WARNING: POCD I need to know your thoughts... I'm panicking and feeling horrible This is probably one of the first events that made me wonder if I was a "p". (I'm female, 20s) Two years ago, in the summer, I went to a friend's house and I met her younger sister (8, at the time). She was very sweet and adorable and I liked her so much! She showed me her toys and she was always around me... I feared I was feeling some sort of attraction to her... And now that I am recalling the event, I'm getting so afraid that this attraction was, in fact, real. I'm on the verge of tears right now ... Because it was so strong... Believe me, this felt like attraction. I'm thinking about her as I'm writing this and I'm remembering the warm feeling I experienced (like I was developing a crush) - I just want to cry because I don't want to be a "p". I spent the whole day in panic and wondering If I was "p" and if I was attracted to her. I tried to dismiss the thoughts and enjoy the day. I've always wanted a little sister and one day (at that time), I wanted to have a daughter someday. I've played with her and talked with her. Later that day, we went to the pool and I played with her again and even gave her piggyback rides (which now, I know it was a mistake - because I am getting flawed (false) memories that I touched her butt but I'm almost sure that I only touched her legs when giving the piggyback rides but I'm afraid that I touched her butt on purpose too to be deviant! I feel like I would be capable of doing such a awful thing). I remember enjoying her company and wanting to be more time with her... But now I'm so scared that I had bad intentions, because "p" people want to be around children. I feel like there was more than "having a child/sister for a day" because of my strong feelings for this girl. I regreted this whole dayAnd when I went back to her house, I avoided the child at all costs. What do I do?? I feel so hopeless... I am crying like crazy, not knowing what to do. I feel like a "p". I am so scared that I was attracted to her and now I have this new false memory that scares me... Please help me... I'm in despair..This particular story weights on me. I'm reviewing it over and over (taking the false memory off) and I don't think I did anything wrong BUT I cant help but to feel uncertain about it... Even if I didnt do anything wrong, I still feel bad for not avoiding it. I felt like a "p" the whole day... I had these intrusive thoughts the whole day... Yet, I wanted to be near the child and play with her?? I was trying to dismiss my thoughts - I tried to fight them! but I can't help to feel that what I did was predatory! Or wrong! I have been crying so much about this subject... I have high morals... And everytime an adult plays with a child is usually a "p" or a predator... I am so afraid that my "desire" to be with this child was an indicator that I'm a p or a bad person in general. Please... I want to know your opinions (I also have another question. I also felt "dirty" all day. Are all of these symptoms normal in ocd? Do people with ocd can like being with children? Are even these questions making sense?) I can't help to reinforce this! I felt terrible afterwards - I regret it so much... I felt dirty during that event, after that event and even today! This was my first time (or one of the first times) dealing with with pocd... I thought it was my brain trying to get me... So I tried to fight it! But... I feel like shit for not avoiding her... I'm so afraid I actually felt attraction for her because it was so strong the affection I experienced for her... I feel like a p... I'm so done...

Ree9

Date posted: 5y

You're definitely not a P! Do you have a therapist or a doctor you can talk to about this to help you challenge the thoughts?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I just restarted therapy... (I had to change therapists because of money) but they aren't ocd specialists (I don't have one in my country)... I'm so afraid that what I felt was attraction! I want to cry... I don't know how to distinguish between the false and real one...

Reptarrox

Date posted: 5y

Hey, your not alone. I felt the same way when the thoughts came around. And I mean exactly the same. Everything your saying I and alot of these people have bben through. Your in no way alone. I agree with Ree9 and I think you should talk to someone (a therapist) just to help with getting it off your chest and finding ways of being reasonable with yourself. Your not a "P". And all your worry and shame over this proves you have good intentions. I can tell you I thought it would never go, but it gets better and the right help for you is there to take advantage of. It's all a process. Head up. You got this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Now I'm worried because, since I played with her and actually touched her (while giving piggyback rides), that I gave in to my "attraction" and performed predatory acts... Instead, I should had avoided her

Reptarrox

Date posted: 5y

The false memories are such an annoyance. It's sounds like it will never happen. But you have to try to let it go. The fact that you can't remember and are creating these scenarios is ocd. Your worrying about somthing you may or may not have done, and if you actually did it I'm pretty sure you would remember it clearly. But you don't remember what went through your head. I've had that exact problem too. It's tough but I had to let things go cuz I was losing sleep, not eating, over somthing that I know I didn't do but I couldn't trust myself because my own head told me I could've done somthing else. And it went through alot of phases. All for knowing I'm a good person and never did anything. Your a good person with good intentions. Your mind just messes with that very fact. If it was a thought of. What if I accidentally stepped on this little girl's foot. You know she's fine so you can forget it easily. But because you know it's wrong to do what you think you mightve done the thought will catch your attention and make you feel shame and wonder if your capable of all this

Reptarrox

Date posted: 5y

@thoughtstroubledmind @thoughtstroubledmind We all always assume the worst it's a process. I'm here for you so is everyone on this app. We all want to see you get better and take this mental thing down. Please see a therapist. Suicide is never an option. There is so much help out there for you. Even on this app if you feel the need hit the SOS or call a ocd line. I was in your very spot. You can do this. Your stronger than you think. As I have proved to myself. I'm here to talk. You got this

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Reptarrox Thank you so much...

Reptarrox

Date posted: 5y

@thoughtstroubledmind Please reach out if you ever feel like this. There is help for you and you can a will beat this

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Reptarrox I will. Thank you.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 5y

Dear writer, please see the email from NOCD resulting from any self harm or suicidal message. Please know NOCD understands the pain you are in, the email has referrals and important, helpful information. Please reach out to your support persons, dial 911 or go to the nearest emergency room if you feel suicidal or near any type of self harm. NOCD cares about your safety.

BelieveInYou...

Date posted: 5y

OCD has mainly two weapons- doubt and guilt. The guilt you're facing is in itself a doubt. I know you can't just remove it. Know that whatever you choose to do isn't always right or wrong. You had this thing in your mind when you didn't avoid her. When you're unsure what is right or wrong, don't listen to you feelings because they themselves are stuck in this cycle. Use logic to help you out. Example:- I don't have any proof that I touched her badly. I didn't avoid her that doesn't mean I like her. I liked her but that doesn't mean as a "p", it was just feelings of kindness and cuteness.

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