I feel like I’m completely going freaking psychotic. This is taking away my faith, which I thought was pretty strong. It tells me to not bother praying because God isn’t helping. It’s telling me that I am the worst person, worthy of death. That I deserve every bad thing that comes to me. And I believe that. I hate that I’m having these thoughts in my own mind. I hate that I feel this out of control. The medication isn’t helping. My head is always spinning. Nothing is helping because nothing lasts with this stupid disease. The good days don’t last. The efforts to work don’t last. I’m losing my mind and going insane. I don’t have access to a therapist. I don’t have resources here. I’m so irritated and scared that I could just give up. I literally don’t even know what to do with myself right now. I feel crazy and hopeless. I feel like I should turn myself in. And I mean every last word I’ve said. There’s no exaggeration.

I’m super aware of intrusive thoughts and they don’t go away and I don’t know how to make them go away or how to deal with them. And last night I had an urge and was almost going to act on one and that terrified me. I came home and the same thought arhat scared me was still in my mind and it scares me. I’m scared I’m going to lose control and become a bad person because I just don’t know what to do about the thoughts and how I’m capable of these things. I even contemplated about admitting myself to a mental hospital to get help because it’s getting bad and I don’t know how to control it. But I’m scared of doing that because what if I just end up staying in there for the rest of my life. What should I do I’m really scared and worried I may never get better and this is it for me.

Sorry this is long I don’t know where to begin but, at the beginning of the year I went through something that was hard. And I was so mad at God bc I was so hurt and I felt like I was in so much pain and I was so alone. And I remember I had some bad thoughts. I don’t remember these thoughts exactly but lietrally months later I was sitting down all normal and dealing with other forms of OCD that were so painful, but less painful than this. Anyways so then since then I have been stressing that I might have acted of these thoughts. I don’t have a memory but my brain keeps telling me I did that. Anyways I have been having intrusive thoughts since and it hurts so much. It hurts so bad and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I keep having these thoughts and it makes me stress so much and want to throw up. It makes me hurt myself. I have bruises all over my body and I’m just so done with this. And sometimes my brain will bring these memories of these intrusive thoughts into my mind or say my trigger thoughts and it makes me hurt so much. And then I start to go over these thoughts bc I feel so bad and I don’t want to have them. Sometimes when I am stressing about theee things they pass by and it makes me panic so bad. I was lietrally just eating and I was punching my hand so hard while thinking about all the thoughts I have had and the things my OCD had made me believe I did, and while I was doing that a thought came to my mind about what my OCD keeps telling me I did and I panicked so hard. I had to eat so fast just so I can lock myself up in my room. I didnt want to have the thought. I think I was just lost in listening to my OCD and then I started talking to myself about what I think I did and when I had the thought I was punching my self so hard that I didn’t even have time to shake it off straight away. I have this conclusion where whenever I have a bad thought I write it down bc my brain tells me that I’m a bad person and I should forget about these thoughts so I grabbed my phone as soon as the panic set in. Sometimes I question whether I had those thoughts intentionally or if i forget them and then I remember the wrong thing and it makes me feel even worse. My brain tells me that if I don’t panic staright away and hurt myself then it means that I mean the thought. I’m in so much pain. I’m really don’t want to think about it but it happens and it feel so real and that it comes from me and that I did something bad. I know this makes no sense but I don’t want to be like this. I go to bed most nights hoping I never wake up. I really don’t mean theee thoughts, sometimes they come when u I’m justify thinking about all the bad things my OCD has made me believe I did and then I panic over remberinf these things. What if im thinking this on purpose? What if the thought I had is so much worse? What if God will never forgive me? I don’t want to live anymore I hate my life and im never going to get out of this. I was just trying to have a normal dinner but my mind never stops. Whether it’s me imaegnitn things or thinking about my thoughts and going over them, I feel so guilty. I can’t even get any help bc I can’t afford it. No one knows I go through this. Ok all alone. Im all alone .

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture