anyone else experience porn-related ocd/rocd?

i was exposed to pornography since a really young age, when i was ~4. i feel like this rewired very primitive pathways to seek dopamine from erotic content somewhere deep in my brain, and having adhd and family home stress as a kid, porn was used to cope a lot with boredom and loneliness. later in life i figured out im more demisexual and that i only experience true sexual attraction to someone i deeply love. as i learned more about myself i stopped using porn, as i disagreed a lot with the misogynistic violence and self-destructiveness porn conveys and i still hold it true that i think porn use is not very good for anyone, and that the existence of porn is pretty oppressive not only to women but also the minds of those that watch it. later i met my partner and we shared this philosophy against porn. she also had a very bad experience with porn addiction from previous partners and i was really glad i could create a safe space for eachother together. however later, as some crazy life events transpired, anxious thoughts and feelings developed, causing my rocd today. in part, i slowly started developing obsession with porn themed ocd, where i’d check if i was aroused to it, and the thought that i had looked at porn at all felt like betrayal to my partner and my own body/self/morals. with adhd and old neural pathways in the mix, it gets out of hand sometimes and i feel awful. does anyone else experience anything similar?

AutumnCandle

Date posted: 15h

Omg yes I have. I was also exposed to porn at a young age. For me I really dislike porn on a moral level. But I usually would use porn as a complusion for sexual orientation OCD for years also just for occasional self pleasure. But I have a very terrible relationship to it. Anytime I watch porn, I would experience INTENSE guilt about it. I would always feel like I’ve done something terrible or illegal… when I haven’t. Porn use, for me, is very tied with moral OCD. I can see why and how porn related themes are sooo intense. I think also bc it’s so taboo to speak about, it can make it feel really isolating to deal with. For me what I’ve done is just stopped watching it. Not out of avoidance but because it just doesn’t fit with my values at all and made me feel bad about myself. You’re not alone

Magical8091

Date posted: 14h

@AutumnCandle gosh its so relieving to know i’m not alone in this. i too morally disagree with porn a lot (no guilt or shame to those that use porn! i just personally dont like it). in the past, stopping porn use was really easy. but now that i’m in a relationship, especially one with agreement on porn morality, i get really anxious about it. like, sometimes i’ll be watching a movie with my partner off a sketchy site and a porn popup will show and we’ll both be very disgusted, but then i get obsessed over if i was secretly aroused or if i secretly enjoyed it and then the compulsions begin. erp has been useful but adhd impulsivity lowers the barrier of entry and thats been rough for me :( but gosh am i so happy to hear you’ve recovered well!!! thank you so much for your message

moccalate

Date posted: 1h

@Magical8091 ur thoughts are ego-dystonic that’s why they bother you so much. always remember that word!

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