I understand what you’re going through

For all those that worry you’re the only person that’s experienced these horrible thoughts, I understand you. For all those that can’t switch their focus from sharp knives when they’re sitting on a countertop, I understand you. For all those that are afraid you’re going to choke someone when coming up behind them, I understand you. There’s a lot of people out there that have had normal lives thus far, yet their world has been shaken the past couple of months/years by the onset of OCD. This was my experience and I completely understand those with the same. I used to cry on my back porch and talk to my mom about how I felt like I was going crazy. I thought the life I had before OCD was entirely gone and that I would be in a constant state of struggle for the rest of time. At first, the worst part of OCD are the thoughts and extreme anxiety caused by them. Personally, after a while, I think my body adapted or something to where I basically became numb. The rapid heart beating and feelings of anxiety were gone, but that only led me to fear that I was ok with the thoughts. All in the midst of this, OCD slowly chips away at your sense of self. Personally, I experienced continual depersonalization and derealization which was terrifying. I would look in the mirror and not even recognize myself. I would talk to my friends, but it wouldn’t seem like they were real. Basically, it feels like you are in purgatory. I was afraid that I had schizophrenia and that all of this was just the beginning. Along with that comes the added pressure of being a young adult and having to always be social on the weekends and drinking alcohol. It can sometimes be an escape, but the hangovers and collateral afterward always set you back. I know how hard it is though to want to have the normal life that it looks like others are having. It’s so hard to not participate in those activities especially if not many of your friends know the struggle you’re going through. Some may even know, but without experiencing OCD, I don’t think there is any understanding it. Eventually, I decided that I needed to get on medication. It’s not an instant magic, but over time, the help has been monumental. I basically never have thoughts about killing people anymore. My self esteem and ego are back. I don’t experience DP/DR anymore, and I’m able to live a normal enough life. I will say the numbing feeling hasn’t fully left and I am still not the same person I was before, but I think that is a product of the medication I am on. For me, it has been worth it though. I used to have too much pride at the beginning of OCD that I could do it without the help of medication. After a while, I swallowed that pill and gave in and it has been a good decision for me. I haven’t been on this app in a couple years, but I was called to post something tonight. Hopefully this helps someone in their battle. I understand everything you’re going through and can promise you that my brain told me all the exact same things that yours has been telling you. Just over three years ago, I broke down crying while eating Chinese food after a Saturday tailgate. I was by myself until a friend magically opened the door and found me. I know you’re in a nightmare, but you just have to keep on fighting and staying the course. I wish the recovery was immediate too, but the truth is that it’s going to take over a year to fully recover. Not to worry, though, the other side of the mountain is much less rocky.