Is it normal with ocd to avoid intimacy and….

I don't want to provide reassurance or create some kind of new compulsion, so I will do my best here haha. Sometimes, and I think I do do this in a way that I'm not being compulsive because it's so infrequent and doesn't upset me, I do wonder, like, "am I attracted to men? Do I feel like I really am a cis man, or am I some other kind of gender?" And then I think, how would I feel about having a relationship with a man? I mean I'm close with my friends and love them and junk but it's totally different from my wife. And imagining gay sex immediately is a turn off. Same with imagining someone calling me "miss" or "ma'am." I'm not like, "offended," it just feels incorrect. Maybe talk to your therapist about a way to handle exploring your identity without engaging in compulsions.

I have so ocd and when my ocd is high sex is really difficult for me to get excited about or into

I relate to this so much. I constantly compare how I would feel it I were to have sex with a woman. It makes me doubt my attraction to my husband. Did he ever turn me on?

Being worried about "performing" for your partner is common, even among people without OCD, and for those with OCD, it's much worse. The thing is, maybe you will have trouble getting aroused. A multitude of things can cause that. Maybe it's a result of your worst fears, maybe it's something else.