OMG I was watching an old Oprah and how this wife and husband ended up being gay and lesbiwn and how she knew but she didn’t know and how she was boy crazy in high school and I’m scared now because of my past am I

I watched the trailer for the movie “Am I Ok?” and got completely triggered. Basically a 32 yo woman discovers she’s a lesbian seemingly out of nowhere. I was triggers and did some research (bad idea) and apparently some people who are gay have never had romantic or sexual interest in people of the same sex until one spontaneous moment of discovery. Now I’m worried that this could be me!! I’ve never had a long term relationship, have had crushes and fantasies but back out when things get too close for me. I do prefer my little fantasy world guy but now I’m wondering if maybe I missed something and am in denial, even if I didn’t know it.

I keep seeing tiktoks of things that are like ‘things I did as a lesbian in denial’ or ‘things my not so straight straight friend said’ and I feel like I might relate to some!! But idk!! It’s kinda triggering me. I’ve had this 5 years on and off now so when it comes back the whole well you’ve had it so long you must be gay comes up. I have been with my boyfriend almost 6 years and i love him so much I don’t want to be gay (nothing weong with it - I’m just not and don’t want to be!)

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).