Help, avoiding sex, anxiety about sex, trauma

So I had severe SOOCD, and used to experience sexual abuse in my ex relationship. I would avoid sex because I was afraid I wouldn’t get aroused and if I didn’t, or wasn’t “wet” enough my ex bf would call say I’m not attracted to him and yell and scream at me. I was in this relationship from 16-19. I had no understanding of healthy intimacy. It was so bad I avoided doing anything to myself even, made me so afraid. When I started dating my current bf he was super helpful, patient and understanding. I would freak out if I wasn’t aroused quickly and would cry and worry it was because I wasn’t into him. 6 months into our relationship I applied this logic to him also. If he wouldn’t finish quickly it meant he wasn’t into me, or that he didn’t like me. I’m not insecure, I am quite secure in my relationship. But I heavily connected not finishing or being aroused enough to = not into me or I’m not into them. I still can’t get this out of my head, I avoid sex, fear it, and worry the entire time. Here’s the problem. Now my bf worries about the same. He said my constant checking and worrying makes him feel like he’s not normal and soemthing is wrong with him. He avoids sex, we are both afraid of it, and it’s led to a sexless relationship. I feel horrific for how Ive impacted him. I tell him it’s because of the abuse (very abusive) relationship and my ocd (he also has ocd). Do you guys think this is fixable? How can we work around this? Do you guys think once we remove the anxiety of sex, we will gain desire again? We are both attracted to eachother but man, I can’t help but feel horrible and that now our relationship is doomed. How can we work together to fix this?

helpmeimsosc...

Date posted: Yesterday

And to add…. Sorry I probably started inflicting my same thought process onto him 1.5 years in…. And a lot of it was my past but also because he was avoidant and would break up so I would look at how he was during intimacy and think wow, he must not like me anymore.

Kevin V

Date posted: Yesterday

It is possible that your relationship is doomed. However, I think you two can work through it. Don't start with sex directly, try doing something like kissing or caressing first. Or if that's too much, maybe holding hands. Don't put pressure on yourselves to have sex. Enjoy being physically close to each first, without the expectation or implication of sex. It's very possible that once you two are more physically comfortable with each other, the anxiety around sex will decrease. And also remember, don't put expectations on sex. Don't try to make about "I need my partner to orgasm or I'm worthless" or "I'm not aroused right now, so that means I don't like my partner". That line of reasoning isn't good for you or your partner. Communicate with each other. You both have OCD, so it should be very possible for you two to understand the fear and trepidation that this sort of thing brings to your partner. Don't make sex the crux of your relationship, especially right now when both of you are going through a lot. It will take time, but maybe someday you'll be able to make it work.

Tavia Gary

Date posted: 14h

Yes to everything Kevin V said and said so well. I believe you will figure out this situation. And I would remind you to breath. I'm taking a deep breath as I type that. I have so much compassion for you. I know how the fear comes in and tries to steal the moment. You are not your fears.

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