The future with my POCD/Scrupulosity

CW: Mention of Kink I just got back from a week long vacation with no internet. I don't really know how I feel about the trip yet, as I was dealing with intrusive thoughts the entire time, but the physical things I did on the trip were fun. I did experience a slip-up, and had some very distressing urges come about due to constant triggers, but I think I handled it okay. Probably... Regardless, now that I'm back, I feel like I have changed somewhat, and my physical and mental responses have become much less intense. But, as I enter this new mental phase, I can't help but wonder what life will be like if I have to worry about if I'll ever experience an intense mental storm like this again. In the recent past, I was a part of a kink sub-community that I have recently realized that it was wrong to be a part of. Now that I'm changing and trying to make it to where I only want to indulge in the ethical parts of that kink community, it makes me question if that's even possible. The community has blurred the lines of what's okay, and there are only a handful left who have been vocal about their intolerance of the problematic part of it, which makes it difficult to enjoy when the part of the community that wants to remain on the safe and ethical feels like the smaller portion now. And even if I stay in that safe part of that space, I have to make sure what I'm enjoying never crosses a problematic mental boundary, otherwise it's all for nothing. On top of that, I can't erase my past and just pretend I was never part of the problem, because I was. I felt pressured because all my at-the-time friends were just okay with it so I tried to be to, and I thought I was up until when the spiral kicked in and opened my eyes to my wrongdoing. Now I have that mistake etched into my history forever, and I don't know how to forgive myself for it when I know a lot of others won't if they ever found out that used to be me. Hell, I can't say it isn't part of me now because it feels like part of my brain wants to go back still. I'm not sure if that's my ocd or some twisted nostalgia, but either way, my emotions feel very fickle about the topic and I can only trust my values right now. The point of this post being, how do I go on when it feels like I don't have a place in the world because of what I've done and what I am? How do I move on and not want to look back?

anon7336474864

Date posted: 14h

i’m currently dealing with a similar situation, i’ll give a take that i can’t guarantee is *correct, but it’s a thought process i’m trying to navigate about myself, as well. first of all, i think that age is a huge factor. if you were/are relatively young, i hear that kink exploration is normal as you grow and learn learn about kink in general. not saying it’s the right thing to do, but if it’s something you were exposed to and especially since you had people saying it was okay, i understand how people can be swayed like that, since it happened to me. i think i’ve seen some people saying that being into that stuff could be a trauma response, too. (again, not saying that it’s okay to consume, just an explanation.) i think that the best way that you can ground yourself from not indulging in that content is to stick to your values and try to figure out why you were attracted to that type of thing. i think that there’s always a reason to be attracted to the things that you’re attracted to, and if it’s a taboo kink, there might be some unpacked trauma involved. i also feel similar feelings of not being able to fit in because of past actions, and i think that it’s better to explain to a therapist, but i’ll try my best to give an opinion. there are going to be people in the world that would forgive you, and there are going to be people that wouldn’t. you can’t change that. if you’re changing yourself to become a better person, that stuff disgusts you now, and if you mentally agree with the morals of it being wrong and you don’t want to go back, i believe that there’s nothing else you are able to do to prove yourself as different from that person you once were, all you can do is heal and figure your reasoning out for why you were into it. i could be “wrong,” but that’s personally my thoughts. apologies if i misunderstood anything

Kam-talope

Date posted: 14h

@anon7336474864 Thank you for your perspective. There are definitely a few things I could pin down as the source of trauma that I have yet to fully unpack, which might explain why I was into that stuff. My concern right now is trying to sort of float by the positive and negative emotional reactions my body keeps having until my nervous system fully resets, as examining my emotions and thoughts right now will only make me feel like I secretly enjoy the stuff. And some people not forgiving me for my past actions is probably a justifiable punishment for ever being part of such a thing, so I can't be too upset.

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