Friday dump - rocd☹️

Sometimes I’m fine and I feel secure in my husband and I just think I have a lot of gunk to fish through but we will be fine because it feels weird if he wasn’t my person and how this just landed in our laps. But sometimes I get this scary thought and it’s a thought I used to have in the past when we were friends and I knew I didn’t like him. But I’m feeling like I’m coming to reality again, and realizing yeah I don’t like this guy like that (similar to my thoughts as friends) and it feels right and free? But then I am bothered because I really don’t want that to be real. And I try to think well I don’t know for sure and maybe this is it. But I want to stay here and spend time and have fun with him until I know?? That sounds so shitty. Like oh I’ll just date him , even tho we are married. Like am I gonna transport my brain back to this mindset?? And I’ll never see him as my husband again or someone I’d want to have my kid? I think I have a lot of thoughts from the past and we’ve i get them , I think I am reverting to myself but I can’t even trust it 100% and when it feels right , my hope is just maybe I’m getting to start over with him again. But then i get scary thoughts of, “what if you know and you know you know. But you’re scared to lose him because you’re ocd and you also have fun with him. So you don’t wanna lose him yet. But then that feels unfair to him?? Because am I really viewing this as a dating and seeing if I want to stay married or am I maybe healing , having a lot of thoughts and we are fine?? I just think if I stop smoking weed , all of this will align and maybe not to worry about it right now. But that makes me feel like I’m lying to him and myself. And if that thought is real and I’m doing this unintentionally on purpose. God my heart is beating out of my chest because I would never want too. But I don’t know what I want and when I get a thought like that, I think I know what I want. But even if it feels that way, it doesn’t have to be true, right? I don’t want it to be. I think I’m learning to start our relationship how it was supposed to start the first time. No reassurance seeking, no compulsions, not telling him everything about my Past. I never got to love him with no ocd in the mix. And I know what that was like as friends to not like him with ocd in the mix. So I really hope I don’t and I’m just realizing the problems. Also when we were friends I never saw him like that so i always associated him as my friend , while there was something more out there for me and who I wanted for my husband. So sometimes when that comes up it feels real and right. But then I just hope that’s because that was a reality in the past but it doesn’t mean it is now. How can I trust a version of me now, that didn’t ever try in this and has been consumed with ocd & I’d rather trust my past self who preferred the dumb bad boy over my husband (the wanting to settle down, good guy). I really hope I just need to heal because I don’t want to lose him.