Prozac lessening anxiety but not thoughts

I started Prozac about 2 months ago because I have been going through absolute hell since January. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2023, but I feel like I pushed for the diagnosis because of my shame and self hatred about a bunch of real events that were actually terrible. I have been obsessing over my relationship since January, and I've been in therapy twice weekly. My therapist thinks it's likely I Have OCD, and she has diagnosed me with BPD. Over the months, my obsessions have gone from real terrible thoughts and events regarding my relationship from the past, fear that I don't actually know how to love, worry that I'm with my girlfriend out of dependence/familiarity, and feeling very disconnected. There are so many more things I can't even begin to mention here. After I started 20 mg of Prozac, I was feeling slightly hopeful on occasion. Then I upped it to 40mg, and I'm still thinking of nothing but my relationship all day, vut I feel like the meds have dulled both my anxious feelings and my loving feelings. So it's making all of the thoughts feel almost worse than when I was constantly sick to my stomach with anxiety. I feel fake all the time. I can't stop thinking about if this is really what I want, how I don't know how I'm going to come back from all the fucked up things I've thought this year. I don't know how to prove to myself that it's not "just" dependency and familiarity, because I have always been very dependent on her and I'm trying to fix that. I'm obsessed with the idea that I'm lying to myself and I'm in denial about not actually wanting my relationship. I hate it. I have been with my gf for a decade. She is the person I'm closest to, my best friend. I have put her through so much shit with my BPD and other mental health issues. I don't want a future without her. But what if I'm just lying to myself? We've been together since we were teenagers. I have had doubts before, but I pushed through them. No I worry that those doubts were actually my subconscious telling me something, and that I'm ignoring the inevitable by doubling down that I want to be with her when I feel so numb and unsure. I know I want to want her, and my therapist seems to think that if I want to want her this badly, that shows that I do want her. I'm so tired of feeling so fake, disconnected, numb, and sad. I miss how I used to feel. I miss the certainty. I'm so tired and I don't know how this is going to end well when I have been stuck for so long. Does anyone have any advice, specifically around the tipics of denial/lying to yourself/worrying about the subconscious? I'm scared that even if everything gets better, I will always know that I spent months and months doubting everything, that I had thoughts of life without my girlfriend. I hate it here.

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14h

I found the medicine helped but really ERP was what gave me full relief

BigGyro09

Date posted: 14h

I'm really sorry that you're dealing with an overwhelming amount of intrusive thoughts that aren't helping. While I don't know what it's like to deal with thoughts about lying to yourself about what you want, I do know what it's like to worry about every little thing that seems to come up in life based on how they will go. With OCD, thoughts are just thoughts but we unfortunately happen to hyper fixate on them. We think of so many things throughout the day that it's hard not to do what our minds were made to do. When it comes to your relationship with your girlfriend, I think you do desire to be with her deep down and you don't want to actually be apart. It's very important to tell your therapist how prozac is making you feel and how it doesn't seem to be helping with your thoughts. If the main difficulty is thoughts then I'm hoping there's medication for that. I'm assuming your girlfriend knows about all of these feelings you've shared on here and how hard things have been. I don't think you've done anything bad that is your fault. I just think OCD is being a real pain as of lately. It really does suck but OCD isn't something that you chose. It isn't your fault. Try to shift the perspective that you get when it comes to said thoughts. I hope this helps in any way. I know it can be tough though and I'm sorry for that.

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