Anyone else?

My intrusive thoughts are so constant that it is hard to determine what’s real and not real. For example, I can’t really figure out if I have a crush on my boyfriend’s friend or if it is just ocd. My therapist says it is ocd, but isn’t it also possible that I am in denial? I have a history of believing fully on my intrusive thoughts, and my thoughts acting like commands or statements. The thing is that my boyfriend made me sad a while ago, like felt betrayed sad about something, and I did have the thought then about his friend, once when he hugged me. I do think he is attractive and nice, so it’s not like when I had the intrusive thought about liking my dad, it’s more believable. And I honestly don’t know what to do. The thought of him and all makes me feel awful and has made me want to kill myself and have had that as a plan in case I lose control and cheat. The thing I can’t stop thinking is, who wouldn’t feel terrible about these thoughts? It’s not like feeling terrible about them proves it’s ocd, I mean, it could still be true? Also, I am anxious when I go out because I stare at men and feel terrible but I can’t stop. Am I just in denial? Or am I in a really bad place? It’s ofcourse hard to tell for a stranger but idk does anybody have similar symptoms? His face pop up everyday and the thought about me liking him and the true thought that he is nice and attractive. I’m afraid all the time that I’ll say his name out loud because it repeats over and over in my head. I’m shaky and it is just so bad, worse than ever and it is ruining my life and chance of happiness

jbn113

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17h

Yes! I have been in a similar place before. It can feel so confusing to figure out what’s true, especially with very possible scenarios. It’s not easy, but keep working your ERPs and living in that grey area of “maybe, maybe not”. I’ve had to do some ERPs that made me feel guilty in the moment but in the long run really helped. I used to think I wasn’t capable of love but now I know that OCD is tricky. It always goes after what you value most and the only way to keep it in check is to do the work. I really do believe with practice you’ll feel better. I won’t lie to you, I have moments here and there, but they are much more manageable than before. You got this ❤️

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

I understand what you are going through. I have ROCD, except my thoughts revolve around what my partner is doing, not what I am doing. Anything new that my partner interacts with can be a trigger for my OCD to spiral and worry that it means my partner is going to change and cheat on me, start to like someone else, or become a gross person. If my partner and I have an argument, or if life is stressful at the moment, that makes the OCD appear more. Here's where I feel we are similar: Sometimes, I can't tell if my worries are real. It feels real. I don't want my partner to cheat on me. If my OCD is telling me that my partner liking xyz is going to make them cheat on me, then I obviously don't want them to engage with xyz. I mean, my brain is literally saying "xyz is going to make them cheat on you. It is crossing a boundary". How could that not be a real thought? The reality of the situation is that it's NOT REAL. It feels real, but that's how OCD thrives. It latches onto things you care most about to try and make itself seem real. If it seems real, then you do all the wrong things by engaging with it, and it only grows stronger. For years, I engaged with my OCD because I didn't realize what it was. And it just felt like I was on the verge of being cheated on or being disrespected in my relationship. It was very hard to trust that it wasn't real, and to just ignore it. But that's what you have to do. And I can say that it gets SOOO much better! You are asking a lot of questions in your message. That's engaging with your OCD. Step 1 is to recognize you are in a triggered state. Which I think you have done. You just don't know if it is OCD or not. That's step 2. Step 2 is to sit with the uncertainty. Do NOT try to figure out if it is OCD or not. Do NOT question the thoughts or try to pick the thoughts apart. For me, that means sitting and accepting that xyz might lead my partner to cheat. And IF that happens, I will deal with it then. For you, that means seeing other men and accepting that maybe you do find them attractive. Maybe them appearing in your mind means something, maybe it doesnt. But right now you are choosing not to engage with figuring that out. Do not engage. Sit with it, feel uncomfortable, then shift to something else. Chores, hobbies. But don't engage with the thoughts. The more you engage with the ocd, the more frequently these thoughts are going to rapid fire popup in your mind. The more you DISENGAGE with the thoughts, the less powerful your OCD becomes. And those same thoughts you are getting right now could popup months later and you could literally laugh them off or realize how silly they are. Thats how powerful and effective if it to ignore the OCD. Questioning if it's real is an indicator it's OCD. Seaking certainty is an indicator it's OCD. If you need to know right then and there what your thoughts mean, then it's OCD. Slow down. Breathe. Nothing has to be decided right now. I've been shaky before. I've felt betrayed by my partner. I've felt my mind race so quickly that I didn't know how I could possibly make it through this. But you can. And once you start, it is incredible how freeing it is. I promise. You just have to be consistent. I know you can do this. You are okay. It's okay. I feel what you are saying. And I am telling you that life is so worth it and the dark tunnel you feel you are in is just a blanket OCD is tossing on you. You just have to ignore it and force the blanket off. I believe in you!

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