Advice?

I found out yesterday that my boyfriend used onlyfans. We only started dating about a month ago and met about 3 months ago. It showed up in his recently closed tabs on safari and he claims its old and he hasn't done it since before me and I do believe him and I want to trust him because he hasn't given me other reasons not to, that I know of, but I know itll linger in the back of my head and I'll doubt and question him constantly. I always have this issue where whenever I feel betrayed or lied to in a relationship I get extremely upset and reactive and it never really subsides and I'll dwell on something for years of that relationship and project it onto new partners. It makes the relationship feel like its ruined and contaminated and won't ever be the same because it'll always be in the back of my head and come up randomly and I'll always overthink if they're doing it. Any ideas on how to stop doing this or what this is?

N88

Date posted: 15h

This is the slippery slope of if we ask for that reassurance from our partner again and again about a scenario we keep replaying that may have no weight in their world, it doesn't help us achieve what we really want here. I think just fostering a good environment of mutual respect, trust, and boundaries is the most important base in a relationship. Since you've only been dating a month I'd focus on building those pillars before concluding that he is doing anything that you don't approve of. Also, if you've never had a conversation about him using onlyfans we cant assume that he knows you would have a problem with it either. Allowing ourselves to have conversation *after* that initial feeling of emotion or reassurance seeking with our partner is a good step to allow the relationship to be successful. If he's the one for you, he'll listen to your concerns, but he's not a mind reader and neither are you. Recently I realized that in my last relationship I was so quick to place my doubts and feelings onto my partner because I would only speak once things had boiled over or I was in a high emotional state and I didn't realize these behaviors were stemming from ocd. It's a journey and working on this in therapy has allowed me to trust that there is a life where these thoughts we have like this won't always feel so overwhelming.

nomoreocd24

Date posted: 15h

I can see how that would be hurtful for you. Nobody’s perfect, and if he claims that it occurred prior to you, so long as it does not happen again, I would just trust him. Don’t be on the lookout either, as I can turn into a compulsion. If you wanna do an exposure, say, “maybe so, maybe not.” I think as a man, it’s important to quit watching that sort of content, when in a relationship. It create insecurities and feel unfaithful. I don’t think it hurts to explain that how it makes you feel in good words. I’m sure you two will work through this.

aflairforthe...

Date posted: 9h

thank you guys so much, i plan on talking with him more about it later since ive calmed down a lot since then. ill have to let him know to not give into my compulsions too lol

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