I feel like I’m completely going freaking psychotic. This is taking away my faith, which I thought was pretty strong. It tells me to not bother praying because God isn’t helping. It’s telling me that I am the worst person, worthy of death. That I deserve every bad thing that comes to me. And I believe that. I hate that I’m having these thoughts in my own mind. I hate that I feel this out of control. The medication isn’t helping. My head is always spinning. Nothing is helping because nothing lasts with this stupid disease. The good days don’t last. The efforts to work don’t last. I’m losing my mind and going insane. I don’t have access to a therapist. I don’t have resources here. I’m so irritated and scared that I could just give up. I literally don’t even know what to do with myself right now. I feel crazy and hopeless. I feel like I should turn myself in. And I mean every last word I’ve said. There’s no exaggeration.

First off, one of the major differences between intrusive thoughts about psychosis and actually being psychotic is that someone who is psychotic doesn’t think they are. I don’t think you’re going crazy. This really sounds like your OCD is currently in command of your thoughts. When you understand that, you can deal with the underlying issues a lot better. Nobody deserves to die. Did you break a law? If not, don’t turn yourself in. You can’t be penalized for having thoughts. It’s when you act on them that you could get in trouble.

I’ve been pretty close to the edge with my ocd before. I’ve definitely had moments where my obsessions felt close to delusions. God loves you. You were made in His image and likeness. He loves each and every one of us deeply and intimately and there is nothing that can separate us from that love. I have scrupulousity so I need to remind myself of that a lot too. If you ever feel like you need it, there’s no shame in using a crisis hotline. I know in the US I’ve used the text line 741741 but I’ve also called the national suicide hotline a few times. Not always even when I felt like I was about to kill my self but sometimes just cuz I was tired of being alone. They helped. I

Breathe. Everything will be okay. My mom says everything happens for a reason so we can become wiser. You can beat this. You just have to be strong. I feel your pain and I just started medication yesterday

I’m so new to actually healing in this and so I don’t have the most insight but you are loved and valuable. I’ve 1000% felt this way in such despair. I’ve questioned Gods goodness so many times in this battle. But it can get better. God is good. I am praying for you!