After finding out about Suicidal OCD, I thought that from this point onwards, that things would slowly start getting better. However, I feel like things are only getting worse. I am ruminating almost 24/7 with extreme anxiety and constantly crying. I’ve even started to suspect that what I’m going through isn’t suicidal OCD but rather a syndrome that is related to depression and suicide and comes from taking a specific pill called Finasteride that I had taken before. I feel like I am living in complete terror and that I don’t trust myself at all. It’s like I’m going to do it and I really need hospitalization before it’s too late. I can’t tell if what I’m experiencing is like the rest of the people here but I want to know if anyone else here is feeling traumatized, not being able to do ANYTHING all day and suffering so much from the pain, anxiety, and depression and feel this complete certainty that they’re going to do something to themselves. I truly think I’m going crazy and that I’m in an actual dangerous state. I do not move from my bed at all tbe entire day and I barely eat a single meal. Something is telling me that I want to die and that is causing me so much fear. I really think I need help before it’s too late because I’m quite sure this is not normal.

Hi, thank you for your reply. I will definitely take what you said into consideration.

I have exactly the same fear and I had ROCD HOCD so when I suddenly felt a huge anxiety I thought it was my ocd coming back. It started from a thought on my partner and I résisted doing compulsions but then it got stuck on suicide. And I have never expérienced this THEME. I think ocd can trigger anything and got you paralyzed. The more you try to get out of your bed thé better you'll be. It's hard, everyday, every hour but we have to push back.

@amel Wow, thank you for your response. I know how experiencing a new theme must feel terrifying. I will definitely try to force myself to get out of bed although it is extremely hard when I am suffering so much.

@Ibbies I know how hard it is but in these moments I try to force myself and tell me that I'm training and rewiring my brain. There is no danger. It is terrifying and I know how real it feels when we resist mental compulsions but I think it's the only way to recover.

@amel I understand and I’ll definitely try to work on that, it’s just also very hard during these times.

Hi, thank you very much for reaching out. I was beginning to feel very lonely in this and it was driving me crazy. I am still searching for a good OCD therapist online but I’m unable to find one just yet but as time passes, I get more concerned over my safety from the compulsions.

@Ibbies I think you should start doing what I did, which was ERP! Until you find a good OCD therapist. Just start small, write sentences or watch a clip from a movie or something! The point of ERP is to sit through your triggers or what you’re scared of while resisting doing compulsions. For me, I did one ERP where I had to watch a part of the show “13 reasons why” and I was SO terrified to watch but when I did my anxiety got lower and lower. Start putting yourself and your health first in life, I promise you can do this and you are not alone whatsoever!! You have a whole community here on this app that are all dealing with similar things.

@Ibbies Compulsions can also be mental rituals and ruminating like you said you were doing! Once you start resisting those compulsions you can start to make some head way! Everytime you go to ruminate or try to figure out in your mind, come back to the present moment and do something that you value instead! Like working out, talking to a family member, watching your fave show or whatever you like to do!

@dessann I would really love to start doing ERP but I am still concerned that what I have is not OCD but rather a very rare syndrome that comes from taking a medication called Finasteride. However, the main symptoms of this syndrome are mainly sexual but I don’t think I have any sexual issues but the syndrome is linked to depressiom and suicide and that is what’s truly freaking me out.

@Ibbies This is where you should try and live with the uncertainty.. I know it’s hard but you have to say “maybe this is from the medicine maybe it’s not.” OCD attacks what we most care about in our lives! It can even make you feel like you want something that you don’t. Try looking up Ali Greymond on Apple podcasts or on YouTube! She gives so many good pointers on OCD and living with uncertainty, she also dealt with OCD herself!

@dessann Yeah, that’s what really scares me the most. It’s like deep down inside of me, I’m trying to do whatever it takes to feel safe because I don’t want it to happen. The problem is that my brain isn’t giving me the chance to just live with uncertainty, it’s constantly trying to make me think this through and try to find answers. I’ll look up Ali Greymond for sure, thanks.

I was going to start online therapy with one but there was an issue with the payment so I am still searching for another one. I’m not in the US so I can’t make use of NOCD but do you know any online therapists you can recommend?

Hi and thank you for your reply. I’ll definitely give these things a shot but I’m having trouble finding an online therapist at these times.