- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
There was no way you were gonna get aroused with that much anxiety even if you were gay lol! I will say this though...I have had HOCD pop up for me and it lasted no more than 20 minutes maybe and was gone forever. The theme just didn’t stick because I don’t fear being gay. I would rather be straight but the thought of possibly being gay isn’t scary enough to start a compulsive year long cycle. You gotta find a way to make the possibility of being gay not seem like a nightmare. How would your life be different? Would it be worse than your life now, constantly having distressing HOCD thoughts? Probably not. I’d rather be a happy gay person than deal with crippling ocd and be a miserable straight person.
- Date posted
- 5y
Hahah well fair point. Yesterday the anxiety hit me quite hard to be honest. However there have been moments when I viewed gay porn and I was much calmer and didn’t get turned on as well. And yeah I get what you mean I’m trying not to make it much of a big deal in my head cause growing up I’ve always dreamt of having a wife starting a family and still do. It’s hard but it is becoming easier to accept the possibility. For the most part my HOCD is on and off really my distress may last a few months then fade away for a while even years. I’m only just really learning about ERP and all over the last few months so I guess that’s why I keep relapsing over the years. Now though I’m gaining more and more confidence in who I am, what I like and dislike and trying not worrying too much about the what ifs in the future. It isn’t easy but it keeps getting better though
- Date posted
- 5y
I have exposed myself to gay porn a lot just sitting there and waiting for some dislike feeling to come in but I never get it is that because I am Gay. I feel that I am chasing this dislike feeling and just watching for hours and hours waiting for something to click. What are the effects of ERP I’m watching gay porn what is it man want to do
- Date posted
- 5y
Well even if you don’t feel the feeling of dislike it doesn’t mean you like it. Maybe it’s just something that isn’t of interest to you but you’ve habituated and I get that feeling sometimes. Don’t chase the feelings just let them come naturally and play out by itself over time I feel your perspective will become clearer at least that’s what I’m slowly feeling
- Date posted
- 5y
Okay do you think I am Gay, I think once I started to become more habituated with the thoughts that’s when the anxiety started to really kick in saying I must like it
- Date posted
- 5y
Well I’m no expert but if you getting all this anxiety chances are you aren’t. Maybe you’re experiencing what’s called a back door spike? It’s basically when you start to habituate and you start to feel your worst fears are becoming true. You should do some research on it. Take things one day at a time and don’t jump to any conclusions especially when you’re panicking and full of anxiety I’ve been there it doesn’t help. Try and accept the thoughts and uncertainty consistently and over time you’d pretty much start living the life YOU want to live.
- Date posted
- 5y
I feel like I have been suffering a backdoor spike then for 12 months. I feel like I am fearing I am liking it could this actually be due to shame and denial. Everytime I picture a kissing a man it I feel like I desire it. Could I have been misdiagnosed
- Date posted
- 5y
If your therapist has diagnosed you then they probably ain’t wrong. Also read all the stories on here or go online and watch and read about HOCD stories you’d find out that many people have experienced what you’re experiencing. Try and just observe these thoughts and stop using them to test yourself cause it’s another compulsion and if you ain’t careful you may relapse. Has your therapist given you any advice on how to handle this spike? And what exposures did he/she make you do?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
Hey everyone, just wanted to post an honest update on where I’m at in my HOCD recovery. Right now, I'm stuck in what feels like a 24/7 spike — nonstop thoughts, intrusive sensations, identity doubts, and hyperfocus. The worst part? It feels real. Like I’ve “lost,” like I’ve accepted it, like I am gay. The thoughts don't feel like anxiety anymore — they feel like truth. I’ve been trying to do ERP, but the spike has been so constant I don’t even have to “do exposures” — the thoughts, feelings, and sensations are just there all day long. It’s like living inside an exposure. And it’s exhausting. BUT — here’s what I’ve been doing (and what I’m sticking to now): I say once: “These thoughts and feelings are welcome to stay for as long as they want.” I let the doubt, the feelings, the hyperfocus exist. I don’t check, test, or analyze — even when it screams at me. I live my life anyway — folding clothes, watching TV, eating, walking — with the storm in my head. Even when it feels 100% real. Even when I’m fully focused on it. I’ve stopped trying to feel better. I’m letting it all burn — and just not fixing it. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like progress.
- Date posted
- 22w
One problem - Various themes This is my first post. I had a relapse a few months ago. Life was amazing and then boom, I got triggered by something and started spiralling about my sexuality (having finally been at peace for two years, entered a healthy new relationship and come out of the closet as an older women). How do you, when you're not triggered practice ERP? I'm able to try and accept the thoughts every time I see a man. What should I be doing when I don't encounter these triggers. I was to say as well that I also am starting to get real event OCD about some of the sexual things I did in the past when I was married and in an unhealthy toxic relationship with my ex husband. I am shamed and disgusted and I'm working on it but there's a certain subsection of the LGBTQ community that trigger these thoughts, groinals and thing for me... I feel like I'm beginning to realise I need to maybe be a little more active in my recovery instead of waiting for triggers... But I don't know how
- Date posted
- 8w
Hey everyone I’ve been doing good lately. I have an ocd therapist and I’m working on myself. Haven’t been doing as many compulsions or checks The last couple days I feel like I lost physical attraction to my wife and my mind says it’s because I’m gay. At this point I’ve been going back and forth on this for years so I’m more accepting but it still freaks me out. Then I noticed a coworker who is define as an attractive guy and thought about what it be like to be gay with him. It didn’t seem horrible but it seemed off somehow. Fast forward I tried gay porn…..again. At first like always it did nothing but I kept like making mental accommodations and trying to physically put myself in the situation. Then all the sudden I ejaculated. Sorry if too graphic. It’s happened before like that but I don’t get why. I feel horrible after it happens too. Anyway I tried straight porn to balance it out and it took forever. Maybe I just need to accept I am gay or not totally straight. I notice attractive guys and girls but I dream about my wife/girls, feel more comfortable thinking about a heterosexual relationship and can’t like get aroused to guys outside of porn. Can anyone relate? What does this mean? I might be seeking reassurance but need help
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