You're not alone. One, Jesus died knowing all we are doing in our lives and all that we are going to do. This includes our thoughts and feelings, too. He knew how you were going to think and He still chose to forgive you. So there's no reason to run from Him when He understands and knows, and still forgives. There's no undoing His act of sacrifice.
These are two verses from Jesus' sermon on the mount that remind me of His promises. Matthew 6:27: "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:34: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." And in Philippians 4:6-7 it says, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." In 1 Peter 5:7 it reads "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." This honestly gives me peace just reading and writing about it, because 1, it reminds me that God is faithful and He will not let you down ("For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.") and 2, it refreshes me with the feeling of companionship, knowing Im never alone and I always have a spiritual shoulder to lean on. Hope this helps :)
Listen to Run to the Father by Cody Carnes and I Speak Jesus by Charity Gayle.
You, along with many others, are most likely telling yourself that "I need to clean up my life and then go to God." God effectively says "Come to me and I will clean up your life."
It says in 1 John 1:9 (ESV), "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness". You already did this first step!
Psalm 103:12 (ESV): "As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us". Once you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit lives within you and there's no undoing that
Luke 23:34 (ESV): "And Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do'". Again, Jesus has already forgiven you! And don't forget, He came to this earth, FROM HIS THRONE IN HEAVEN, to make it known to us His plan for the world's redemption. And since He came and had a life on this earth, He knows and experienced suffering. He understands YOU.
I hope this helps, Caylee! You are not alone. God has sent so many angels to protect you, not even 60,000 angels are the tip of the spear. And I believe that it is no coincidence that you are on this app with other people who have experienced similar things and are able to encourage you (hopefully in a Godly way too!). Thank you for confessing and I know that takes guts and bravery to do. God sees you and even through here, I can feel it. God Bless, and you're in my prayers!
