I feel like people’s lives get worse when I heal

Even though today has been fine and life has been improving lately, my thoughts started to spiral today. It feels like I don’t deserve a good life or healing since I held a lot of questionable beliefs as a kid and did a bunch of bad stuff - And whenever my life seems to get better and I start to learn how to be myself again, everyone’s lives around me get worse whether they are friends, family, or just simply my favorite YouTubers. When I damn near quit my dreams of being my artist, my OCD was running unchecked to the point of my borderline losing my grip on reality, and I was such a people pleaser to the point where my whole personality revolved around my friends’ dnd group - Everyone around me was happy or at least appeared so on the surface. My DND group and the other clubs at my community college were strong and thriving. My family welcomed in an orphanage my age as one of their own unofficial “adopted children”. My friend group was large and thriving and full of positive creatives. My favorite YouTubes included three talented animators with awesome ideas for cartoons, amazing fanart of my fandoms, and lovable original characters. It felt like at the time everyone was moving forward and living life’s without me. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m now in therapy, I just moved to a four year college to pursue a career in game design, I’m rediscovering my personality, and I’m slowly but surely reasserting my boundaries. It felt like the more I tried to improve my mental health and the more good things happened to me the worse everyone around me’s situations became. My family had to kick out the surrogate daughter orphan because she was harassing my dad, sister, and I. My old school’s DND club rapidly feel apart and was on life support by the time I left the club discord. My friend group had a huge falling out between many of its members on private discord servers I was never invited to and many of my old friends were outed as creeps. Many of my friends also developed severe physical and mental health conditions and our conversations would devolve into how crappy life was because Trump sucked, their families sucked, and they weren’t healthy. It even feels like as of late my three comfort YouTube animators lives have gotten worse. One has a chronic illness so bad that it’s left them wheelchair bound and at risk of quitting their channel, one is having increasingly worse manic episodes due to their BPD, and one is currently in hot water because they are trying to cancel someone that stalked and harassed them for years by releasing an evidence doc and now the harraser is slandering them and trying to get them cancelled back. It just feels like my happiness is others bad luck and this is karma for being a terrible person all those years ago. I never feel like I deserve any of the good things that happen to be and all the people around me who have bad things happen to them are all talented artists with wonderful personalities who all deserve the game design career I’m going to get and my health way more than me.