Relationship OCD

Can anyone relate? I have dealt with ROCD across two long term relationships. The first was a high school relationship that just didn’t work out. But the one I’m in now has so much love in it. For the first time in my life, I went months without OCD ruling my life. But of course, I’m back in the thick of it. My thoughts also spike around specific traits about my boyfriend and then I ruminate about them, think about how it’s going to affect us long term, and basically spiral myself into thinking I’ve never loved him and I need to leave now or else I’m a horrible person who strung him along. How do I handle all of these negative emotions that come from hyper-fixating on these tiny things? I’m literally concerned because he’s not always super outgoing which usually doesn’t bother me actually but the second it’s inconvenient or it annoys me even the slightest (or I start comparing him to other people and how he “should” be) I start going in circles in my head that create all of these negative emotions and disconnection towards the person I love so much. Does anyone else struggle with this? There are so many things that I love about him. Why does my brain convince me that this one thing is going to cause me insurmountable pain down the road if I don’t fix it right now??

Marina18

Date posted: Yesterday

I'm going through something very similar. OCD and anxiety are so sneaky because they give you a ticking clock and need you to solve this immediately! When it has to do with something of your own, it's easier to push off that clock, but when it involves another person there's that extra layer of "if you don't solve this know, you're a terrible person for leading them on." This then feeds into the mentality of OCD of seeking certainty because you do have to come to some sort of answer. I'm really in the thick of it with this exact thought and here are some things that have helped (that I don't think are compulsions?). The first thing I remember is that there is no such thing as an OCD thought. OCD comes with how we deal with the thought. The thought itself of finding imperfections with your partner isn't bad. Everyone in a relationship (romantic, platonic, familial) notices when things don't line up 100%, but most people are able to objectively look at the relationship and make the mental calculation of "the good outweighs the bad." For us in the ROCD club, though, we look at that thought and then the spiral beings, "we aren't supposed to be together, this won't last long term, I should never have doubts about the person I love which means I don't really love them." I've heard a common theme with OCD is "I had the thought, therefore it must mean something," not realizing that everyone has negative thoughts, that doesn't make them true. Another thing that I remember is that if I try to "solve" each imperfection, my mind will come up with more. There's temporary relief when I check something off the list, but the list will inevitably keep growing because the OCD knows that I'll give it attention and it wants more. The best thing to do is also the hardest. Notice that you have the thought and then not assign meaning to it. I haven't gotten there yet, but I keep trying. I'm sending you a big hug, one sufferer to another.

Elizabeth James

Date posted: Yesterday

@Marina18 Wow Marina. Thank you for your words. Hugs to you as well!

Marina18

Date posted: Yesterday

@Elizabeth James - Of course! Happy to keep chatting in this thread as things come up. I'm sure we're going through a lot of the same themes and benchmarks of ROCD. Speaking of which, wondering if something that has been coming up for me has been coming up for you. When I'm spiraling the OCD tells me it's certain that we need to break up (even though when I'm feeling good, I couldn't be happier with my partner). So the mantra of "be ok with uncertainty" is just met with my OCD saying, "but I am certain, listen to me!"

Elizabeth James

Date posted: Yesterday

@Marina18 Yes yes yes! I think with our OCD, the only ‘certain’ thing can be breaking up because then you get the ‘relief’ your OCD so badly wants. But of course we know this wouldn’t be relief at all. Something I’ve been trying to remind myself is that when we are being led out of a relationship, it doesn’t feel loud and emergent. If we were being led to leave our partners, it would feel quieter and would be consistent incompatibilities or issues that come up when my OCD is not driving me. It would have been there during those times that I was feeling good. And maybe you can relate to this- I can’t always tell whether the thought is OCD or not, so what I try to do is look at how my body has been feeling around this time that I am having these thoughts and ruminations. Have I been anxious? Maybe it doesn’t feel loud but does it feel like I need to fix this right now like I can’t stop thinking about it until I do it? That helps me distinguish.

Marina18

Date posted: 23h

@Elizabeth James - 100% I feel like I had this tiny seed of doubt years ago and let it fester so much before seeking help that not it's always with me. And even in the good moments, I'm always checking to make sure it's good and that I feel love the way I should. It's a nasty weed that I've let grow for a long time and has gotten its roots into seemingly everything. I try to keep looking at the facts of how compatible we are and how there aren't consistent incompatibilities of issues, but then the voice says, "you shouldn't have to logic your way into loving this person, you should just feel it." To which my therapist has said, "Feelings lead us astray all the time. Thinking about who you spend your life with should be an intentional decision of looking at facts and values, not just a gut decision." Yes, I can relate to that. When I'm feeling like my most aligned self, things are great with us and I feel so lucky to have this person as my partner. The fear only creeps in during the times of panic.

Nightwing98

Date posted: Yesterday

I definitely relate to a lot of this. You are not alone!

Elizabeth James

Date posted: 22h

Oh for sure! It feels like it’s always there. And it brings SO much guilt! The guilt KILLS me. I also get the “you shouldn’t have to prove this” or “but do you really feel that way or do you just want to feel that way” UGH! I’ve somehow convinced myself that I’m forcing myself to love him. Love that quote from your therapist. Sometimes I have to write out a list of the qualities that he has that serve me and our future or just ones that I admire. And I even put down the ones that bring up the thoughts to live with the discomfort of acknowledging that he isn’t perfect. But no one is perfect. And that’s okay. More than anything, the best thing I have ever done is to notice a thought and just say “yeah that might be true, it might not be. Who knows” but it’s so hard! Especially when the thought might be around something that is maybe actually a valid concern. For me recently, my boyfriend and I went to meet my nephew. I felt that he seemed slightly disengaged. This bothered me and I do think it’s a valid thing to talk about as his relationship with my family it’s important to me. But my OCD ran. It turned into “they’re gonna hate him, he doesn’t care, every family event is gonna bring me so much anxiety because he’s not gonna be fully engaged, I would be so much happier right now if he was super chatty with my family” and the list goes on. But turns out he’s just not around babies a lot so he was a little more nervous than usual. Boom problem solved. But I created WWIII in my head instead lol. I definitely think when we are feeling a little on edge we have to just say out loud “maybe, maybe not” and try to not engage.” When I’m really deep in a spiral is when finding the facts helps the most.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond