Pocd, incest ocd, Real Event Ocd, Ptsd

Hi guys, im turning 18 in a few days and, growing up i was raped and sexually exposed to things and concepts to early so because i had premature uninhibited acess to the internet, I watched some really bad taboo porn, like all of the worst things you can think of and it really effects me, ik i would never do any of these things in real life but my ocd pulls from things that have happened in my life and the fact i masturbated to all that terrible taboo porn as proof, im a sensitive very gentle person whose been alone all his life and neglected and abused by his parents and never had friends. I want to know if any of you guys have any advice for me. I plan to move to nyc next year when i graduate!! (class of 2027) and get a job to pay for my move after my birthday, I currenly have a therapist whose provisionally working on me with the ocd but yeah! Please give me any advice or words you have!

Beachpie

Date posted: 9h

I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with those things all on your own and having to keep it in. I have also had looked at taboo stuff growing up at a young age and while it’s scary to look back on and think about your young and trauma can really impact you. And it’s not your fault! You where given a bad hand and your still young your brain hasn’t fully developed. If it make you feel less alone, I used to look up taboo stuff on YouTube when I was 8 and when YouTube had no censer, when I was in high school I used to look at weird anime stuff if yk yk when I was 19 my manager tried to set me up with a 14 year old and I didn’t know his age at all once I found out I was so weirded out and I still feel so guilty about even finding him attractive and I feel sick every time I think of it. And after I turned 22 I felt my brain shifted and all the stuff I had done came to the for front of my mind. And even now I’m still scared to talk to anyone under 18 because I’m scared I’m a pred but! I will say when someone needs any advice and help I’ll come to give some good old advice. You’re not gross, you’re not nasty, you’re a kid with trauma and ur not alone ocd is a horrible thing and makes us question ourselves.

Facing_my_fe...

Date posted: 9h

@Beachpie Wow thank you for saying this, my pcd just said to me “im the exception/if they knew what i did/watched or encountered or did they wouldn’t be so nice.” But just know I thank you, this is so so so so so incredibly hard and difficult to deal with and ive never had any help, if I weren’t on top of my mental health I wouldn’t even be in therapy because no one pays attention or really likes me/is concerned for me. And then there’s the factor of being unable to talk about it. Ive literally experienced sexual trauma from people younger/older, women/men, and parents and was bullied and suffered with depression. Just my overall life experience has been abysmal but I am still here and trying! It’s been a month! The last time i ever masturbated to anything disturbing was september 3rd 2026! It honestly became a form of self harm for me I feel like, because as I was masturbating id be fighting my ocd while telling myself im disgusting and also saying “I don’t like this” and also forcing myself to do it and it became such a compulsive thing. Its so crazy how damaging mental health can be when left unchecked and unnoticed, I thank you for seeing me!

Eclipse_xx

Date posted: 7h

I'm in exactly the same boat as you, I had unrestricted access to the Internet and watched some really terrible and taboo stuff growing up. I think this is unfortunately an extremely common thing to happen, though I know how lonely it feels and I've felt exactly the same feelings as you. I'm 22 now and it's one of the things my OCD has latched onto. Our brains were not fully developed when we were first exposed to this stuff, we did not have an adult understanding of sex, we did not have a good understanding of what causes harm and what doesn't. Sometimes it takes a long time for us to realize how desensitized we've become to certain things that we started consuming at a very young age, it doesn't make you a terrible person at all. Unrestricted internet access is damaging to anyone, and sometimes ease of access causes us to not question what we're consuming. In the context of trauma too, sexual development and our understanding of sex in general can become extremely skewed at these ages and it takes a lot of years to unpack and unlearn some behaviours. You're still extremely young, this phase of your life does not define you at all – a LOT of people view questionable or taboo porn in their teen years. You're actively trying to change your porn habits and you know you will not act on what you've watched. You deserve to give yourself compassion. I'm glad you're working with a therapist, it seems you've got a lot of good things coming up in life also and I really hope things get easier for you ❤️

Facing_my_fe...

Date posted: 7h

@Eclipse_xx wow this is such a beautiful message it truly melted my heart, thank you so much for the beautiful words of support and reassurance even tho we aren’t suposed to have that we’re human and it feels good. Im so thankfulllll!

Facing_my_fe...

Date posted: 8h

I honestly also feel like im experiencing a lot of false memory ocd that may be exacerbating this feeling im having of being irredeemable.

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