So I feel like I always have a hard time making any decisions or staying fully committed with something. I’ve been going to school what feels like an eternity and I feel like I’m not happy and want to change my major.. but idk if it’s really what I want. I’m always second guessing myself. Also I’ve been with my bf for about 2 years and I do love him but find myself second guessing our relationship..?? Is this just me or does this somehow have anything to do with my ocd?? I overthink everything...

This is so long ah I’m so sorry. I’m really just trying to get all my thoughts out/ see if anyone feels similarly/ and what they’ve found helps. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I’ve looked into it a lot and feel that I might have ROCD. (I was once diagnosed with anxiety, but didn’t keep up with therapy because my parents weren’t keen on it.) Now I really want to invest in it to get a formal diagnoses/help, and I’m going to start looking into that. I’m scared that this isn’t ROCD, and I’m truly just in the wrong relationship, or not actually in love with my partner. But then sometimes I’m certain it is? We’ve been together for a year and a couple of months, and it has been wonderful. She makes me feel so loved and so understood. She is my best friend. But this summer when we were on break from school I started getting major doubts once I’d found out about ROCD and some of my thoughts lined up with it’s description. I’d already started to have doubts before the summer. She is the first person I‘ve slept with, and it took a while for me to have an orgasm, and that made me freak out and start to question my attraction towards her/our compatibility. Every time we’d have sex I’d worry over this. (Though I also think it has to do with me not knowing what I wanted/what I liked in bed) Our sex life got better but I still had obsessive thoughts. I have them daily - “what if I don’t love her” or “what if this isn’t the right relationship” or “should I be dating someone else” When I’m with her I’m constantly checking. If we kiss, I’ll analyze how it feels (or how it doesn’t) and the same thing goes for when she compliments me or says she loves me. I’ll say I love her but something in my brain will say “but do you really?” Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where when I think of her or am with her it makes me so anxious. I literally feel it in my stomach and chest. It’s so hard to deal with. I can’t make it stop. I think part of it is that I’m anxious that I’ll feel anxious/start to have obsessive thoughts, so I get anxious? I just want to be able to think of her and be around her and not feel so scared and anxious and always checking. I feel like my anxiety isn’t letting me truly experience my relationship.

I’ve had doubts my whole relationship with my boyfriend. Things like “you don’t find him attractive. You don’t think he’s funny. You’re lesbian because you don’t love him. You don’t love him at all. You think he’s annoying. You think his face looks weird. You want to be with other guys. He doesn’t make you happy.” But I always cry and get upset at the thought of losing him. Is that ocd, or something wrong with the relationship. It’s so hard to tell if this is Rocd or if this is one of those, “you never loved nor were interested in him in the first place.” Type things. I want to be interested and in love with him so bad, but I feel like all these thoughts get in the way. :( I don’t get that crazy “you love him so much,” feeing everyone talks about. Like yeah I know I feel for him and love him for who he is, but I don’t feel crazy deep in love :(

I think that’s what it is .. I’ve been through a lot with relationships .. I’ve never had good luck with them .. after taking two years off of dating and not wanting to date except hook up or have fun i meet a woman who wanted the same ..well we happened to like eachother alot and get into a relationship.. she ends up being amazing and super supportive of my and mental issues. One moment I’m secure and confident and then the next after three months together start my normal ocd process of questioning if I wanna be here if she’s the one if I love her or if there’s someone else .. it’s really annoying even though I know I really don’t wanna leave but I still obsess about it.. we’ll now I’m in the headspace of doubting she loves me or maybe she’s tired of me already even though nothing different has changed .. I don’t want reassurance and to nag about if she loves me .. when I thought about this stuff a couple weeks ago I asked and she told me flat out she loves and cares about me and thinks I’m amazing .. that thought of wondering if she loves me then turned around again to me thinking what if I don’t love her or wanna be here ? Lmfao is that relationship ocd or am I just really damaged .