Sexuality confusion

I am not sure if this is caused by my ocd. But I am not sure what sexuality I am and well at first everyone would call me a stud saying I’m gay but in reality it’s only because I don’t have a feminine face or a feminine body & I’m flat both front and back. And well at first i identify with being nonbinary then I went as transgender but now i identify with my gender as a biological girl. But I also never dated and you can say I am unattractive I’m ugly which is why I can never see myself in a relationship both romantic and sexual because of my body my face my everything. And I have only been asked out like twice, and from what I know only 3 people have had a crush on me before. And well the first time was my online friend but I rejected and still wanted to be friends, while I was in 5th grade my classmate kept bugging me that my friend liked me I was so disgusting I was so rude to him to the point he stopped liking me, and after three years we began into good friends. Another time was when my trans friend told a girl she liked me and that friend told me I was so confused and well me and that friend was also kinda going distance so I was weirded out but not really. While recently a guy confessed and I rejected I gagged and didn’t sleep the whole night because I was so disgusted. I rejected him pretty harshly and blocked him after. And lowkey full offense those guys were kinda chopped but so am I. And I have only ever loved one guy in my life I can say love or like because I just knew it. While for girls I mean I never had a crush like that before but every time I see a pretty girl I think to myself wow she’s so skinny or wow she’s so pretty and I sometimes feel like I am no better than a man. But I also think about guys like that like wow he’s so fine n stuff. But I can never imagine myself being with someone let alone someone way more attractive than me. I can also never flirt like that it’s so cheesy. But I do read yaoi but no yuri huh. And I’ll just be honest here I also do touch myself to m girls and sometimes both girls that are on the hub so that’s why I’m confused on what I like. I’d also be super scared to give my virginity to a dude like what if they cheat on me which so why if I ever do it will be someone I will marry so that if he does cheat atleast we promised each other idk. I did take a test and I thought I was going to be lesbian but it turns out I was ace sexual but idk I feel like I can be with a pretty girl but not a pretty boy, the guy I liked was pretty skinny and like a twink but wasn’t gay. Not sure I hope someone can help me with these questions.

username0192...

Date posted: 22h

i’ll keep my answer short to let others with more experience on this chime in but I will say that it’s totally okay to not have this all figured out and the complexities you are feeling around love and attraction are all normal. For now I would be less concerned with a label and if you find someone attractive, let yourself enjoy that without analyzing why it is

Christian.

Date posted: 22h

I’m sorry you are struggling with this it sounds like a lot. I personally am struggling with my sexuality also. You are not alone! I hope you have a safe space to talk about this. I found that talking to my therapist about this that I trust helps a lot.

Christian.

Date posted: 21h

And honestly it hurts me to hear how much you are hurting. I can’t say from a woman’s perspective but I also struggle with body image. You don’t have to look a certain way to deserve love. You are human not a ranking! I hope one day you can see yourself as you and love yourself because you are unique 1 of 1. 🫂

jpfowler26

Date posted: 20h

I used to struggle with this to the point where I was ruminating till I was exhausted. Try to leave some uncertainty that you are not sure. Ocd craves us to know 100 percent.

anca

Date posted: 16h

You don't have to know what your sexuality is right now or ever. Which is easier said than done because a brain that wants certainty won't accept that answear but we have to teach it that it's not dangerous to not know. I go through the same thing and I think we are under a lot of pressure because we have this idea that there is a label for everything and that sexuality is easy. It may be for most people but for others it's more complictated. Sometimes I scroll on tiktok and I see someone describing an experience that I also have and they use a certain label and then three videos down I see another person with the same experience who uses a different label and I have no idea what I'm suppossed to label myself. You can be a person who likes who they like, you don't have to put yourself in any box if they don't fit the nuances you're experiencing.

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