Advice? long post probably a bit of a vent

I guess I’m feeling a bit down today because I turned down an invitation to a party that’s happening today and it serves as a reminder of how I’ve let my ocd and problems with forming relationships affect me. I want to be there because I hate missing out but at the same time I fear that going would feed my magical thinking and anxious spirals. context: a year and a half ago I asked out the girl who invited me to this party. She said yes which made me really happy since I felt/feel unwanted, and worry about potential mistakes/rejections. Anyway she said that she wanted to take it slow because she had past abandonment issues and was more avoidant (I respected this). Sure this made me feel bad but I’d still try to plan small (casual) hangouts when she was free which she’d always push off (felt like something was wrong with me). I’d constantly think abt our next convo and once summer came I would spiral over the next text and how to make it perfect to keep the conversation going out of fear of making a mistake and losing her. 6 months later and it was the end of summer break and we hadn’t hung out once so I made a final attempt and we went to the fair together. To make a long story shorter, she admitted to saying yes to going out just to make me happy and essentially to stringing me along for 6 months which broke my heart ngl (I guess my friends did warn me about the first wlw relationship curse 😔). I tried to communicate clearly and make her understand the way she absolutely destroyed me and my trust and how much time I had put into considering her needs and planning things but she made an excuse and acted like nothing happened. Anyway, for almost the whole next school year I didn’t talk to her and avoided any form of interaction because WHY would I do that to myself? Two months before school ended a mutual friend said that the girl who led me on felt like I hated her and wanted the mutual friend to ask me if I did. I ended up sending the girl a somewhat heated text about how it hurt that she couldn’t even reach out to ask me herself and to talk like adults if she wanted to. Also I expressed that as someone who constantly worries abt being a bad person/managing morality (I told her abt this) I felt it was wrong of her to make me feel like it was my fault for reacting in what I felt was a pretty normal way? We had a convo in person after exam season and I honestly told her that I didn’t believe that we could be friends because of what she did and her refusal to grow which made her cry and I felt so bad that I ended up comforting her and letting her vent about her life instead and for some idiotic reason I agreed to be friends again. I obsessively think about how I shouldn’t have agreed because all it does is make me feel left out when isolating myself previously had at least been my choice. She seems to be trying but at the same time I just don’t know how to deal with her when she still can’t grasp the amount of pain she caused me and knowing that she has a tendency to promise change without following through for more than a few months. How do I cope with the pervasive feeling that I’m unwanted and defective?? How w do I cope with wanting to be her friend and the overwhelming thoughts of winning her over and showing her what a healthy relationship can be if i stay friends (this is 100% magical thinking but I can’t stop) it’s messing with me and it hurts me to have declined her invite but at the same time i wonder if maybe i need to slowly drift away for the sake of my sanity even if it hurts me for a little while…? I also feel like i can never trust anyone with my feelings ever again, even my friends and family, due to the unbearable fear that they’re all just faking 😭

Vv10

Date posted: 1h

I think it’s worth it to drift away. You clearly communicated how she made you feel bad and she actively chose to ignore and dismiss your emotions in that moment. Also you said she has a tendency to promise change without following through. It sounds like she’s just going through too much to be more considerate of the people around her and while that’s unfortunate and hopefully she gets better it’s not fair to you to hold onto a friendship that will seemingly only hurt you more than it has. To me if clear communication is ignored and feelings are not considered of both party’s when conflict / confrontation occurs it just seems like yr dealing with someone who’s willfully avoiding confrontation or responsibility & it can’t be healthy in tht case imo. (+I know what u mean on the first wlw relationship curse i’m in da community too & been for years so i been through a lot of it bro lol 😭) As for coping with feeling unwanted and defective it’s a personal battle that I feel like I too fight everyday. Sadly it’s a painfully slow process of understanding what holding space for yourself / caring for yourself can look like and then implementing those things more frequently. Idk when i started therapy on this app but when i did i had no self esteem bro ocd stripped me so bad of who i was and im still rebuilding that but its taken like 2 years for me to even get to a point of understanding what that means for myself and im still learning how to apply those things in my day to day i still am and still struggling with self esteem a lot I mean shit i don’t really have friends tbh and have talked to over like 100+ maybe even 200+ ppl in just this year to find friends and got ghosted by 99% i understand feeling unwanted and defective. It’s awful but I believe you can get to a point of hopefully resisting that belief of yourself more and more to where the thought gets less and less loud and frequent friend. 🫶🏼

Vv10

Date posted: 1h

+ Unfortunately people won’t communicate directly and or lie about how they feel which is terrifying but we just have to sit with the uncertainty of the idea that they may or may not be honest. & Just hope the people we have trusted would be kind enough to be truthful to us. Literally yuck I know anxiety inducing as HELL but it’s all we should do otherwise it’ll become obsessive if we ponder on it too much. 🫠 I’ve been there too and being obsessive about ppl being honest with you or not can soil relationships too.

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