I’ve been struggling with HOCD since I was 12. I don’t know how the theme came on, one day I just had the random thought “imagine if I was gay lol” and I’ve been obsessing over the theme ever since. It’s ruining my love life and I don’t know what to do, I’m so scared that I’m never going to leave this obsession behind. I grew up very religious and had a few religious themes growing up too, which is kinda were the whole gay thing came from. I’ve had crushes on guys since I was a little girl and I still get crushes on guys but my brain always tries to find evidence that I’m lying to myself and that I’m actually attracted to only women. Whenever I see a girl with similar hobbies and interests as me on the Internet, I stalk her social media until I find out if she’s gay or not because my brain keeps telling me that my hobbies and interests are proof that I’m a lesbian. I stalk forums all night to read about other experiences. I’ve never had a high libido, so when I read about girls instantly getting aroused by men without having some sort of emotional connection - it scares me. I’ve only ever found myself attracted to guys that I feel a connection to. Even in fictional scenarios, it’s the personality that always fuels my attraction. I always thought that women are more aesthetically pleasing than men and my brain also uses that as evidence that I’m lying to myself. Sometimes I lie in bed and force myself to question why I’m attracted to men because compared to women, they just seem boring physically. Like I can understand why someone would lust after a woman they don’t know anything about but I don’t understand how someone could lust after a man they don’t know. I know that this is probably just a mix of society generally portraying women as sex objects and just me being more emotionally driven but the idea still scares me. For the record, I’m an atheist now but years of brainwashing still has hell ingrained as a fear. I’ve wonderif I’m bi a lot because I find women very pretty but I can’t really picture myself in a relationship with a one unless she was really masculine. (The idea of being bi doesn’t scare me that much) Women generally all look kinda the same to me, whereas I’m quite picky with guys if we were judging solely on appearance. I’m not looking for reassurance, I just want someone to relate to. :/ The theme generally fades away whenever I’m dating someone that I really like but the moment problems come up, I start doubting my identity again.