I’m 44 and suffered from OCD all my life that I can remember. I have intrusive thoughts almost all the time. These range from killing myself in many ways to killing others in many ways. It’s hard when talking to people as I see myself harming them or something happening to them all the time and sometimes I get distracted within then thoughts. I feel alone as I don’t think others understand and I do tend to not tell many about this side of my OCD. (Although i still have many people thinking it’s all about cleaning and washing my hands thanks to the media picking this type of OCD to use witch is about 10% of OCD sufferers have) I sink deep into my mind and often can feel myself slipping away as the voice in the back of my mind tells me to harm myself or worse. I’m not sure why I’m writing this I’ve tried seeking help and just been told that they are not equipped to handle my form of OCD and moved me on to another waiting list for another department or place to go to. I have started a YouTube channel in the hope of others getting involved and maybe telling people how they suffer and it’s not just all about the cleaning side of things. Not sure if this makes any sense as my OCD voice restricts me from saying many things I want to as well as doing things I want to. Thanks for reading if you managed to get this far.

People do recover from OCD. Keep it up and always have hope, even in bad days. I recommend OCD Stories on podcast.

It is difficult to find a therapist that specializes in OCD and really understands the disorder, but they are out there. I found my therapist through the IOCDF website.

What is UCLA? Is it university of California, Los Angeles?

The ocd suffer never kills themself because your repetitive unwanted thought tells you to. OCD suffers kill themselves either due to depression or impulsivity...I had these thoughts too! I went to UCLA’s OCD Program, 5 days a week for 6 weeks, in 2011. They helped me overcome the thoughts of wanting to kill myself. They use Exposure Response Prevention Therapy in treating OCD. It is tough therapy. If u want to get better, you have to confront your fears/thoughts/obsessions. U might need to start some medication to bring down your anxiety before starting exposure therapy. Make a list of your obsessions/fears...then rate each one from 1-10; 1 being mild anxiety; 10 being the worst anxiety you can imagine. Once you’ve done that. One must do exposures starting at low anxiety provoking obsessions. Once you expose yourself enough times to your fear. The anxiety will drop. You should feel much better after doing exposures.

I had ocd all my life too but didn’t know about it. The ocd started inferring in my life in my 20’s. Where I was hospitalized many time’s. Where I was told I had ocd.

@firebird it took only six weeks for you to overcome that thought? Wow, that’s really inspiring. Do you have other stuff on HOCD to share? Can you elaborate a little more?

@mvp - Yes, it’ll ramp up your anxiety. =/ The more you exposure yourself to your Fears without doing any compulsions, your anxiety should diminish. =D They say FEAR stands for: False Evidence Appearing Real.

UCLA is the University of California Los Angeles.

I wish I could say this is all helpful but it’s not. I keep getting told my OCD is to to bad for each department or place to deal with. After 4 places telling me this I’m now on a 3month waiting list for another place. I have so many simptons. I have also tried a few things above and things went wrong so it just unforced my OCD. I just feel like giving up but can’t but I think I may as well give up on getting help.

@stacy I was hospitalized 10 years ago and it was a horrible experience. Nobody even suggested that it was OCD and I was having constant anxiety and panic attacks fueled by the same obsessive thought over and over again. It is only this year that a doctor really listened and had me take the YCBOS test, and sure enough my symptoms were in the severe category. I feel like OCD is so misunderstood.

@firebird did the ERP therapy ramp up your anxiety even more in the beginning? I had my first session last week and feel like my thoughts are louder than ever right now.

@Kainen.. Don’t give up man

@Serena Yes. I did relapse though. 2 weeks after the program. However, after changing to 300mg of Anafranil from 40mg Lexapro/5mg Abilify + taking a break from college, I was able to completely let go of my Obsessive Suicidal thoughts. =D Is HOCD an abbreviation for Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? If so, I don’t have HOCD.

@firebird By HOCD, I mean harm OCD.

I was prescribed Abilify and Zoloft. I was really reluctant to take Abilify cuz I googled it and it says Abilify is used to treat schizophrenia.

@firebird Thank you but I am not in the U.S. I always envy you guys cuz mental health issues are better understood in U.S. Anyway, thanks a lot for the reply.

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The IOCDF has a section where you can find therapists, support groups, and organizations in specific areas: https://iocdf.org/find-help/