Grieving what my OCD has cost me.

I'm in my 30s and only discovered I had OCD when I decided to try therapy half a year ago. As I've been exploring my OCD, it's really started to sink in that so much of who I think of myself as, my personality, my interests, my "story", it's all rooted in my OCD. I felt like there was something different about me ever since I was a kid, and that feeling never stopped growing. I thought maybe I was just unique, thoughtful, "deep", someone that didn't fit in because I was special, an idealist. But it turns out I was just trapped in my head, entertaining a constant barrage of thoughts, doubts, and questions I couldn't answer. Who am I? How does everyone else know who they are? How should I act so people don't dislike me? What would make me a good person? If I'm good will I fit in? What should I study? How should I dress? What will make me happy? Why does the thing that made me happy yesterday not make me happy today? What's the thing that will make me happy everyday? What should I do with every minute of my life? Years went by while I lived in this whirlpool of uncertainty. I suffered quietly. I was often exhausted, and I didn't have the energy or confidence to live to the fullest. I felt like an alien, and that everyone else could tell. I coped with it by always choosing the safest possible action, or what just "felt right" in the face of infinity "I don't knows". I spent most of my time alone, or with my few but precious friends. I was sometimes depressed, but mostly scared. But even though I felt trapped and stuck, time gradually gave me insight. I did learn more about myself. How to be me, and kinda feel good about it. But I feel so incredibly behind too. There's so much I missed out on because I didn't know how to cope with a condition I didn't even know I had. I chose a career out of uncertainty and it's plain as day it's not what I'd choose if I could do it all over. Until now I never even dated. A great step up that I finally started trying, but the slightest mistep hurls me into a rumination sensation. Today in therapy I was just venting about this and that, just the little things, and suddenly these words came out: "I feel like I was robbed". I got more emotional than I've ever been in front of my therapist. She taught me that once we get to a certain point in our recovery, we can't help but grieve. In particular, when you learn to manage it. When you finally know some peace, and you realize that peace is just what's normal for everyone else. I hope to know some more peace, and make up for what was lost. Maybe make what could have been, what is.