I need help

I feel like I’m running out of hope I feel like I’m growing emotionless, even though I’m crying. I feel like they’re emotionless tears. I keep having the thought “if you did it, you’d feel better” and it won’t stop playing in my head and I want to just be thrown in jail. I look back at old photos and think “where did this boy go?” “What happened to him?” And I’m struggling so much with my emotions and thoughts. I’m so scared and I don’t know if anyone else goes through this.

ocduser03

Date posted: 16h

Pictures are so hard a couple weeks ago my mom found a box of old pictures from when is like 3-5 and wanted me to sit down with her and go through them. I did and I had to get up leave after only about 5 minutes. I ended up just crying and grieving over the life I had before OCD took over. I just wanna be the boy in the backyard making mud pies and getting in trouble for tracking mud through the house.

lucronin

Date posted: 16h

You are not alone in your thoughts

Parthxus

Date posted: 16h

@lucronin Those thoughts keep scaring me, I feel like I’m growing emotionless. “If you did this, you’d feel better” thoughts keep playing in my head and I hate it

lucronin

Date posted: 16h

@Parthxus Yeah i get those thoughts too. Sometimes i like to think about the thoughts with kindness. Like, “omg that must be so hard for you, this voice talking much feel so afraid.” Maybe sometimes i think that they’re trying to help even if it’s not helping. Idk. Like i think a lot of my ocd is related to punishing myself. So, when i have a break from feeling so buried in it all I try my best to be gentle with all the selves inside me.

Parthxus

Date posted: 16h

@lucronin It’s hard to be so gentle with myself because I feel so guilty of having these thoughts. I didn’t want them and still don’t. They came out of nowhere after a panic attack and haven’t stoped since

lucronin

Date posted: 15h

@Parthxus I get that feeling a lot. I totally relate. Maybe another perspective is that, you don’t want these thoughts!! And still don’t. So, if everything was controllable, would they be there if you didn’t want them there? No. Maybe some things aren’t your fault or aren’t in your control. Idk though i’m not a doctor. Just some thoughts i wanted to share.

lucronin

Date posted: 15h

@Parthxus https://api.treatmyocd.com/link/post/2507296

Parthxus

Date posted: 14h

@lucronin Can I ask another question? Can you also get “I want to” thoughts? I keep getting worried and those thoughts even though I don’t like them

lucronin

Date posted: 14h

@Parthxus Yes. I get those all the time. (Trigger warning ) recently i really wanted to hurt someone because she was flirting with my man 🤧 And i did feel very driven by this thought. of course i didn’t hurt her. And like it was upsetting to have the thought even though i felt like it was from directly me. It’s hard to be plagued by thoughts that also are enticing in a a weird way. I feel shame sometimes. other times i remember facts that help me to be kind to myself. Today I learned that people with ocd have thoughts, urges, images, etc related to things they feel very strongly about. Like when i was a kid and i was protective of my brother. Or like how i feel strongly about my boyfriend. they get twisted a lot of the time though. Like i get stuff with worse things than i even want to type. It’s hard. And sometimes i can’t separate myself from them.

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