Feels certain

It used to feel like OCD but now my mind is telling me I truly want to be trans and always have and that the relief I feel when imagining being trans is all the certainty I need. I don’t want to be trans and don’t feel an internal pull toward being a different gender, but I’ve been ruminating for so long that now it feels like trans people’s stories are the only stories I can relate to. I don’t actually want to be a man, but rather just want to feel connected to my feminine body without constantly comparing myself and checking to see if I feel authentic enough. It feels like my brain is gaslighting me and I now am experiencing strong urges and discomfort with my female pronouns that I never felt before. I’ve had a fear of being lesbian/trans for a long time because I know it would blow up my whole life and I already have such a strong fear of being socially rejected. I’ve now isolated myself for so long though to avoid triggers and it feels like I’ve just been hyperaware of this my whole life and all the guys I ever used to like were fake. It’s like my mind is forcing me to see everything through the lens of a man now and like I never truly felt accepted because I wanted the guys I was with to see me as a man, but I don’t want that. It feels like I’m stuck in a state of permanent dissociation and that I will never feel relief until I accept this truth and change my life to align with my mental space. It feels like I’ve been running from the truth and have so much certainty that THIS is what will finally make all my other intrusive thoughts go away and allow my mind to be at rest. I desperately want the relief of knowing why I’ve always felt different and inadequate as a woman, but at the end of the day, I still wish to just be more comfortable in the body I have and not compare myself to other more conventionally attractive women. The more I ruminate and read trans stories, the more I feel like I’m experiencing true dysphoria and have been afraid my whole life because it’s always been true and I’m suppressing it. It feels like I’ve realized something that I can’t undo and that I’ll never be able to remain a woman now. I don’t actually wish to change my body or become more masculine presenting because I do still enjoy feminine hobbies and looking like a woman, I just feel discomfort with the way women are sexualized. I wish I could just let this all go and realize that this is all my mind trying to force me into being certain about being trans because a normal cis woman wouldn’t experience this constant self doubt, even though it didn’t use to feel gender related at all. I would so much rather just be comfortable in potential bisexuality or even being gay, but when I imagine that now my mind tells me that I am a gay man. I don’t want this, I just want to escape from the nightmare in my head.

Anonymous

Date posted: 15h

I have very similar thoughts about my gender on a day to day basis. Right now I identify as genderfluid and that lets me have some freedom with my expression and the lowers stress around my self identified gender. But there’s always something in my head saying that I should just be a woman instead of gender fluid. I was born a man and never really associated with traditional masculinity because it’s so toxic and emotionless, overtime I’ve learned how to be masculine in my own way and not relate my masculine actions to that of men and more so relate it to my personal identity. But even then I’m like well am I just a masculine woman?? It’s a hard battle sometimes, and it gets to me worse some days more than others, but it helps to remind myself that nothing is permanent and I truly could identify that way at any time if I wanted to or felt like that was the correct course of action to take. I know that’s not much advice but I wanted you to know you’re not alone in the confusion <3

cf05

Date posted: 15h

@Anonymous Thank you. It just feels difficult because I’m not personally comfortable identifying as anything else, but my mind is telling me I can’t run from these feelings. I just don’t know how to carry on without changing myself despite not wanting to because it just all feels so different now

cf05

Date posted: 17h

It feels like I’m in a constant state of panic and need to come out, but I don’t want to do that because it feels like accepting something I don’t want. I’m so caught between it feeling desirable (from OCD possibly?) because it would eliminate any further questioning and be the FINAL explanation as to why I have always felt different, like it would be satisfying to have an answer, but I don’t want the outcome.

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