IDK if i have pocd anymore or did

I’m at a point where it feels like im running from who I really am and feel like I am developing an “interest” in acting on the thoughts or like im open to it. I’ve been having these sexual thoughts and images for about 5 months and I have been crying almost everyday, but now it feels like im just hiding/running from it, even as i type this post my mind is saying “ you are just admit it “. And sometimes i’ll have a thought like “youre not a p or attracted but you wanna do something sexual” (not in those words) its really messed up. I have also had thoughts about how I would like it and how it feels and all this other terrible stuff Im not going to say or go into detail about but I think you get the picture, also a thought like “who cares”. I really just want this all to end Idk who I am anymore 5-6 months ago i never had a thought about doing anything like this. Is it supposed to feel this real? or am I in denial? IDK anymore I really just want it all to stop. It feels like Ive lost all my morals/values and im desensitized to these thoughts I still dont like them but IDK what to do anymore. I just wanna sleep all day everyday because my thoughts are so bad, and I hate to even say this but i dont feel confident in saying i wouldnt do this stuff anymore it feels so real. And my mind constantly tells me to just admit it youre lying even rn, but im not lying this has been hell. Im calm rn because I took some medicine last night but i dont like being calm while having these thoughts.

Anonymous

Date posted: 21h

Something that might help to remember is that actual pedophiles don't act or think like this. Even pedophiles that haven't acted on it and know what they are doing is wrong and go to get help don't act or think like this. What you just described is an exact description of the thought process of someone with POCD. I know this because I have literally had the exact same thing that you described happen with me. Of course due to that I also know that what I'm saying probably won't help that much in the moment because you have been so beaten down by your OCD that it will just make you dismiss this by saying something along the lines of "You having all of the symptoms of POCD and your experiences being a 1to1 replica of the experiences of someone that has been diagnosed with POCD by multiple people doesn't matter because you actually are a pedophile." Of course this isn't true but it will feel true because your OCD is a mental illness effectively based around your own brain trying to gaslight you. Like I have literally had multiple moments where my OCD tried to convince me to listen to it by arguing that OCD wasn't a real condition and the entire psychiatric field was just wrong somehow and I was making up having it to avoid facing the truth. So because of that something that can help is treating yourself the same way you would treat someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. Because effectively that is what you are in right now with your OCD.

Swifty11553004

Date posted: 20h

@Anonymous Did you ever get over POCD? do you have any helpful tips? Im going to therapy for OCD now

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

@Swifty11553004 I still struggle with it occasionally but its gotten a lot better. Like, I will still get disturbing intrusive thoughts sometimes but they usually go away after a few minutes at most and I no longer have moments where my OCD has me fully convinced that I'm a pedophile. One thing that helped was just doing exposure therapy with my NOCD therapist. On a personal level though I think that one of the things I've done thats helped me the most was writing down my intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Doing that was actually what helped me realize I had POCD in the first place because I was able to recognize that the intrusive thoughts about pedophilia I was having were happening in the exact same pattern as the intrusive thoughts I would have about religion and climate change. It also helps to just get thoughts out of your head in a private manner or realize that an intrusive thought you were having doesn't actually make any sense what so ever when you put it in words. Another thing thats helped me is reminding myself that OCD is a medical condition and these thoughts aren't my fault. This is very important because OCD frequently uses itself as evidence against you. Like, "Why did you have that intrusive thought you must be a bad person for having it." However, you weren't the one that had the thought it was the OCD. This might sound like you are trying trying to "avoid taking responsibility" or whatever else your OCD tells you but its true. It's not your fault. Like, if you met a person that had tourettes and it caused them to uncontrollably say really bad and distressing things like slurs you wouldn't tell them that it was actually there fault and they were secretly a racist for saying that because you understand that they can't control it. However, people woth OCD don't extend that same grace to themselves when it comes to intrusive thoughts despite it basically being the exact same situation. I've found that remembering that fact has helped me get through some bad OCD moments. Also sorry if this is a bit scrambled or rushed I have therapy in a little bit and wanted ro get this written our before I forgot. Tell me if you want me to explain anything in more detail and I will.

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