Lately I have been using gay porn as ERP. In the beginning i was filled with loads of anxiety cause I feared I could be getting aroused and might get an erection. However, once the anxiety went down it became clear I really wasn’t turned on by it and also it also slowly started to repulse me so I stopped cause I didn’t want to feel sick and at some point almost felt like crying cause the thoughts of doing those things really doesn’t fill me with any joy. Through ERP and acceptance it’s becoming more and more apparent I really don’t want to have sex with a man at least not at this present moment in my life lol. Although as I type this my mind bringing up different “what if” and “maybe” which is expected lmao. Just want any advice on where should I go from here? especially from people who are in recovery or have recovered. Was thinking of taking a break from the gay porn cause it’s not causing me so much anxiety that I can’t handle but when I expose myself a lil too much I start to get disgusted and I don’t like the sick feeling or do I still need to keep going to habituate? P.S the images and videos really messed up my sleep cause they kept popping up intrusively which was horrifying lol but oh well I’m sure they will fade eventually

There was no way you were gonna get aroused with that much anxiety even if you were gay lol! I will say this though...I have had HOCD pop up for me and it lasted no more than 20 minutes maybe and was gone forever. The theme just didn’t stick because I don’t fear being gay. I would rather be straight but the thought of possibly being gay isn’t scary enough to start a compulsive year long cycle. You gotta find a way to make the possibility of being gay not seem like a nightmare. How would your life be different? Would it be worse than your life now, constantly having distressing HOCD thoughts? Probably not. I’d rather be a happy gay person than deal with crippling ocd and be a miserable straight person.

Hahah well fair point. Yesterday the anxiety hit me quite hard to be honest. However there have been moments when I viewed gay porn and I was much calmer and didn’t get turned on as well. And yeah I get what you mean I’m trying not to make it much of a big deal in my head cause growing up I’ve always dreamt of having a wife starting a family and still do. It’s hard but it is becoming easier to accept the possibility. For the most part my HOCD is on and off really my distress may last a few months then fade away for a while even years. I’m only just really learning about ERP and all over the last few months so I guess that’s why I keep relapsing over the years. Now though I’m gaining more and more confidence in who I am, what I like and dislike and trying not worrying too much about the what ifs in the future. It isn’t easy but it keeps getting better though

I have exposed myself to gay porn a lot just sitting there and waiting for some dislike feeling to come in but I never get it is that because I am Gay. I feel that I am chasing this dislike feeling and just watching for hours and hours waiting for something to click. What are the effects of ERP I’m watching gay porn what is it man want to do

Okay do you think I am Gay, I think once I started to become more habituated with the thoughts that’s when the anxiety started to really kick in saying I must like it

I feel like I have been suffering a backdoor spike then for 12 months. I feel like I am fearing I am liking it could this actually be due to shame and denial. Everytime I picture a kissing a man it I feel like I desire it. Could I have been misdiagnosed

If your therapist has diagnosed you then they probably ain’t wrong. Also read all the stories on here or go online and watch and read about HOCD stories you’d find out that many people have experienced what you’re experiencing. Try and just observe these thoughts and stop using them to test yourself cause it’s another compulsion and if you ain’t careful you may relapse. Has your therapist given you any advice on how to handle this spike? And what exposures did he/she make you do?