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- 5y
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- 5y
Yeah I don’t feel comfortable saying I’m straight but Im going to stop labelling myself just now, because I know it just makes me more anxious, I do not want to be with a guy but I feel like I’m lying and I keep thinking but what if I end up with a guy
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- 5y
That is identical to what's going through my head now
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- 5y
@LeeDavies07 I hate it
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- 5y
I feel like I am closeted
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- 5y
Same and just scared of what people will think
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- 5y
@JS0406 Same yet I’m telling all my family and friends that I’m afraid I might be G (I hate even saying word gay) so it’s like they don’t seem to care but I do! I don’t want to be G
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- 5y
@Dee313 Yeah I haven’t told anyone, it’s hard because all that’s in my autocorrect is the g word
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- 5y
@JS0406 You mean you’ve only told telling people here about your HOCD? Not your family or friends?
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- 5y
@Dee313 Yeah
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- 5y
It’s interesting, I wonder how many people out there have committed suicide who thought they were G but in reality had HOCD?
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- 1y
I considered killing myself yesterday.
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- 5y
What worked for me was accepting the uncertainty. I’m literally just like “maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not” but I’m just going to go about living my life. Of course it takes practice. Don’t give it to much importance ( I know that’s super hard bc it makes you feel like maybe your living a lie). But honestly MAKING YOURSELF accept that discomfort is how to get through it. In the moment it’s scary, but it is helpful in the long run.
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- 1y
How do you deal with it if it makes you anxious around the same sex or even look them in the eye as well as the crippling anxiety when you are to someone who is actually gay.
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- 5y
Same like wtf is going on? I feel like I'm gay all the time and it doesn't feel right
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- 5y
Nope but then I tell myself Ik straight and then it feels like I’m lying to myself.
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- 5y
@advice? Yeah same. I feel like I'm forcing my HOCD, anxiety and my attraction to boys
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- 5y
Yes. I have gotten to point where I’ve tried to trick my Brain and just agree with it and say fine I’m bisexual (bc I’ve only had heterosexual relationships and liked them) but even that doesn’t give my brain peace, I think bc as a kid my dad always made fun of Gays so it’s the fear of gay that won’t let me be at peace. It’s like it’s trying to force me to say that’s me. I have been cooped up in my house for month now bc I can’t find peace or happiness will only leave for work and to be with my family
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- 5y
I feel clueless at times as well. I am sexually attracted to women but also subtly attracted to men.
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- 5y
What do you mean subtly? I'm talking about hocd. Being scared that I'm attracted sexually to women, not actually being sexually attracted to them.
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- 5y
@LinaD10 But don’t forget the HOCD could be making him think he is subtly attracted to same sex, ex. Groinal response
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- 5y
I understand what you're saying, was just confused by what he meant.
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- 5y
@LinaD10 Apologies for the confusion. I wasn't aware of the different strands of OCD at the time and as a checker, I experience intrusive thoughts. When I was sleeping over at a guy friend's house, I started petting his hair in affection, but I am usually attracted to women (heterosexual male). Intrusive thoughts with this friend haven't occured just once, either.
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- 5y
@NarrowNoise I mean look, did you pet his hair to be funny or did you pet his hair bc you felt an attraction to him? Either one is fine but hey maybe you had a moment of attraction, doesn’t make you G, but if you enjoyed it and it didn’t cause you anxiety then that’s different story
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- 5y
@Dee313 More so because of the attraction. I don't feel anxious about being gay, but it upsets me that this is an intrusive thought, one that I didn't fully consider, like my mind and body is on autopilot and I'm in the passenger seat.
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- 5y
@NarrowNoise So like you’re having the opposite feeling you mean? Meaning you enjoyed the attraction and don’t want to think negatively of petting him?
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- 5y
@Dee313 I can't say for sure whether I enjoyed it or not, and I don't think negatively of petting him (I'm coming off as neutral). However, I feel even more uncertain with my sexual orientation, and that's what bugs me the most.
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- 5y
@NarrowNoise What do I think would give you peace!
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- 5y
@Dee313 Sorry, I'm a little confused with your response.
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- 5y
@NarrowNoise Sorry meant to say what do u think would give your mind peace?
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- 5y
@Dee313 Hmm... Probably being more certain about things and myself.
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- 5y
@NarrowNoise They say with OCD you’ll never have 100% certainty but if you don’t feel anxious about being Gay then I wouldn’t say you have HOCD bc that’s the primal fear for people with HOCD
Related posts
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- 21w
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
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- 15w
Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.
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- 13w
trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.
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