Real Event and Age Gaps

18+ TW/ Mentions of Sexual Stuff and Age Gaps I've decided to compile my real events into one big post, maybe I'm doing this as a compulsion or maybe I want advice. I don't really know to be honest, but it might make me feel better. Anyway, I've been dealing with this for a while, my real event OCD really likes to cling to age gaps from when I was a minor. There's only really 2 things it can cling to but they really distress me now. The first event isnt as distressing to me but occasionally it can be. Years ago someone added me over Snapchat and they were 3 years younger than me. We spoke for like 5 minutes and I even sent a picture of myself to them, nothing bad just a picture I took a couple months prior. Afterwards I actually thought about the difference in age and immediately blocked them. Nothing bad was said but I still feel guilty about it as I should have realised the difference in age was weird sooner. I also don't think they were real as the way they spoke felt like a snapchat bot but I can't be fully sure. Then the second event was an event I've spoken about before in previous posts. I used to role-play with older men online in a sexual way. I don't know why, I didn't really get much enjoyment from it. I think I did it to feel better about myself but I always ended up feeling worse after. Then one time someone who was 2 years younger than me messaged me. I can't remember how we met but we agreed to role-play. Initially, I didn't think a 2 year age gap was bad so I agreed. I think I even thought something along the lines of "finally someone who is around my age". From what I remember we didn't speak too long as I had second thoughts and made us stop. I think we did start and stuff was said but ultimately we didn't get very far in. I don't know how I didn't see it as wrong then, I do think I stopped because of the age gap but it's so long ago I can't remember any details. Theres a chance we didn't even start, there's a chance we stopped way sooner than I remember, but the memory is so fuzzy that I can't be sure. I'm an adult now and I think about these real events constantly every day. I don't know if I deserve treatment or if I deserve forgiveness, I just really don't know. My family knows and for some bizarre reason they still support me and tell me I didn't do anything wrong. How can they say that? I feel like a monster. I should have known better and I just wish I never had Internet access. I quit role-playing pretty much immediately after the second event and I haven't had any real events like this since. I've seen people on this app talk about events similar to these and I can feel sympathy for them, after all we were kids and didn't know any better. But I just can't think in the same way for myself. I hope I never hurt these people. That's the only thing I care about at this point. Anyway, sorry for the long vent and thank you for reading all this. I'm going to continue to try and be a good person, even if I potentially don't deserve the ability to be one. I hope you all have a good day 🫶

Martin V

Date posted: 21h

The way I see it, this could be a compulsion if you're seeking reassurance on whether you weren't or were a monster. That said, I too have done really regrettable things when I was younger, that I wish I never did but I can't really erase now... And the ERP principle is to say to oneself for example.. Maybe I was a monster, maybe not. You will not get 100% certainty about your past and the most you can do is try to focus on what you do right now.. Even if its 70% feeling that anxiety and 30% being there in the moment, both can exist.

NamedUser

Date posted: 21h

First of all thank you for replying. I just wish I could know if I was. I can't ever seem to find a clear answer. Some people say not to worry about it while some people online say it's unforgivable. I know I want to try and live with the uncertainty but I'm sure you as know it's a lot harder than it sounds. Regardless thank you, I'll take your advice to heart

ilovecats :)

Date posted: 21h

one thing i've noticed with ocd or at least my ocd is it likes to cling onto sexual things i have done and it makes me feel like i'm the exception. whether it was role play or me looking at something online which are both normal things, so why do i feel like such a bad person doing it or having done it in the past? and that i unfortunately don't have an answer to. and like you i feel sympathy for you but feel none for myself, ocd is funny that way. we can hear a very similar situation and feel immense sympathy but then when we look inward at ourselves we are very harsh. just remember we are our biggest critics, okay? take a deep breath and remember you are not alone on this. i know this is easier said than done but please try not to be so harsh on yourself. i hope you have a wonderful day! :)

NamedUser

Date posted: 21h

My OCD does the exact same thing! Its genuinely so debilitating because it's not like we do sexual things in the hope of hurting people but OCD is great at twisting it. Im sorry to hear your going through a similar thing, but like you said I wish nothing but the best for you and yet can't feel the same way for myself. OCD is definitely cruel in that way lol! But genuinely thank you for replying, I definitely feel alone in this some days and it's nice to know that actually I might not be. Of course, it's sad that any of us are going through this but hopefully one day we'll be free of it. I hope you also have a great day, you've definitely helped with mine!

ilovecats :)

Date posted: 20h

@NamedUser it is extremely debilitating. for me i have avoided people because i feel unworthy, especially when making friends. i can literally count the amount of people i talk to on a regular basis on one hand. it's exhausting too, i wouldn't wish ocd on my worst enemy. it almost feels like you're serving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit, if that makes sense. everyone explores sexually and ocd likes to make you feel like that's wrong but it's really not. you are 100% NOT alone. ocd is silent and most people are ashamed to talk about it. my biggest tip is to avoid social media when you're having what i call a spiral (when ocd is really bad). i'm so glad i could make your day better! :)

NamedUser

Date posted: 20h

@ilovecats :) I am sorry to hear that it affects your life that way. I can relate though, I worry that my current friends would hate me if they knew, they know some stuff but not the specifics. I'll definitely take your advice, I always end up googling stuff and I'll see tonnes of different views on the same thing and it makes me question what's okay and whats not. I honestly think that's what happened all those years ago too, as for ages I saw things that said it was okay. So yeah, I think social media has definitely fucked me up lol! But again, thank you so much 🫶

ilovecats :)

Date posted: 20h

@NamedUser same! the way i see it is you can't please everyone, even outside of ocd. you may wear a shirt that's super bright and one person may love it while someone else would hate it. social media and other places like reddit are not good places for people with ocd, i unfortunately learned that the hard way. i won't keep yapping because i don't want to bother you so don't feel obligated to reply to this comment but just know you aren't alone, you are worthy of good thing and you are worthy of a wonderful life. i am sending you virtual hugs and wishing you the absolute best! :)

NamedUser

Date posted: 19h

@ilovecats :) Yeah no I completely agree with that! Like I know people would hate me because I'm Bi so I can accept that for the most part at least. But yeah no you're definitely right. Its honestly no problem do not worry at all! Its been really nice to know I'm not alone in this, and it's also just been really nice to talk to someone about this! So please know you haven't bothered me! I also hope that you know you're deserving of a wonderful life as well! The fact you care about other people says a lot about who you are, so never let OCD make you forget that. We can get through this 🫶

Martin V

Date posted: 21h

It is of course way harder in practice. And ur welcome! It takes a titanical amount of willpower so, congrats to you! You're trying and thats a lot of mental work. People online will always say all kinds of polarizing things and always seems to lack nuance, and what they say hits you hard precisely because something that matters to you the most from what I see is to be a good person. This is why social media hurts the ocd brain, as it treats everything with absolutes, black and whites and nothing in between. (edit: im unsure if i replied to your reply or just made another comment.. Whoops)

NamedUser

Date posted: 21h

Genuinely thank you! I don't fully disagree with obviously calling people our for problematic behaviour but it definitely does come off as a very black and white way of thinking sometimes, especially for very minor things. I do want to try and stay away from social media for a while but obviously today that's very difficult lol! I just hope I haven't traumatised anyone. (Also don't worry, I still saw your reply lol)

edamame

Date posted: 12h

i'm sorry to hear you're worrying about these things, i feel like it's really easy to become consumed by a real past event especially with sexual things, as everything about humans is so messy and confusing and then ocd is like 'this means you're definitely terrible'. even as writing this i just had the thought 'what if i'm just pretending its ocd and justifying even worse things in my past!'. so just know you're not alone, i really hope you're doing ok!

NamedUser

Date posted: 10h

Thank you, it's definitely easy to become consumed by sexual real events, and of course OCD reasons it as "well you deserve to be punished". Its so hard living like this, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Im sorry to hear that you're having those thoughts, I can't even remember how many times I've had them. I would never want to use this debilitating disorder to falsely justify bad behaviour, as that just isn't fair to those who do suffer from it. Of course the fact you worry about that is usually a tell-tale sign that it is OCD. But again, thank you so much! Its really nice to know that I'm not alone in this, and I sincerely hope that you know that too! I hope you're doing ok as well!

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