Existential OCD experience … help!!!

Hi guys, it’s my first post here and buckle up cos it’s a long one. I’m hoping to find relatability, similar shared experiences and hear from people who have come from my current place and recovered fully. I’ve had OCD issues since I was 14/15 and I’m a 19 year old uni student now. It’s been on and off with lots of good periods and bad ones too. I’ve dealt with themes like sexual orientation, harm and a few other smaller ones. The worst of all is existential OCD and DPDR and it’s been with me badly for the past few months. I always feel hyper aware about my consciousness, how I am alive and how anything is real. Everything scares me and I find myself questioning things I’d never question before, such as ‘how do other people have consciousness and vivid lives like mine’ , ‘how are we alive on this planet in a universe’ , ‘how do I know this entire life experience isn’t a simulation and everyone I’ve known to love and all my experiences are made up’ etc. Really distressing things that constant find their way in and dominate my brain. I find myself with high heart rate and anxiousness. When I think of recovery and a future without these issues, my OCD says ‘what if these recovery strategies and happy life is not real’ and a vicious loop is completed. Every time i attempt to settle myself , or reassure myself of things, my OCD always sends me back to square one and i feel hopeless. I think of what is nothing, and what is death and that unsettles me a lot and I suddenly feel trapped within life , thus more vicious cycles. I struggle even right now writing this to comprehend reality, or the concept of other people seeing this etc. everything I do or think gets attacked by a bug in my brain which offers scary ‘what if’ alternatives. I’d really like replies from those in very similar spots to me and those who know how I can fix all of this once and for all so I can start living

Raven_

Date posted: 20h

Wish I could tell you how to fix it, but you’re definitely not alone. Existential ocd and DPDR still haunt me. They’ve gotten better with therapy but are still present. Treating my depression in particular actually helped the most with reducing my dpdr.

cansy

Date posted: 13h

@Raven_ Are my symptoms and experiences shared by you?

Raven_

Date posted: 13h

@cansy Yes, my path started with dpdr but after experiencing the feeling of derealization it turned my OCD rampant. I constantly have to seek reassurance that everything is real and normal. I constantly replay memories from when I was younger to remind myself that these things did happen and life is real. I’ve also flirted with the idea of simulations and just never being able to get better. Even just the size of the earth and the universe drive me mad. It’s a terrifying feeling because you feel like you’ve completely lost it but are somehow super aware of it so you haven’t lost it. Like I know everything is normal but it doesn’t FEEL like it.

cansy

Date posted: 11h

@Raven_ I’m the exact same. I struggle to comprehend anything to do with life , the planet, relativity, the universe, conciousness and all of that stuff. Makes me anxious and the fact that there are no definitive answers means the OCD always comes back

Raven_

Date posted: 10h

@cansy It’s incredibly frustrating. It’s comforting to know we aren’t alone with the thoughts

Coret

Date posted: 23h

Welcome to the community 💗 if you haven’t already, checkout some of the videos on NOCD’s YouTube channel about doubt, uncertainty, and what we can’t know for sure. ERP, the therapy method that is used to treat OCD focuses on allowing the discomfort of not knowing, instead of finding ways to reassure ourselves and “answer” our doubts. I hope you find the NOCD community helpful!

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