Idk what’s wrong with me help?

I have intrusive thought and emotional/relationship OCD And idk if I need to seek more professional help than what I’m getting I’m seeing a therapist but maybe I should one that specializes in ocd specifically. I’m not sure to be honest I wonder if it’s more than my ocd. It’s really hard for me to accept love…of all kinds not just romantic. My parents gave me a book of all the things they loved about me. I feel really guilty for admitting it but I don’t feel anything. I can’t be happy as much as I can be sad or angry. But I don’t think I’ve felt loved truly in a really long time. I think apart of that is the way I always have to go through a check list or things have to mark of boxes for me to experience something “genuine” (but that kinda defeats the whole point) which I think is why I struggle so much. But when it does come romantic love it’s kinda always been difficult for me. And maybe it’s just because I’m 17 or maybe there is something wrong with me. I never really like relationships when I was younger but I still had a few boyfriends it never went anywhere…but it went places when I tried girls. And every time ended in tears. My first kiss…sobbed my eyes out. When I told my ex I loved her I had a panic attack. It’s not that I don’t accept myself for being gay because I do really like girls. But regardless of its men or women I’ll never feel comfortable enough to let myself be okay with being loved. I also know how taxing it can be to be friends with someone like me let alone to me dating someone like me. “Stop asking if I’m mad at you or if you did something” “Why haven’t you answered me or reached out” My ex was the first person I told about my diagnosis because it made our relationship and why we ended make sense. I’m aware of how mentally draining I was. Idk I think I could talk about this for a while…I just don’t really know what to do from here I also think it got increasingly worse when I was SAd by someone I was seeing it wasn’t necessarily violent it was more just mentally manipulative and mentally abusive. I feel like people don’t really believe me and I don’t really need them too it’s not like I went public with it. I just kinda stayed quiet the best I could. It’s really hard for me to be touched now not even in a sexual way I mean I froze up when I went on a first date and started crying… I always hated big gestures and gifts but I think I despise them even more now. I haven’t seen anyone in almost two years just because I don’t really see a point. I don’t ever see anything going anywhere else but making me feel like what ever this feeling is. But I don’t like sitting with it. Anyway I really hope I don’t sound crazy or emotionally thirsty ig idk

Chrispycut

Date posted: Yesterday

I remember trying to date when I was younger & my obsessive thoughts would consume me in any capacity of receiving love, especially feeling unworthy of it. Reflecting at 27 I can give you this advice: it’s hard to find love when you’re still finding yourself. It’s easier to push everyone away when you’re so uncertain about everything, but let yourself be loved, especially by you. Sending lots of support 🫶🏼

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Self care and self reflection seem like they might be the most helpful here. You’ve gotta do the work emotionally, but it sounds like you can ask your family and therapist for support or direction with that. Also please remember that there is nothing wrong with you for not feeling the way you want to or think you should be feeling or not feeling at all. And if you find yourself not enjoying the way you’re feeling, take a breath, and if it feels possible in that moment, do something small to help create more feelings you’d like instead. That can be writing cards to loved ones, finding new music, eating a snack, completing a responsibility so you don’t stress out later, or watching tv to relax now, and many more activities. Be creative and keep in mind all types of health. Best of luck with all this. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got this.

CatGee

Date posted: Yesterday

I saw 10 different psychologists over the last decade and it wasn’t until my current therapist who specializes in OCD that I noticed significant process in how I feel. If you’re asking about choosing a therapist, my experience says ‘find an OCD focused practitioner’ if you can.

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