Obsessions about Morality/Being a Bad Person

Hello, I am new to both my OCD diagnosis and the NOCD community, as my therapist just told me about it this week. It is nice to meet you! Please excuse the length of this post... I am recently dealing with a lot of obsessive thoughts about being a "bad person" or that something is "wrong with me" — that can translate to a lot of different things, depending on the trigger. Sometimes the thought is that I am a "bad friend" — triggered by feeling overwhelmed by text messages and not responding right away, then feeling more stressed about doing so the further it gets from the last time we spoke. Sometimes the thought is that I am "bad at *being* a person" — feeling like I struggle to do things that seem to be so easy for other people (I also have been diagnosed with ADHD which I think contributes to that feeling). Sometimes the thought is that I am lazy, or selfish, or one of many hundred other "bad" adjectives and that because of that thing, I am not deserving of love. Shame has been a big part of my life and self-image and it's dragging me down so much. Today the obsession was the thought that I might be a covert or "benign narcissist" and went right to the internet to read about it and try to determine if I am. Often, I seek reassurance from others or by researching things to try to come to a conclusion. Sometimes I watch YouTube videos about internet drama and find myself trying to catalog different rules in my head for what makes a "bad person" and how I can avoid being that way. I feel like I tend to have a black-and-white way of seeing things, and it can be very difficult for me not to label things as bad and therefore to be avoided. I am not trying to seek reassurance now or have anyone tell me that I'm not a bad person, but rather I would just like to know if this resonates with anyone and if you have dealt with similar feelings, what are some things that have helped you to sit with the uncertainty or stop labeling things in such black and white terms? Thank you for reading, and I appreciate any thoughts you may have. ♥️

MommingByATh...

Date posted: 16h

I literally had to double check that I hadn’t written this and forgot about it. This is me to a T. Very new to this process too so no advice, but you’re definitely not alone. ❤️

mjr-rust

Date posted: 16h

I struggle a lot with this thinking as well! Glad to know I'm not alone. From my perspective specifically, dealing with Real Event OCD and feeling like I have done (objectively) some bad things, it helps to add more gray area to the idea of "good" and "bad." It's pretty safe to assume everyone on this planet has done something bad at least once. Whether it be they said something wrong, had a negative personality trait, hurt someone, etc. We recognize that there are obviously extremes and lows to the idea of bad, but putting it straight we've all done something that could be termed bad; so why are all of us not bad people? Simultaneously we also don't always agree on where actions or thoughts or words lie on this fake line of badness we've made for ourselves; my point being, we all have our own perception and definition of things. In someone's eyes, you could objectively be a bad person. Someone could view the people you deem bad as good. We cannot police and predict how everyone views us objectively and so I've found that my best bet, as someone with extreme moral OCD and guilt, is to just go by my own terms. To me, being a bad person means doing bad things and continuing to do them without regret or the want to do better. Most of us aren't "bad people" because we do bad things and learn from them anyway. You may have your own definition instead for what makes up a bad person, but like I said, it's entirely up to you. There will always be a point of conflict, and that is what can help us gain certainty over these kinds of thoughts :-)

cNatDeFrn

Date posted: 16h

In times when I’ve done something wrong or thought I did and upset people, I need to remind myself that I’m not going to please everyone, no matter how hard I try to do so. In essence I do think I can relate to this!

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