For anyone battling with whether to be medicated

I almost never post on here, but I felt i needed to. I started therapy with NOCD in 2022. I have been to the best and worst places with ERP: I have been essentially asymptomatic, and I have also been at my rock bottom with OCD while I’ve been with NOCD. One of my biggest trials was avoiding taking medication. I knew it would help, I knew it would make life easier, and erp easier, but I couldn’t stomach the idea that it would feel like giving up. What if that meant I was a failure because I couldn’t beat it myself? What if it meant I was broken? Etc etc I had stopped going to therapy for a year, having been to me “asymptomatic” and I had been through probably the toughest year mentally of my life. I decided I would restart therapy. “No one worked harder in therapy than me, surely this will solve it.” (Mhmmmm, not therapy being the compulsion so I could ‘fix’ something.) Eventually my time with my therapist was coming to an end and I still wasn’t feeling great. I spent years avoiding a psychiatrist, but eventually I was just so exhausted, I noticed that talking about my OCD and doing compulsions was essentially a part time job with the amount of time it stole from me. Getting reassurance, making sure I was doing ERP right, etc, this mental illness I had realized was my defining character trait now, and I knew I was so much more than that. I knew if I was this scared to simply take a pill, then that probably was even more of a sign that I needed to try it. Before I could think more about it, I messaged my therapist on here for a reference to a psych. I had an appointment booked within an hour, and saw the psych within 2 weeks. I can honestly say I left that appointment crying of happiness because I had never felt more heard or seen. medication is the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. In my mind when I had pictured what “being done with erp” looked like for me, what “getting a handle on OCD” could mean? never could I have visualized how amazing life and myself could be, like truly that’s how life changing it was. Of course I will have hard days, but when you are previously in the trenches everything feels like rainbows. The way I have such an easy time now handling things is a breath of fresh air. So I’m writing this so maybe someone in the same position as I was can use this. Medication isn’t failure, in fact, it was the best decision I ever made for myself. I hope that can bring someone some insight 💛