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sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Lately I have been using gay porn as ERP. In the beginning i was filled with loads of anxiety cause I feared I could be getting aroused and might get an erection. However, once the anxiety went down it became clear I really wasn’t turned on by it and also it also slowly started to repulse me so I stopped cause I didn’t want to feel sick and at some point almost felt like crying cause the thoughts of doing those things really doesn’t fill me with any joy. Through ERP and acceptance it’s becoming more and more apparent I really don’t want to have sex with a man at least not at this present moment in my life lol. Although as I type this my mind bringing up different “what if” and “maybe” which is expected lmao. Just want any advice on where should I go from here? especially from people who are in recovery or have recovered. Was thinking of taking a break from the gay porn cause it’s not causing me so much anxiety that I can’t handle but when I expose myself a lil too much I start to get disgusted and I don’t like the sick feeling or do I still need to keep going to habituate? P.S the images and videos really messed up my sleep cause they kept popping up intrusively which was horrifying lol but oh well I’m sure they will fade eventually

Sexual Orientation OCD

jett

Date posted: 5y

There was no way you were gonna get aroused with that much anxiety even if you were gay lol! I will say this though...I have had HOCD pop up for me and it lasted no more than 20 minutes maybe and was gone forever. The theme just didn’t stick because I don’t fear being gay. I would rather be straight but the thought of possibly being gay isn’t scary enough to start a compulsive year long cycle. You gotta find a way to make the possibility of being gay not seem like a nightmare. How would your life be different? Would it be worse than your life now, constantly having distressing HOCD thoughts? Probably not. I’d rather be a happy gay person than deal with crippling ocd and be a miserable straight person.

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Hahah well fair point. Yesterday the anxiety hit me quite hard to be honest. However there have been moments when I viewed gay porn and I was much calmer and didn’t get turned on as well. And yeah I get what you mean I’m trying not to make it much of a big deal in my head cause growing up I’ve always dreamt of having a wife starting a family and still do. It’s hard but it is becoming easier to accept the possibility. For the most part my HOCD is on and off really my distress may last a few months then fade away for a while even years. I’m only just really learning about ERP and all over the last few months so I guess that’s why I keep relapsing over the years. Now though I’m gaining more and more confidence in who I am, what I like and dislike and trying not worrying too much about the what ifs in the future. It isn’t easy but it keeps getting better though

Blade118

Date posted: 5y

I have exposed myself to gay porn a lot just sitting there and waiting for some dislike feeling to come in but I never get it is that because I am Gay. I feel that I am chasing this dislike feeling and just watching for hours and hours waiting for something to click. What are the effects of ERP I’m watching gay porn what is it man want to do

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Well even if you don’t feel the feeling of dislike it doesn’t mean you like it. Maybe it’s just something that isn’t of interest to you but you’ve habituated and I get that feeling sometimes. Don’t chase the feelings just let them come naturally and play out by itself over time I feel your perspective will become clearer at least that’s what I’m slowly feeling

Blade118

Date posted: 5y

Okay do you think I am Gay, I think once I started to become more habituated with the thoughts that’s when the anxiety started to really kick in saying I must like it

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

Well I’m no expert but if you getting all this anxiety chances are you aren’t. Maybe you’re experiencing what’s called a back door spike? It’s basically when you start to habituate and you start to feel your worst fears are becoming true. You should do some research on it. Take things one day at a time and don’t jump to any conclusions especially when you’re panicking and full of anxiety I’ve been there it doesn’t help. Try and accept the thoughts and uncertainty consistently and over time you’d pretty much start living the life YOU want to live.

Blade118

Date posted: 5y

I feel like I have been suffering a backdoor spike then for 12 months. I feel like I am fearing I am liking it could this actually be due to shame and denial. Everytime I picture a kissing a man it I feel like I desire it. Could I have been misdiagnosed

sam_ob

Date posted: 5y

If your therapist has diagnosed you then they probably ain’t wrong. Also read all the stories on here or go online and watch and read about HOCD stories you’d find out that many people have experienced what you’re experiencing. Try and just observe these thoughts and stop using them to test yourself cause it’s another compulsion and if you ain’t careful you may relapse. Has your therapist given you any advice on how to handle this spike? And what exposures did he/she make you do?

Related posts

Mt2019

Date posted: 20w

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

Anonimus ME 🦋

Date posted: 15w

Professional advice or experience? Tnx ❤️

How long should I do ERP, so that my brain gets used to it, not to say tired?! I've been working for about three months, but everything still seems vivid in my head, there are even vulgar words in detail... since the sexual topic is both a groinal and a feeling that I want to touch myself. It's mostly related to faces and genitals, so how exactly can that go, if it's emphasized that sex pictures in themselves give that feeling, whoever is in them?

RW95

Date posted: 8w

Has anyone gone through this, or currently going through it, need to know that I am not alone in this (18+)

I can't look at 18+ videos, comics, etc. I am straight, but SO-OCD tries to make me think I am not And the thoughts turns to feelings, and makes me scared, uncomfortable, sad, because I know this is not me. And when I try to imagine myself being with the woman on adult videos, and comics, my OCD gives gronal response not at the girl, and it fills me with fear, and anxiety, I always loved, and was attracted to women but I can't and it caused me to be depressed, and I keep ruminating I keep trying to focus on her, but it's so bad that I avoid those all the time now. I am wondering has anyone gone through something like this, or currently is, and wondering how you have done to combat this!

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