bad place that i forgot what "normal" feels like and that's why it feels so foreign right now. living every single day with those thoughts almost feels like they became a part of me even if i didn't want that. it's like i keep going back to a toxic ex, i'm making it worse for myself. i keep checking and analyzing over and over again because i fear that this calm means the situation doesn't bother me anymore. and because of that i can't enjoy the short moments i feel happy or excited, even if i missed them so much. is this considered recovery? what should i do at this point? i feel like i'm floating through life right now, between two worlds.

TE1022

Date posted: 3d

It’s a part of recovery yes. Ifs a back door trap of ocd/ anxiety trying to stay alive I went through this exact same things and and made a post almost word for word like this in another group😂. We know ocd/ anxiety thrives on uncertainty, and it will latch onto anything it can, and it shifts. So it’s moved from “what if I’m a terrible person because of these thoughts” to “what if I’m a terrible person because these thoughts don’t bother me” What’s actually happening is your developing mental flexibility. You’re learning for the first time that we are not our thoughts, and it’s freaked you out. Trust me I 100% get this but you’ve got to keep on giving these thoughts no attention and have faith it’s just ocd/anxiety because I can promise you it is. Just from your post alone I know it is. When I was deep in the struggle of this and voiced my concern to a therapist (who has suffered from this and recovered) wasn’t worried whatsoever. Because I was on the right path and this is very common step when you’re figuring it out!

sc4r

Date posted: 3d

thank you so much for the reply!

hlsmith18

Date posted: 2d

i just saw this post, but i found myself relating to what you were writing and your mentioned experiences a lot. i have days where i wake up extremely anxious and i question that, or i wake up not anxious at all and i question that. i make myself anxious or i force myself to think about my OCD thoughts because i almost feel as though i have to think about them and be anxious like you said. it's a constant loop for me that i'll definitely be trying to overcome in therapy, but i just wanted to let you know you are not alone and i understand totally!

sc4r

Date posted: 2d

hey, i'm glad i am not the only one experiencing this but i'm sorry you're also going through a hard time. everytime i feel better, it feels like i'm forgetting something because i have gotten so used to monitoring my thoughts and my reactions. i think with time and support it will get better and we will be able to live normally even if OCD is present in the background. good luck with your journey, thank you for sharing your experience as well!🫶

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond