What I have learned from theme switching…

**Going to start this post by saying that I am not looking for reassurance, please do not provide any** Today, I’ve come to terms with the fact that something I have been interested in/thinking about/excited for/“researching” for some time is nothing more than a good old fashioned OCD theme switch. Almost 2 years ago I was diagnosed with OCD (SOOCD main theme, with ROCD mixed in.) One of the biggest things that triggered this OCD flare up was the talk of having kids with my husband. After months of hard work with exposures and NOCD therapy, I was feeling like myself again. Still had OCD, but the thoughts flowed in and out of me with little to no reaction. I felt proud about what I had accomplished, but knew there was still work ahead. Back in July, I had started feeling like I was ready to start the discussion of having kids again, but noticed some hormonal issues. After getting some blood work done, my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS. Because of this diagnosis, my husband and I had a conversation and decided to start trying soon because of how long it could take with PCOS. We have always been back and forth on the whole “kid” thing, but I got to a point where I so desperately wanted to know what half of him, and half of me would be like, and I couldn’t picture my life without a child anymore. In January, I did a total overhaul of my routine. Started taking supplements for my PCOS and tracking my cycle day-by-day. The hard part about TTC with PCOS, while also experiencing OCD, is that there is such a fine line between researching/tracking for my own knowledge, and researching compulsively. What started out innocently (what supplements to take, how to properly read LH test strips, what apps are the best, etc.) turned into some compulsive google searches and reddit thread rabbit holes (how severe is my PCOS based off these symptoms, should i test twice a day, my SILs dog jumped up on me and hit my pelvic area and would that kill my ovary, etc.) These thoughts about TTC and having a baby became constant, but when the doubt crept in about my symptoms or the possibility of not being able to have a child, I was immediately searching for reassurance online to make myself feel better. And I would justify it by saying “well, I need to be doing this research if I want to get pregnant. This is for my own knowledge, not OCD” the oldest OCD trick in the book lol. It finally hit me yesterday that this was a theme switch, and how a lot of my thought patterns were identical to my SOOCD thought patterns. Today, I am doing better (so far.) I have an appointment with my lady doctor next week and have set a goal for myself to work on my exposures that are around infertility/PCOS and not react or look to reddit for reassurance. I am locking myself out of all of the apps that I have been using in the past few months reassurance (cycle tracking, reddit, etc.) and I am going to work on sitting with the feelings that come along with this journey in my life (anxiety, sadness, jealousy, uncertainty) and allow them to be there, but keep moving forward.