We’re supposed to accept the intrusive thoughts and carry on regardless without doing anything to reassure ourselves but how do you deal with the feeling that you’re in denial, burying your head in the sand when you don’t do the compulsion ? This is what I struggle with most.
That struggle is understandable, and it's also the main driving force behind the intrusive thought trap. For me, what helped a lot was learning that from a neuroscience standpoint, thoughts don't "mean" anything. They are just neurons firing in the brain based on conditioned patterns, and that's it. When we react to thoughts in a negative way and try to do something to get rid of them or argue with them, we are essentially assigning importance to them, and unintentionally strengthening those neural pathways that generate those particular thoughts. The brain generates tens of thousands of thoughts every day, most of which are random noise. We "tune in" to the ones that we care about for one reason or another. We may care about them because they're relevant to our current situation (What should I eat for lunch? Oh that rose looks nice. My feet are cold. Etc.), or because they strike up an emotion in us (especially fear or anxiety, which is where things often become intrusive and persistent). If I somehow convinced you that cheese is incredibly dangerous to think about, you will inevitably end up cherry picking every single fleeting thought about cheese. You'd start worrying that you're the "kind of person" who would eat cheese. You'd probably get triggered by the color yellow. You can also think of it like sitting in a crowded, loud party, and you're dreading the possibility of getting into a political conversation. What would likely happen is you'd start subconsciously listening for any word that has anything to do with politics. Suddenly you'd find yourself picking out even the faintest political conversations, even if you don't want to hear them. That's the famous Ironic Process. Thoughts don't exist to inform you of some deep dark secret about yourself. They don't represent a "true you." They're just the brain parroting words and images that it's heard or seen before. You don't control what those words and images are, but you can control how you react (or don't react) to them. Even the thought, "you're in denial" is just a thought. If you engage with it and try to disprove it, the same neurons that created it will get stronger. That's why you choose not to engage. "Maybe that's true, maybe it's not." Acknowledge the thought, Acknowledge the uncomfortable feeling that comes with it, then focus on what's right in front of you. It's ok to feel anxious.
Thank you so much for your reply. The thoughts don’t tend to be about me but about my perfect partner who seems to be ocd’s target. So unfair on him. But I guess the same applies, ie the thoughts don’t represent the real man I know him to be ?
No problem, and yes same applies. The key is that it's okay to have those thoughts, whether they're about you or him. You having those thoughts isn't even unfair to him; because they're just thoughts. The important thing to note is that I'm not saying "don't worry those thoughts aren't true." What I'm saying is they are meaningless by themselves. They are not "proof" of anything on their own. The fact that they keep coming up only means that you care about them; nothing more, nothing less. It's the act of *trying to figure out if they're true* that's the problem. Trying to reassure yourself, etc. As a personal example, one big thing for me used to be suicide. I was so worried that because I kept thinking about suicide, it meant that I was going to do it. It literally felt inevitable. But once I stopped trying to "figure out" whether I would eventually do it, the obsession slowly lost its power. The reality is, I can't predict the future. I can't ever say with 100% certainty that I'll never do it, because who knows what may happen in my life. But that's okay. All I need to focus on is the present moment. Likewise, you don't have to do anything about the thoughts about your partner. There's nothing to mentally prove; nothing to mentally solve.
@djflorio Thank you so much. You explained things so well. I’m definitely guilty of trying to disprove the thoughts and reassure myself when I get these thoughts and I end up going down a rabbit hole and it all ends up feeling so confusing but real. I’ve tried to ignore the thoughts and just carry on but then I feel like I’m in denial and just burying my head in the sand.
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