rocd is draining life out of me

its been a year since i started stressing about my past mistakes. the urges to confess are still the same. the fear that my boyfriend will leave me is still there. the feeling that im terrible person being is still there. nothing changed only my memory is worse so i dont know whats real anymore. im still thinking about old things and new things that i keep remembering. im so scared that it will never go away or my boyfriend will leave because of everything i did even though hes not mad or sad about most of these things. i have been thinking about the same thing for a couple of days. im sick of it and im scared. it wasnt even an action, i was thinking bad things about him almost two years ago at the beginning of our relationship. i dont know what to do. i have to tell him about these thoughts but i dont want to hurt him or make him sad but if i think it would hurt him, then its something important that have to be said. im scared it will never go away it was supposed to get better but it never gets better.

irish_and_ocd

Date posted: Yesterday

This sounds really really tough to deal with - I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Are you undergoing any treatment or ERP?

varen

Date posted: Yesterday

yes and im taking meds and ive changed them few times. i got diagnosed with ocd six years ago but my rocd episode lasts a year now

irish_and_ocd

Date posted: Yesterday

OCD has a way of tainting our memories too and making us project thoughts or assumptions onto past events and experiences. I'm also not sure what you mean when you say you have to tell your bf about your thoughts. Do you mean your intrusive OCD thoughts? If so, I don't think you do, necessarily. It can be hard for people without OCD to understand it and it might not be beneficial for him to know. You aren't hiding anything by not telling him. This is just a symptom of your condition. You don't owe him an explanation. You don't need to 'confess' your thoughts. Sometimes confession can even be a compulsion

varen

Date posted: Yesterday

these were not intrusive thoughts these were just my own real thoughts

varen

Date posted: Yesterday

i tell him everything i remember from the past, i know i shouldn't but i feel like i need to be 100% sincere

exitmundi

Date posted: Yesterday

@varen Intrusive thoughts can also be “real” thoughts. Real events OCD is very insidious. You can have intrusive thoughts about things that have actually happened, but they’re still just as intrusive as any other intrusive thought — especially if you feel the need to counteract them with compulsions, i.e. confessions. Your past experiences belong to you and you alone. Confession won’t get you anywhere. It won’t solve any problems. You just need to sit with that discomfort and accept that maybe it means something, and maybe it doesn’t. Who knows? Not you, and you don’t NEED to know. It’s so difficult to believe, but also so empowering.

varen

Date posted: Yesterday

@exitmundi i used to check my ex talking stage tik tok repost at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows about it but i just remembered that i used to watch them every day for few months and his girlfriend reposts then i stopped and i was watching it occasionally. i dont know what to do. i feel horrible i feel like i cheated my boyfriend is sleeping now i feel like i have to tell him when he wakes up

varen

Date posted: Yesterday

@exitmundi hes going home today everytime hes gone i feel like everything is meaningless and i stress more

varen

Date posted: Yesterday

@exitmundi it never stops and im texting really chaotic im sorry but im almost having a panick attack

varen

Date posted: Yesterday

@exitmundi im sorry for saying all of this but please tell me what should i do. i love my boyfriend so much the thought of him leaving me is so scary and i feel like i dont deserve him but i love him so much i changed and i try to be better every day i dont do these things i used to do in the past anymore it was almost two years ago

irish_and_ocd

Date posted: 19h

@varen You dont need to confess to him. Confessing your thoughts is another compulsion and enforces the cycle more so try your best not to. It sounds like he is very understanding and loves you and you don't need to confess every thought you have to him, whether it is OCD or not. Try to sit with that discomfort of not confessing. I know it's hard, but you are strong and you can do it. If you are in therapy, try to bring it up to your therapist too.

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