My OCD made me a toxic partner

Warning: Mentions of ROCD and POCD I never post here anymore because I didn’t feel the need to, but a week ago, I broke up from a relationship I should’ve let go of a while back but wasn’t ready to accept that it wasn’t working. I’ve been reflecting on how I acted in the relationship before things ended, and it has lead to painful realizations. I get intrusive thoughts of whether I’m a good person (partner), whether I’m a sexual predator, whether the love in the relationship is true or not, and when in a relationship that had forms of intimacy in it, there were more times than I could count where I just wanted my head to shut up. I know that reassurance seeking is a compulsion and I have abused that to a fault. I kept asking for reassurance about multiple things like whether she loves me, whether she felt assaulted by me, or if what I did 2 years ago would be considered cheating. She reassured me even if it didn’t help, but I craved that temporary comfort. It was to the point where I was confessing things that when misunderstood, lead to more harm than good. There were times that I said that reassurance doesn’t help me but then Id come crawl for more after. I became quite contradictory when it came how I wanted my needs to be met and other things. I didn’t fully realize that me constantly opening up, confessing, and not properly coping with my anxiety lead to emotional pressure on her end which made her exhausted. She is a human being, not an outlet for my shitty mental health. I am also an incredibly insecure and self deprecating person, which also exhausted the relationship. I gave up easily and talked down about myself alot and it’s just not a good thing to be like when being with someone who loves you, when you don’t even love yourself. I ruined so many moments this way. Dates, phone calls, intimacy, and because our mental healths clashed so much with each other I ended up confusing love for anxiety and worry. Even if I was better about these habits or had changed sooner, I know things wouldn’t have worked out. The spark between us was dying for other reasons and the relationship wasn’t working out. The guilt of my immaturity and emotional dependence has turned me into static. Not because I miss what we had, but I held onto the hope that things would change and that I could’ve been a lot better. I even have therapy but I don’t think I talked about this enough to have found a way to cope. The feeling is painful and the only times I’ve been truly happy lately is when I’m drunk as of recently. I’m not drinking constantly but it’s the only time I feel truly loosened up. I know that change is possible once I find the right coping skills and change my behavior patterns, I’m not even going to try for a relationship until I’m certain that this behavior won’t be a reoccurring issue. I became a version of myself I hated in that relationship. I have a lot to work on, but I feel hopeless right now and I just can’t forgive myself.