My journey healing from OCD/ CPTSD

Recently I’ve felt I have had ocd for longer than I’ve thought because one, I just successfully weened off my lexapro after 5 years of being on it. Before that i remember having repeating thoughts that caused me to dissociate but neither me or my therapist at the time came to that conclusion until now. ( I’ve realized I needed to experience life off meds and heal myself so this isn’t me saying get on meds lol ) healing is possible and I’ll explain in this post. What really made me notice recently is when started dating someone who triggers it. Not because they’re bad. Quite literally the opposite. They have been so good and genuine that I always have a fear that I’m not good enough for this person. Or that I’m too broken. (Them being very attractive doesn’t help either ha) So, I am constantly at war with these thoughts, trying to catch them and block them out. I learned what I need to do but practicing it and accepting him is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because instead of self sabotaging(breaking up with him) I’m challenging myself to accept him. Before I continue, I know It stems from childhood, i was bullied in elementary and constantly compared to other people by my mom in my earliest years. I’ve come so far to heal this part of me and I’ve noticed a huge difference in my behavior towards women (who I feel most intimidated by) but recently with my boyfriend of 3 months; has invited me out to be social and hang out with his friends and their girlfriends. This made my stomach drop. Instantly a huge trigger that I forgot was still there. I know his friends are important to him and that he wants me to be involved with his social life just by how often he talks about us all hanging out. The first hang out I managed to overcome my anxiety and be present and socialize normally, the second time it was like I had to make sure I lived up to that moment and that put even more pressure on myself. And so the thought loops began. The persistent thought/ feeling that causes my anxiety is that i will be judged and not seen up to par if i can’t be present. I have a fear of being perceived in a negative way. So I tried to practice affirmations and work on my self perception until.. a thought came up and sent me into a spiral I was battling with for a month. Eventually after so long and felt like it was winning and taking over my body and mind, that I couldn’t even be present with him- I could it pushing him away. Almost immediately the next time I saw him I managed to snap out of it and focus on him instead of myself. I knew I needed to be present no matter what and if nothing else, that gives us something to work with. The fact he still wants to be with me, supports me and loves me even after being emotionally unavailable for some periods - is mind blowing to me!! I’m in complete awe. Honestly. But that is the part of me that didn’t think I could have nice things. Something I read “your allowed to be loved while you’re broken” While I feel like I’m slowly starting to accept that, i just have these leftover ruminating thoughts that if I can’t be social with his friends like he wishes me to, he might think I’m less worthy and not meant for him. I’ve worked on self help and watched many videos on the internet on manifesting, abundance, self esteem. But it only feels like scratching the surface before all these feelings come flooding back when I’m triggered by the situations again. Like one step forward two steps back. I know working on acceptance would save me so much suffering because just dealing with this causes so much shame. I know it stems from negative programming as a kid, when my parents were too immature to healthily parent me. I was beat with belts, hangers, brushes, and scarred with name calling, comparing to other kids and just endless rage till I was 14 years old. I still don’t know if I’ve healed my wounds but something tells me it will be a life long journey and I’m so ready to heal. So Yes I’ve forgiven my parents as I’ve come to terms that these things teach us lessons, and make us stronger in who we are. Feeling like a victim only prolongs suffering. My goal is to find radical acceptance in who I am, my life as a whole and embrace the good people that come in my life with no ounce of avoidance or fear of rejection. So if having OCD is what came out of my trauma I really want to understand it and keep moving forward. All these are just pieces of a really jagged fucked up puzzle. A song that kind of explains my whole situation is “why do I cry” These are the lyrics I relate to in a nutshell. “Why do I cry? Even when we had such a beautiful evening, I still feel sad… sad that I could only spend one night away with you. “ Like I’ll never be at peace until I accept good things into my life..