- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah I don’t feel comfortable saying I’m straight but Im going to stop labelling myself just now, because I know it just makes me more anxious, I do not want to be with a guy but I feel like I’m lying and I keep thinking but what if I end up with a guy
- Date posted
- 5y
That is identical to what's going through my head now
- Date posted
- 5y
@LeeDavies07 I hate it
- Date posted
- 5y
I feel like I am closeted
- Date posted
- 5y
Same and just scared of what people will think
- Date posted
- 5y
@JS0406 Same yet I’m telling all my family and friends that I’m afraid I might be G (I hate even saying word gay) so it’s like they don’t seem to care but I do! I don’t want to be G
- Date posted
- 5y
@Dee313 Yeah I haven’t told anyone, it’s hard because all that’s in my autocorrect is the g word
- Date posted
- 5y
@JS0406 You mean you’ve only told telling people here about your HOCD? Not your family or friends?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Dee313 Yeah
- Date posted
- 5y
It’s interesting, I wonder how many people out there have committed suicide who thought they were G but in reality had HOCD?
- Date posted
- 1y
I considered killing myself yesterday.
- Date posted
- 5y
What worked for me was accepting the uncertainty. I’m literally just like “maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not” but I’m just going to go about living my life. Of course it takes practice. Don’t give it to much importance ( I know that’s super hard bc it makes you feel like maybe your living a lie). But honestly MAKING YOURSELF accept that discomfort is how to get through it. In the moment it’s scary, but it is helpful in the long run.
- Date posted
- 1y
How do you deal with it if it makes you anxious around the same sex or even look them in the eye as well as the crippling anxiety when you are to someone who is actually gay.
- Date posted
- 5y
Same like wtf is going on? I feel like I'm gay all the time and it doesn't feel right
- Date posted
- 5y
Nope but then I tell myself Ik straight and then it feels like I’m lying to myself.
- Date posted
- 5y
@advice? Yeah same. I feel like I'm forcing my HOCD, anxiety and my attraction to boys
- Date posted
- 5y
Yes. I have gotten to point where I’ve tried to trick my Brain and just agree with it and say fine I’m bisexual (bc I’ve only had heterosexual relationships and liked them) but even that doesn’t give my brain peace, I think bc as a kid my dad always made fun of Gays so it’s the fear of gay that won’t let me be at peace. It’s like it’s trying to force me to say that’s me. I have been cooped up in my house for month now bc I can’t find peace or happiness will only leave for work and to be with my family
- Date posted
- 5y
I feel clueless at times as well. I am sexually attracted to women but also subtly attracted to men.
- Date posted
- 5y
What do you mean subtly? I'm talking about hocd. Being scared that I'm attracted sexually to women, not actually being sexually attracted to them.
- Date posted
- 5y
@LinaD10 But don’t forget the HOCD could be making him think he is subtly attracted to same sex, ex. Groinal response
- Date posted
- 5y
I understand what you're saying, was just confused by what he meant.
- Date posted
- 5y
@LinaD10 Apologies for the confusion. I wasn't aware of the different strands of OCD at the time and as a checker, I experience intrusive thoughts. When I was sleeping over at a guy friend's house, I started petting his hair in affection, but I am usually attracted to women (heterosexual male). Intrusive thoughts with this friend haven't occured just once, either.
- Date posted
- 5y
@NarrowNoise I mean look, did you pet his hair to be funny or did you pet his hair bc you felt an attraction to him? Either one is fine but hey maybe you had a moment of attraction, doesn’t make you G, but if you enjoyed it and it didn’t cause you anxiety then that’s different story
- Date posted
- 5y
@Dee313 More so because of the attraction. I don't feel anxious about being gay, but it upsets me that this is an intrusive thought, one that I didn't fully consider, like my mind and body is on autopilot and I'm in the passenger seat.
- Date posted
- 5y
@NarrowNoise So like you’re having the opposite feeling you mean? Meaning you enjoyed the attraction and don’t want to think negatively of petting him?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Dee313 I can't say for sure whether I enjoyed it or not, and I don't think negatively of petting him (I'm coming off as neutral). However, I feel even more uncertain with my sexual orientation, and that's what bugs me the most.
- Date posted
- 5y
@NarrowNoise What do I think would give you peace!
- Date posted
- 5y
@Dee313 Sorry, I'm a little confused with your response.
- Date posted
- 5y
@NarrowNoise Sorry meant to say what do u think would give your mind peace?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Dee313 Hmm... Probably being more certain about things and myself.
- Date posted
- 5y
@NarrowNoise They say with OCD you’ll never have 100% certainty but if you don’t feel anxious about being Gay then I wouldn’t say you have HOCD bc that’s the primal fear for people with HOCD
Related posts
- Date posted
- 12w
I really need help understanding what I’m going through. For a long time now, I’ve been struggling with thoughts and feelings about women that confuse and scare me. Sometimes I feel this strange emotional or mental ‘pull’ toward certain women — it’s not exactly sexual, and not clearly romantic either, but it feels like something, and it triggers deep anxiety. When I see a beautiful woman or a WLW (woman-loving-woman) couple, I feel something that I can’t explain — sometimes I think it’s just admiration or aesthetic appreciation, but OCD keeps telling me: “You felt something, so you must be gay,” or “You’re hiding something.” I get stuck in endless loops, trying to analyze these moments and label them. Even when I feel physical or emotional reactions, they don’t feel natural or aligned with who I am. They feel like a reaction to the idea of women, not real attraction. I try to be honest with myself — I even told a friend I might be bisexual at some point, just to test if that felt more comfortable. But it didn’t. It made things worse, and I felt like I lost touch with who I am. I don’t want to lie to myself or live in denial, but I’m exhausted. It feels like I’m being mentally forced to feel something that isn’t mine. I’m 14, and I understand that things might still be developing, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve always been drawn to men, and never naturally wanted women that way. Still, I keep doubting everything. Is this real attraction or OCD feeding false feelings and thoughts? Can OCD create emotional or mental sensations that feel like desire? I’m so scared that I’ll lose myself, or find out something I never wanted. I just want peace and to feel like myself again.
- Date posted
- 11w
MY STORY i’ve grown up in a mostly supportive family and area and we are not homophobic. i grew up knowing what gay people were and i don’t care i grew up not to care. im from nj. my parents are friends with a lesbian couple and we see them once in while. i grew up watching people like joey graceffa whose gay. i also had some school friends that were gay like this kid kevin and this girl elizabeth. i also babysit a little gay boy who likes to dress up as a girl and i always tell him to embrace it and defend him. i wouldn’t care if a friend was gay or anything like i wouldn’t care if my sister was it would just make me rethink things about myself i think. from a young age i liked male attention and had labeled boys as crushes from my mom says. i dont think i liked girls when i was younger and my mom said it was only guys. but idk maybe there was. However i do remeber hairy men when i was younger would gross me out like with black hair and pale. my mom said every since i was a little girl i would tell her i liked boys. as i got older and in middle school i always wanted guys to want me and think i was funny and pretty and i would get awkward around them and nervous around them. but i remeber i didn’t have specific things i found hot or attractive and if someone said something was hot i would just agree and start telling myself it was hot even when i didn’t care i just wanted to be cool. then hocd hit at 13-15 during covid where i was so confused. the first time i had hocd i would like not avoid the thoughts i would do a lot of testing to figure it out for hours and hours in diffrent ways and would feel the same arousal and attraction im feeling now. but i remeber wanting to end up straight and try and rule out gay stuff. but it wasn’t avoidance i didnt have anything against gay people. when the thoughts were still there i still would only act on stuff with boys. when i first had it i remeber crying to my mom for like a month and i was like whatever she’s not helping im gonna figure this out by myself. that’s when i started testing myself for two years. over time it was just there. ofc it was distressing but i don’t remember much. slowly when i went to high school it faded because i loved going to parties and flirting with guys and talking about them and thinking what boy am i gonna kiss tonight it’s gonna be a crazy night. when covid ended and we went back to real like i started going to parties and kissing boys. i started dating one boy and we would talk all the time just not really hangout so we broke up because i wanted more male attention and was kinda bored of the relation shop. i started hu with this one boy and like didn’t really know if i was into it cause i kinda wanted to hoe around and we were kinda like locked in and i didn’t know if i wanted that. so he got the hint i wasn’t into it and stopped talking to me moved on to another girl and got popular in the span of like two weeks. after this i was obsessed with him and got all nervous to see him and i always just wanted to be like can we go back to the way we were. we then started to “hate” eachother and i was so sad all the time he didn’t want me anymore and moved on. we hooked up in and off for two years. then i started hooking up with this one kid cause i always thought he was really funny and chill. we hooked up for a little and then i started to get the ick. i then got with like two other boys at parties. so then we stopped talking and i started talking to the “hate eachother kid” again. we then started dating and he’s my current boyfriend of a little over a year. all these instances made me feel good and i loved the attention and drama. but i struggled with committing with people. i don’t know if this all for validation because i loved when men wanted me it gave me an ego boost and still does even if i didn’t really want them or couldn’t get it to last with a boy. i’m scared it was all for attention and confidence there attention gave me. i liked feeling like a baddie. i liked when the hot funny guys liked me now at 18 it’s back and for six months all i been doing is talking to my mom my sister and my dad about it constantly researching and checking and for those six months i was in a haze of just despair. i was also in erp but it was so bad i couldn’t sit with the distress so i didn’t make much progress and my pyscuatrust told me to stop for a while until we get my brain right with meds. after three weeks no erp and more meds of seretonin and rexulti i finally don’t feel distress or anxious but the feelings of attraction are still there. i thought there supposed to vanish. i’m from nj and from a supportive family and ig supportive environment and friends. i’m 18. and in high school okay so growing up my mo said i only liked guys and would talk about guy crushes and had two celebrity guy crushes. this was all the way up into middle school. then when middle school came around i started liking this guy cause he was funny and popular. then we started dating and everytime he would do something affectionate i would start crying and get so tense and freak out so i broke up with him because he made me so nervous . a year later i still liked him and i got back together with him and the same thing happened so i broke up with him. i think during middle school i liked guys. my mom said i did. i also would get really nervous when any of them would come around to hangout and i wouldn’t talk. but i would also just follow what my friends and sister said. if they said a guy was hot i would just agree. i dont know if i actually found them attractive. i still kinda do this to this day. then covid hit for two years. during those two years i was in my house house and got hocd. so i had hocd sexual intrusive thoughts only and had the groinal really bad. but i would still try and have crushes on guys and think i did. but my hocd also attached itself to one of my pretty friends who was a girl. it made me have a lot of sexual thoughts that i would masturbate to about her. it was about her waist and stuff and it made me loose myself. before hocd me and her were bestfriends and really close and im not sure if i had feelings for her. i mean i was always jealous cause all the guys always wanted her and thought she was pretty. then we got out of covid and i was now in high school. the hocd slowly faded my freshman year. in the begining of freshman year there was this tall brunette guy who i started talking too for months and started dating and i would get all nervous when he came around. i really liked him and enjoyed talking to him. then we broke up cause we never hung out. after that for the next two years i developed what i thought two be two genuine crushes. i would make out with cute guys at parties for the experience and to add cute guys to my kids list. basically hocd was gone but i did this one thing sometimes i did is i would always try to prove i was straight to my mom. like if we were watching tv i would say a guy was hot. i didn’t want her to think i was gay even though she wouldn’t care at all but i would do this because she was the only one i would talk to about my sexual intrusive thoughts and feelings. i was hooking up with my guy best friend but then started to looses interest but he was still obsessed. one day he caught on i wasn’t into it started hanging out with older people and going to there parties and started hooking up with this older girl. i got super jealous and heartbroken cause he didn’t care about me. i don’t know if this heartbreak and crying was because he got popular, he wasn’t giving me attention, we weren’t friends anymore or because i actually liked him. i always had a thing for him after this. i started going to the older people parties and i always wanted to see him there and make him jealous. one and half years later we started talking again and we started dating. once we started dating we started having sex. almost every time or most of the time i finish when he eats me out, we have actual sex or if we’re just humping. we say i love you and stuff. ths first six months we would do everything together like just little shopping trips or whatever. we were always hanging out. then it started to dial down and i started getting annoyed with him sometimes which my mom and sister said was normal. but i still said love you and we would hangout and have sex but idk. i would have thoughts like we aren’t going to last because he’s not smart enough, and sometimes my mom would say this too. but she would also say how much he loved me and how he was such a sweet guy and how he would do anything for me. but idk i just wouldn’t feel it. like i still showed pda and did like him. would a lesbian who didn’t know it yet likely date a guy for a year and a half at 18, have sex like once a week, have orgasmed during penetration, creamed, squirted finished by his hands and mouth then hocd hit again. this time much worse. it was even stronger it felt like with the feelings. the first three months i was in this haze and was crying everyday that i might be gay and how i really really really didn’t want to be. i still have hocd and im in therapy and on medication. i cant tell if my attraction to men is real. my mom says it is and she knows me and im not gay and ive shown genuine excitement about guys. my sister says the same thing. but it feel like ive convinced myself ive been doing it to fit in. the thoughts got bad and ive told my mom my sister my dad and ive told three friends. my mom and sister ive told the details too or the intrusive thoughts and false attraction. i’ve always found women attractive and i find it easier to find them attractive like physically but never felt this way can i conclude im not lesbian? or like is it likely my attraction to men hasn’t been genuine
- Date posted
- 8w
So I’m afraid that I have HOCD, but at the same time that I might also be homosexual. Is that possible? I have all the typical compulsions… checking for attraction, analyzing thoughts, analyzing the past, analyzing emotions, searching the internet. Is it really HOCD? When I see anything related to LGBT, I get strongly triggered. Sometimes I observe how my body reacts around people, but most often I check with ChatGPT to calm myself down, although it doesn’t last long—it depends. I also compare myself to other straight women who look like lesbians, or to lesbians who look like they’re straight. I had a phase where I was analyzing my body… whether I have too much hair, whether I have an Adam’s apple, whether I act like a lesbian without realizing it. I also have the typical intrusive thoughts like “did something from the past actually mean something, or is it a sign?” “am I just lying to myself?” “what if I’m in denial?” “what if I’ve ignored signs my whole life and lied to myself?” “what if I’ll never be able to fall in love with a guy?” “what if there are too many signs and proofs and it’s true?” “what if it’s not HOCD at all?” And much more. But now I’m scared that it’s both—that I have HOCD and that I’m homosexual. I’ve cried multiple times because of this and it’s been going on for 7 months. Some days are better, some are worse. And there’s so much ‘evidence’ that I won’t even list now—over these seven months I’ve found so many things from my past and dreams that I feel like there has to be something to it. I’ve also had around four panic attacks because of this. And I truly believe I have HOCD and that I’m also homosexual, which is killing me and it feels horrible. I just want to be sure that im straight and be at peace. When im doubting and thinking that im a lesbian i feel like im not at peace and i hate it. But u feel like i just need to accept it but i don’t want to and i just want to have a boyfriend, kids but im scared that it’s not possible for me because im lesbian and i actually just think that i want a boyfriend but in reality i don’t. Ughhhh help me.
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