cheating ocd

@MM90 usually i get anxiety about a night out only after when my memory comes back after a blackout. i didnt black out but i keep wondering what if i did and that feeling later on was the truth? i had a weird dream that night about the guy i was there with but i get scared it wasnt a dream and did happen

@MM90 thank u so much it means a lot! its so hard grappling with this because my bf and i broke up a few weeks back but we recently had a talk and he brought up me needing reassurance so he felt tortured thinking i did cheat on him. i wouldnt even want to cheat or anything i was very drunk around people i thought i could trust but one guy has been weird to me before so its scary about that and i asked him if someone made me uncomfortable whether it was him or someone else and he just said he was blaxked out

@MM90 this means the world thank you so much. and yes i agree because when i’m drunk and something like a guy touched me weirdly happens, i immediately tell everyone and get freaked out and i don’t recall any of that and i would’ve told my (ex ☹️) bf if smth like that happened. ive just been re-triggered because my reassurance seeking played a factor in us breaking up. because he believed that if i kept saying i think smth happened, that smth did and i was just hiding it. if u ever need to talk too i am here, i appreciate your responses so much! its so hard because i’m ruminating on everythinggg because me and him just had a talk. he told me that i need to forgive myself for what i did wrong which makes me feel more and more guilty for my mistakes, and wonder if i deserve to ever be cared about like tha

@MM90 he believed that i did it only after i mentioned it so many times for a week. because i believed it myself. i know i am good because this has shook me to my core for over a month now. but i cant help but think this coming on and not going away means that something happened. because ive felt anxiety and hangxiety before but never developed ocd from it. ive been going through a tough time and am scared that when i was drunk i thought that guy was my bf (my bf had left two days prior) and did something out of drunk confusion. but i go to a small university so i feel like someone wouldve known if something happened? and if smth did and only that guy knows, then he is awful for taking advantage of me and not telling me when i asked him if someone made me uncomfortable. i cant help but blame myself because this cheating ocd caused me to become a different person this month and played a huge part in me and bf’s breakup.

@MM90 i was very drunk not blacked out so i think id remember if something bad happened. i have not drank like that since and had a panic attack th next time i went to that bar because of the situation. i never suffered rruly with ocd until this event so that is why i cant fathom that its fake. he believed i wouldnt do anything and said amazing things like “its just as likely that u started breakdancing at the bar. ANYTHING could have happened in the times you dont remember” i have not been diagnosed with ocd and some friends im talking to about this say “well that worry has to come from somewhere” which i believe. a few weeks prior i blacked out and felt that hangxiety like i cheated and my friends told me i was talking to a guy all night. i didnt do anything just talked for a long time. but this feels like that day on crack so it feels like something real happened