Becca262
- Date posted
- 5y ago
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Pure O here! I consider it the tenth circle of hell. This app is a place where we can all feebly tell each other "way to go" while our pure O throws shame-bricks and doubt-rocks at our heads. I didn't know I had it until this year when I saw a Chrissy Hodges video but I've had it at least since I was 9 and am 26 now. My pure O tends to focus on things I did wrong or might have done wrong or things which could have hurt others and tell me I'm going to be publicly shamed, misunderstood, kicked out of school, sent to jail or, occasionally, killed. There's a lot of responsibility and real event OCD in there, so I worry about whether something I did or didn't do which caused or is going to cause bad things to happen for other people. If I can take even a snippet of responsibility, I'll take the whole responsibility cake thanks. For coping I do meditation/emotional processing in the face of triggers using a book called Letting Go by David R Hawkins whenever I feel up to it. Uncomfortable but worth it. It helps me to do less avoidance. I've only just started OCD-trauma therapy so EMDR and ERP including scripting are on the horizon. The gold standard on this app is embracing uncertainty. The only real rule is to try not to give or ask for reassurance about the thoughts as part of seeking an answer to them, as we know it only gives OCD-doubt more fuel. Everyone here is pretty accepting of taboo OCDs, I've never seen any shaming for any themes yet, so don't be afraid to be explicit. We all have checking habits which make us ashamed and embarrassed etc. It's late so I've got to get back to trying to figure out whether coronavirus can live on ice cream and then throwing out the ice cream just in case someone else eats it and then worrying whether I really threw it out or just thought I did.
JonasJonas
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Great post. It really resonated with me. “Worrying whether I really threw it out or just thought I did”. Story of my life! Have to check everything.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Oh, I also try to make a habit of telling myself that even if all my fears came true, I could still handle it. There's a decent audiobook called "feel the fear and do it anyway". Stoicism and Buddhism also help with that, my favourites are Siddhartha and Pliny the Younger's letters to Lucius. "Is this the condition I so feared?"
Ben84Ben84
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Welcome ☺
Becca262Becca262
- Date posted
- 5y ago
LouW thank you! You're insight really helped. I find that the root of all my thoughts often center around guilt and generalized negative feelings about myself. Then those feelings get redirected as intrusive thoughts that further confirm those feelings. Its hard because I find myself often asking "Why?", why do I feel so bad/guilty/horrible about myself all the time but I guess that's a pretty common theme among people with pure O. I know the best thing is to not seek answers even when I feel like I desperately need them. I am going to look into the Letting Go book, and the audio book! Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts here :)
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Oh yes, that's exactly it. And when you don't have an answer for where that guilt is coming from it's so easy to believe whatever thought or suggestion your brain gives that could be a semi-plausible reason to feel guilty. I've realised I sometimes even actively seek out judgement so that I can associate the guilt with something more concrete instead of it feeling like just who I am. Like wanting to say I've done things I haven't all the time, or when a friend wants to do or say something risky, I say that if it goes badly tell them it was my idea etc. But I think I am so susceptible to guilt themes in OCD because I had a pretty crap childhood in many ways which left me with 'toxic shame' from PTSD and also made me act out as a teenager out of selfishness or mistrust in ways I regret. So that's gonna be real fun in therapy. Your feelings are definitely normal for pure O and absolutely not about you, doesn't matter how imperfect you are or what you've screwed up. Self-compassion work has helped me a lot with overcoming guilt feelings by accepting myself as just as flawed as everyone else, but I've never really worked on the other side of the feelings which is about whether my guilt levels I work so hard to overcome are actually at all appropriate in the first place. There lies the OCD. Definitely check them out, the book especially and lmk what you think! It's been a life saver for me.
Becca262Becca262
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Wow that is a lot to handle, and it sounds like you have really worked hard to recognize everything contributing to your feelings and thoughts, and that you're working hard to overcome them regardless of your previous life experiences that generated it. That is something to be really proud of, and I hope I can achieve that as well. I'm not sure why I have generated such negative feelings about myself. I cant pick out anything in particular about my life that lead me to feel the way I do. Sometimes that in and of itself makes me feel bad, because there are people who actually have traumatic or other life experiences which generates their feelings and OCD, while here I am with no reason at all but still feeling this way.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Haha it is a lot to handle, I've got so many diagnoses at this point that I probably have 20 capital letters after my name and none of them are lovely academic/professional ones. There is a general theory that OCD stems from trauma though- doesn't have to be a major event or an awful childhood, just something that made you feel like you didn't have control or just weren't a good person which you didn't have the tools to make sense of at the time. Those things can come up in therapy or even in meditation I've found. Even if there isn't anything like that though, you're still suffering the same way. OCD is really awful and whilst I'd prefer to have no traumas to attribute it to, purely because I feel that it gives the OCD a basis in reality which is difficult to overcome and impacts my levels of fear and anxiety about the future, I don't think it's reasonable for you to feel shitty about not having things quite as bad. Heck, not HAVING anything to link it to which you can work through probably makes it all feel much more random and unknown and makes it hard to know where to even begin. Maybe I get a layer of trauma and you get a layer of existential uncertainty and not >knowing for sure< if there is some forgotten reason. Anyway it's not your job to suffer and you deserve the same amount of support and understanding. You can definitely make a lot of progress overcoming mental illness and pain, I've found that ultimately all it takes is the willingness to be flexible about literally everything- the validity of my thoughts and feelings, the helpfulness of my habits, whether some things are important or not or have to mean the things I have believed they mean, etc. The willingness to change your mind, really. New ways of thinking which feel unsafe and uncertain and quite literally change your brain and personality. It's a wild ride.
purewaterpurewater
- Date posted
- 5y ago
?♂️
Becca262Becca262
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Thank you, that is the first time I've ever really talked to anyone else who feels the same way I do. And for you to take so much time and detail to talk things out with me, it really means more than I could say. Especially about being flexible, and developing new ways of thinking.
Becca262Becca262
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I was hoping people could share a little bit about what works best for them in terms of coping with/releasing thoughts?
Sheehan 55Sheehan 55
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Welcome I have ocd very bad and it’s really hard for me to get through each day I must avoid 6 and number twos and I also can’t keep movies in very long in DVD player I’m the only one out of my sisters that has this my mother had it as well as my grandma ? anyway if u ever feel like to chat just drop me a line God bless
Related posts
Dennasw
- Date posted
- 19w ago
My first day
Hi I kept seeing this app on repeat on TikTok over and over and I thought I give it a shot. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I know that I have it. I’m a young adult and I found out the first time I had OCD was watching lelelons truth video? I was 14 at the time She had to resist sitting back down in a chair after her having sat down she started having a mental break down when she was told to resist. That’s when I knew. It started with myself going up and down a staircase twice buckling unbuckling my seat belt everytime I’m in the car ect I have always been super anti social but trying my best I can socialize but my mind wants to make it sexual with family and friends ughhhh I hate it because that’s not me when I graduated thoughts of hurting my loved ones corrupted my mind I broke down outside of church one time asking if this was really me or not i question if I’m a good enough friend or person in this world to begin with thinking everyone is judging me so so close how can I make this situation better did I do something wrong I struggle with depression as well not to bad but it’s there I come from a loving family but broken as well i believe in god and my OCD makes me go often he’s not real that stuff isn’t real no one is there to save you the list goes on. Anyway I struggle a lot and I really hope that this will help me because I feel extremely hopeless. Lucky for me I do have the ability to seek therapy and I am excited. The only person I ever tell my thoughts to is God no other human has heard so I’m really really hoping this helps me out if your reading this thank you it means a lot because this is my first time ever admitting all this it’s a lot to take in I know and I hope you are ok and that you have a great night and know that we got this
overcoming-ocd
- Date posted
- 15w ago
4 years too long.
It’s been 4 years. 4 years since I spiralled into a world controlled by rituals of 4, it started as 2, then 3, then 4 - my safe number. The amount of times I wash my hands after touching something dirty and how many repeats it takes until I feel ‘clean’, the amount of taps I make when closing doors to make sure I don’t ‘die’, the amount of times I rinse cutlery and plates before eating off them, the amount of times I disinfect things. My OCD subtype is contamination and I know 2020 lockdowns and the pandemic caused it to spiral but what started as a small ritual quickly became bigger until I no longer remembered what my life was like without the obsessive thoughts of germs and contamination. Could that person be ill? What if I go outside to the shops and someone makes me sick? You can’t answer the door to get that package from the delivery driver because he might make you sick, oh you can’t put the shopping away without disinfecting it first - what if someone has coughed on it? ‘I’ve got to wear gloves to do that’ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. For 4 years I’ve lived like this, the ‘I don’t want to touch that’ or ‘I can’t go to this place because I don’t want to get ill and die’ ‘can you go do that for me as I don’t think I can right now’ - I know my OCD is irrational, I know the likelihood of those things actually happening are slim to none and I know my OCD stems from a need of control in my life because for so many years I felt like everything in my life was out of my control. But no matter how much I know of how many books I read, how many mindful practices I do the panic I feel after being ‘exposed’ or before exposing myself to a trigger is horrible. I’ve avoided and avoided and avoided to the point where something small now seems and feels like an impossible mountain to climb. It often feels like there isn’t light at the end of the tunnel on the dark days, when I know there is, it’s just going to take some time. Despite this on the outside to those not in my circle my life is a whole picture perfect painting. I run my own business, have a nice car, a nice house, a happy relationship and the of best friends and I’m so grateful for all those things but the reality is much different - behind closed doors and hidden in the closest is the OCD monster. I’ve decided now, after 4 years it’s time to change. I’m breaking the cycle and starting anew. The irony that 4 is my safe number too and it’s been 4 years since things started to get dark. I’m ready to lose control and find myself again. Why am I writing this? Honestly, I really don’t know. I found this app recently and hope it can be a help for my ERP practices I’ve been practicing on my own and it’s actually the first time I’ve ever openly posted or spoken about my OCD to date. For years I have lived with a huge amount of shame and embarrassment, hiding my issues from everyone - even my closest friends have no idea how much it impacts my day to day. I’ve felt shame as I can’t control my own mind despite knowing the thoughts are irrational and the rituals only provide temporary relief but each day again and again the safety blanket of the rituals wraps me up and takes over. The only person who truly knows how much it affects me is my partner, who has been by my side through it all, he’s burnt out and has seen first hand the impact it has had on me, my life and my happiness. I’ve sheltered him as much as I can, but I’m sure those who are in relationships with OCD can relate to the burnout their partner feels day in day out. So that’s my story, I hope those going through similar can take comfort in this and know they aren’t alone in it all as my OCD has made me feel so incredibly lonely, isolated and empty for 4 years too long. It feels freeing to finally share my monster and I hope I can connect with others who are on a similar journey to me. The biggest thing I want to be able to do again? I want to be able to hug my loved ones without feeling triggered, I want to go outside and enjoy life without worry, I want to live again. This app has made me feel seen for the first time in a long time and reading your stories, your experiences and how you’re coping is comforting, encouraging and makes me feel less alone ❤️ thank you for reading x
Anonymous
- Date posted
- 13w ago
Newbie and mama searching for help
Hey all, This is so strange to share this, and I have been judged by others and misdiagnosed many times. About a year ago I worked with an OCD therapist and it was really triggering. For me my thoughts are mainly about suicidal ocd and harm ocd centered around my children of all things. Fear that I could or would want to hurt them, then feeling so horrible that I believe I’m suicidal then I go back and forth on that. After reading a few of your posts, it makes me truly have a bit of hope that I can overcome this.
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